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Original poster

Am I a selfish DIL? I think I am ...

56 replies

Tighnabruaich · 17/03/2018 18:26

So, I'm 65, in reasonable health for my age, but with a few issues. My husband is younger and very robust and hearty. His mother is 92 and in excellent health, lives alone (widow) in a lovely house. Husband's sister lives about a 20 minute walk away, doesn't drive.

We live a 6 hour drive away from MIL. We go to see her as often as we can, but I've begun to dread the drive as I am totally shattered when we arrive at her house, and when we arrive back home after the return journey.

We've not seen her since Christmas, but then neither has SIL. We are getting lots of phone calls from MIL asking when we are coming to see her. We asked if she knew why SIL wasn't coming round more often, but she 'doesn't like' to ask her, as she doesn't want to upset her.

Should I just let DH go and visit her on his own? Or should I suck it up and go too? Honestly I practically fall out of the car when we arrive, even though we have stops for loo visits and thing to eat on the way.

I know she is old, but she goes off striding along the street ahead of us leaving me feeling like it's ME who's 92 and she's 65.

Oh I don't know why I'm rambling, and I know I don't HAVE to go, but then I feel bad about poor husband having to do the journey by himself. I'm a selfish old bat.

OP posts:
lifechangesforever · 17/03/2018 19:25

My mother is a 6 hour drive away.. I've been once since she moved up there 5 years ago Blush I went back with her after she's been visiting and then got the train back on my own.

However, myself and DP both work full time so going up after work on a Friday evening and then coming home Sunday would be horrific, plus dog boarding. She comes down every 3 months or so and stays with Nanna and we visit there/she makes the rounds.

I'm not sure how the dynamic will change as she gets older though (she's 59) and her and her partner are less able. I'd not really thought about it before this post. I do think if she was 92 and had no other family around, I'd be making more effort.

Original poster
Tighnabruaich · 17/03/2018 19:28

Thanks for all the replies. We'll look at all the alternative travel possibilities, but to get to the nearest airport/motorway is a good 2 hour drive just to start. And MIL is nowhere near an airport at the other end, so car hire would be needed. MIL is in England and we are in Scotland, and she doesn't want to leave her home, so would not relocate near us. As some have tactfully suggested, the situation probably won't last for much longer - though realistically, it could be another 8 years or so ....
I'm glad you've not all come down on me like a ton of bricks.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 17/03/2018 19:36

I think if my MiL lived that far away I'd probably visit about 3 times a year. I'd suggest DH went more frequently on his own if he wanted to.

Can she get to you too?

rookiemere · 17/03/2018 19:42

I think your DH should go more often but no particular obligation on you to go every time.

BewareOfDragons · 17/03/2018 19:43

It's pretty shocking that a 92 year old hasn't been visited by her children since Christmas.

I don't think that's fair. There are plenty of reasons someone's children might not be visiting them often: distance, expense, working hours, family commitments of their own, gone NC, etc.

IN this case, the OP is 65 herself and isn't travelling well for such a short getaway, plus she and her husband, the son, are both working fulltime themselves. And they live over 6 hours away. If MIL isn't willing to move, then she has to accept that she won't see her children as much as she likes. The working fulltime to keep a home, electricity, food, cars, etc has to trump retired and doesn't want to move house.

I do think the first thing your DH needs to do, OP, is to talk to his sister and see what's going on there.

PragmaticWench · 17/03/2018 19:46

Is your MIL online? Could you Skype her regularly?

perfectstorm · 17/03/2018 19:47

You're not being selfish. It's a huge trek.

Is there a back story where her daughter is concerned? That seems very odd, otherwise.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 17/03/2018 19:54

tighnabruaich my dh is from tinny, fil still lives there Grin we're only about a 3 or 4 hour drive away and the last time I visited was ooh about 7 years ago for a funeral. Dh been a few times himself/with the dc.

Don't be too harsh on yourself. It IS a trek to get anywhere from there.

Mum2jenny · 17/03/2018 19:59

My dm lived an 8 hour drive away and I visited around 3-4 times a year. So it's really dependent on travel situation as to whether it's unreasonable.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/03/2018 20:11

Would she be satisfied with less frequent but longer visits? Maybe three times a year staying 4 days ( plus travel).

I'm only a few years younger than you OP and DH and I routinely drive 8-10 hours a day for 4-6 days in a row towing a trailer only stopping to sleep overnight. Unless you have health concerns, you should be able to manage 6 hours with comfort stops. Have you seen your GP to see if you need anything to help you have more energy?

UnderTheDesk · 17/03/2018 20:19

Let your DH go on his own 2/3 of the time, and you go 1/3 of the time. If your MIL scoffs, then so be it. You don't have to answer to her.

FWIW, I drive a four-hour trip for work every few weeks, and I find it quite tiring, and I'm in my early forties. It's really fair enough not to go if you don't feel up to it.

Graphista · 17/03/2018 20:30

Yea I think posters who don't know the area are at a disadvantage in advising but I'm glad you've not been flamed op.

I think it makes sense to check if sil is ok herself, I'm guessing she's roughly same age. She may not be well herself and not wanting to worry you, or is dealing with another stressor. I avoid my mum when that's the case and know my parents and their siblings did similarly - mainly because mothers seem to read us like books! Grin

But also to make sure there hasn't been a falling out that requires some management (not blaming sil or mil families are complicated)

Aprilmightmemynewname · 17/03/2018 20:34

Tell dh to speak to sil about organising a rota. Only fair.

Maria1982 · 17/03/2018 20:46

6 hours is a long journey - I’m 35 and I would find it tiring.
To acrossthepond, if OP is from the part of Scotland which her name suggests, this is not going to be 6 hours of comfy boring motorway driving - at least the first 2 hours would be small road, needing high focus. Anyway, I guess the why doesn’t really matter.

OP, I would not feel guilty about letting your DH go alone, and going only every other time or something yourself. If MIL has previously scoffed, that’s not very kind of her - everyone is different.
I would just be clear why you are not going more often, and emphasise that you are both still working.

Maria1982 · 17/03/2018 20:48

Sorry, I hope that didn’t sound rude to acrossthepond, it was not my intention. I was thinking along the lines of differences in roads between the UK and the US.

Gingersmum100 · 17/03/2018 20:49

Set her up with an iPad and FaceTime/Skype

CowesTwo · 17/03/2018 21:52

Thanks again all. I think SIL’s neglect speaks for itself and needs no further comment from me, she is actually ‘only’ 50 herself, so still a spring chicken in comparison to me. To the poster with the trailer who suggested I visit my gp, I do have some health issues which are being addressed. Flexibility is the way forward, so I think I will alternate trips with DH. Re MIL ‘scoffing’ she’s rather tactless but not a bad person. She was describing a woman she met in the library who was overweight and said ‘honestly Tighna, she was TWICE your size!’ Gee, thanks.

rookiemere · 17/03/2018 22:26

Are you absolutely sure SIL has not been this year ?

junebirthdaygirl · 17/03/2018 22:29

When our parents were alive l visited mine regularly and dh his. We didn't worry about each others parents . If it suited we went along but we both recognised that our main concern was for our own parent. So l think dh going by himself is fine. I'm sure its nice for mil to have him to herself.

JT05 · 17/03/2018 23:35

Wow, DH and I are in out 60s and do a 5.5 hr journey to outer holiday house twice a month! We think nothing of it.

Longtime · 18/03/2018 01:24

It takes me around six and a half hours to get to dm’s as I have to cross the channel. I’ve been eight times since September and went a lot in the year and a half previous to that. But that’s because my df was diagnosed with cancer in January 2016. He lived for a year (so I got in lots of visits then) and I’ve visited dm (and the dc, all of whom are now in the UK) a lot since. However, I only work part time mainly in term time and can rearrange work and work while I’m there. I don’t know how I would have done this if I had worked full time. I always stay a few days and often a week (school holidays). I find the driving tiring so totally understand. I wouldn’t do it for my pil (but they are up your way Tighna so it would take me around 14 hours to drive there!).

Plumsofwrath · 18/03/2018 01:54

Loneliness is the biggest killer of elderly but healthy people. TBH in your shoes I would do as many trips as I could manage and encourage DH to do the same. You don’t have to go together; she just needs company from family, clearly.

Perhaps, if your DH goes without you, he might be able to arrange to meet with your SIL and MiL at the same time. No, he shouldn’t need to, but that’s not the point really.

Cricrichan · 18/03/2018 05:23

She lives very far away and though I understand that she doesn't want to move, that's really the only way she would see her son more often. It's a long journey for just a long weekend and you also have other things to do.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/03/2018 06:19

JT05
Just because it’s nothing for you, it doesn’t mean it’s nothing for others. Ablebodiedness and disability is a sliding scale. I’m mid 40’s and chronically ill. I wouldn’t struggle to do this trip often. It sounds as if you are lucky to have so much energy. Do you work full time?

rookiemere · 18/03/2018 07:40

I'm perfectly fit , am in my 40s and would absolutely hate to have to do a 12 hr return journey on a weekend unlesss absolutely necessary. I'm tired from working and dropping off DS to activities and managing pretty much all household related activities.

I would do that trip to see an elderly parent though as I'd know it was my duty. As a DIL I don't feel its so much your responsibility , particularly as the journey is more difficult for you -but it definitely is your DHs - it would be better if SIL visited MIL more but ultimately he needs to make his own choices for the sake of his conscience.