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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband broke me. I want to leave.

40 replies

Kirsty2334 · 17/03/2018 12:01

I'm in such a pickle.
My husband of 3 years has again betrayed my trust.

I found out he's been talking to an ex about " when They first had sex" he says totally innocent but can't remember what was exactly said. I just can't believe that because it's happened on numerous occasions.

I'm ready to walk away from the marriage. I just can't stand to be near him.
I found this out a year ago and I've been tormenting myself with stay/go scenarios this whole time.

I just feel so trapped.
I don't drive.. and we live 200 miles away from family and friends now after convienently moving us away from everyone a year ago.
I have been so naive in believing he would change... I even married him knowing what he was like.

And one come out the other side of something similar?
How do you leave....
I have money to support us all. I run my own business from home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kirsty2334 · 17/03/2018 12:02

Oh and we have 2 children together 1 and 5.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 17/03/2018 12:09

Is moving back near your family and friends an option?

Original poster
Kirsty2334 · 17/03/2018 12:27

I really don't like the idea of moving my daughter out of school (we already did it once to move here) we was living with my MIL so couldn't go back there obviously.
I love the area and really wouldn't want to leave.
Plus rents half the price where we are currently living so couldn't afford it to move back really.

OP posts:
Minestheoneinthegreen · 17/03/2018 12:30

I don't really understand your predicament I'm afraid. He had a conversation with his ex and you can't forgive it because he has has conversations before?

TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 12:34

The first thing is you need to learn to drive.

Then you need to consider whether, however much you like the area, you can cope with single parenting with no support network around you.

If you’ve got enough money to support you and the kids can you afford to take over the rental of the house? Or move to a smaller one?

TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 12:36

Minestheone

I don’t think we really need to know the details do we? OP says he’s repeatedly betrayed her trust and she can’t stand being around him. It’s not really our business. She’s asking for practical help.

Original poster
Kirsty2334 · 17/03/2018 12:37

Yes, it's not the first time I've caught him flirting with other women.
Once he was signed up to a dating site looking for women.
A few times with this woman.
I've lost all my trust.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kirsty2334 · 17/03/2018 12:40

Thank you!
My income is varied throughout the year so some months I could take over the rental other months I would struggle. He's never helped out much anyway so I don't think it would change much.

I have no freedom with him.
I would be happy with visiting my friends and family once a month, staying at my mum's. But he wont let me.
He has to be there and when he is it's just not the same. Everything feels very forced and controlled.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 12:49

So apart from betraying your he also has coercive control issues.

It’s win win to get away from him.

What’s his income like? Could you afford rent on a smaller place?

Original poster
Kirsty2334 · 17/03/2018 12:55

Yes I could definitely afford rent on a smaller place.
He definitely does.. he says it's because be loves me and doesn't want to be away from me. He's been like it for the whole time... I just used to think he was a bit needy and smothering. Which wasn't really an issue when I was deeply In love with him... I liked the fact he wanted to spend every minute with me.
But now I have to ask to go the the hairdressers... I literally don't do anything by myself. Feel like I have to ask permission.
I feel so weak!
I've tried to break up with him a few times before but I always end up going back.
I believed he was genuinely sorry... But now I believe he really isn't.
Before I went to stay with my mum as we lived close. But now I feel like I have no where to go because I can't take my daughter out of school.
I don't want to be here when I end the marriage.
He will be 'heart broken" and I will end up staying with him out of guilt.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 13:04

Coercive control is a term for emotional abuse that involves that level of control. It’s not based in love but fear, insecurity, paranoia, manipulation.

I think you need to talk to women’s aid to try to break the cycle whereby you try to get out but he reels you back in.

And take a look at the Freedom Programme online.

You really need to get free of him for good for the sake of your DC.

If it were me personally I’d go back home. Yes it will be slightly disruptive to your DD but she’s only been there a year and the impact will be majorly mitigated by the fact you’re moving back to familiar surroundings and people.

Branleuse · 17/03/2018 13:09

moving and changing your childs school of course gives you second thoughts and youd rather not have to, but actually, you kind of do have to, and it will actually be fine if you do. It will be a slight pain, but it will be a damn sight better than how youre living now. Bite the bullet and leave this tosser

Babdoc · 17/03/2018 13:16

If your daughter is only 5, there is no problem about moving school or area. It’s not as if she’s in the middle of an exam syllabus, and she will have six years at the new primary school to establish friendships.
I think the longer you stay, the more this chap will grind you down and trap you. I’d leave while you still have the confidence and motivation.
You are not modelling a healthy marriage to your daughter either - do you want her to seek this kind of relationship for her adult self, as she will think it’s the norm?

Original poster
Kirsty2334 · 17/03/2018 13:20

I would feel like I'm moving backwards with my life if I moved back.
I would never be able to afford rent in the area so I would be living in a 2 bed house with my mum and her partner and my two children.
I would rather stay with him than do that....

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 17/03/2018 13:35

You have to ask to go out

That's all about control and zero about love

Get the fuck away from him

yetmorecrap · 17/03/2018 13:37

Move somewhere else cheaper than where your family are but closer to family, unless you have local friends where you are

Original poster
Kirsty2334 · 17/03/2018 13:42

Ive not made a single friend here in the whole year I've been here. I talk to a few of the mum's at school but nothing more.
I work at home so don't get out anywhere.
Moving closer might work.
I will look into it thank you.

OP posts:
orangesandlemonssing · 17/03/2018 13:42

Why does she need to move near her mum if she doesn't want to?? Why does everyone keep saying that when she said she wants to stay in area and it's more affordable? And driving isn't essential. It's useful but not what I would prioritise if you need to save to move.

Op start squirelling money away until you have enough for deposit, some spare and a bit extra to cover low months in cash flow . You sound like you have this bit covered. Look around and see what you can afford.

The rest really is both straight forward and very complicated. You need to tell him your done, move and start divorce proceedings .

Good luck x

SandyY2K · 17/03/2018 13:47

Rather than ask to do things try saying "I need to go yo the hairdressers on Saturday...Will you be around to look after the kids?"

You shouldn't have to ask.

Original poster
Kirsty2334 · 17/03/2018 13:56

Hairdressers was just an example because that's the last thing I did. But when I used to visit my mum I had to be back home before he finished work otherwise all he'll would break lose and I'd be selfish for not being at home waiting while he's been at work all day. Again because he 'loves us and doesn't want to spend a minute he doesn't have to without us'
At the hairdressers he had to take me and pick me up.
And when I told him I'm going to see my friend before Christmas it caused so many arguments and him trying to talk me out if it.but lucilky I'd booked my train ttickets before telling him so wasn't anything he could say.
But I still had to be back before he finished work. Which ruined my day anyway as is spent 5 hours traveling to see my friend for 4 hours.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 13:57

I think driving is essential, personally.

Staying in an area where OP has no friends, near a controlling man who may well try to lure her back is far from ideal. She’s much more likely to go back if she has no-one else to turn to.

Original poster
Kirsty2334 · 17/03/2018 13:58

Thank you. I would really like to stay in the area.
My daughter so happy in her school and she's really shy and sensitive I want to make minimal changes to her life really.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 13:58

Xpost with OP - that’s unliveable.

Have you ever read any books on coercive control OP?

It’s really important that this time you get out you stay out.

TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 13:59

Do you think you can resist going back to him if you stay in the area?

Are there good opportunities for making new friends once you’ve got rid of him?

Original poster
Kirsty2334 · 17/03/2018 14:00

I definitely need to learn to drive! I was thinking of doing an intensive course when I can get some time away to do it.

OP posts:
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