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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife work?

46 replies

Littlelambpeep · 16/03/2018 20:15

Really upset here but made my a rod for my own back. To put things into context two v young DC and both work in busy jobs (exact same salary but I have a shorter day )

I do all cooking, lunches and sort clothes. Grocery shopping and cleaning. If I am away dh will not eat or will faff and go and buy something in the local shop
So I batch cook and leave spaghetti in a pan for him to cook and reheat bolognese. Sometimes he leaves the dirty dishes in the sink.

He does change bins and will strip and wash bedlinen sometimes. He was meant to do something today and didn't .. I can't look at him. Then I started dinner and just left him to it for two hours.. when I came back he said 'are you still mad?' so I get all the blame.

I'm bored and tired. Watching TV for the evening away from him. His mother still cooks for his 45 year old brother so there isn't much hope....

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 16/03/2018 20:20

Would you be in a position to get a cleaner to cover cleaning, bedding and ironing? And then make sure he picks up half the other jobs?

Original poster
Littlelambpeep · 16/03/2018 20:29

He won't agree to a cleaner.. says able bodied people should not need one. to be fair he is hard working .. but not domestically. Also the DC..if I have a lie in they tend to scream the house down. He won't put on cbeebies or do an activity with them. I know I am being petty but I have a really tough job. I can't clean properly when DC are about.

He has five hours free time every other week. Do I leave a list of jobs? The other day I said to him will he empty the dishwasher and he made a song and dance about it.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 16/03/2018 20:31

A person who does not pull their weight domestically gets no say at all in the discussion about employing a cleaner.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/03/2018 20:32

says able bodied people should not need one this argument is really not valid if he's not actually doing the fucking cleaning

Fishface77 · 16/03/2018 20:33

He’s a right knob isn’t he?
It’s already started grinding you down.

JoJoSM2 · 16/03/2018 20:37

Don't ask him to do jobs ad hoc. Make a list and decide which half is his. I'd suggest he gets to do all the cleaning if he's so able bodied.

Original poster
Littlelambpeep · 16/03/2018 20:38

So the DC's bedroom has been tidied and dishwasher emptied and filled. But there still so much - I even iron his stuff (mug that I am!) Going to toughen up from now on

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 16/03/2018 20:40

What’s his reason for being a lazy arse?

Surely not ‘I work more hours’. Because if he earnt the same as you doing less hours he’d say ‘I’m the higher earner’. If you earnt more than him ‘you have it easy, your job is less taxing, I’m more tired’.

Cleaner. No doubt you will have to organise, pay, write a list for.

43percentburnt · 16/03/2018 20:41

Stop ironing for a start. Why would you iron his stuff?

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2018 20:42

Iron it? I'd stop washing it...

Irishtwinmumma · 16/03/2018 20:43

If you want things to change you have to stop doing everything for him. Otherwise you will just be more and more tired and fed up. He’s really selfish and thinks you’re a slave.

Original poster
Littlelambpeep · 16/03/2018 20:45

My work is probably tougher - more intense. His family is very old fashioned. His sister does everything. Brothers wife is a solicitor and works from home at times and they all think it is madness she sends them to a childminder. The brother is married but the wife doesn't cook so he eats at their mothers.

I said it to his mother that I think no women in this day and age would live like that willingly. She agreed - mil knows she is taken for granted. Dh says 'no mam loves looking after people!'

I will take the DC out for the day tomorrow and go off somewhere myself Sunday.. just need some space

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 16/03/2018 20:45

If he wants a mummy to clean up after him and do his meals and ironing - he can move back to his mother. FFS it makes me so angry to read posts like these. Both my husband and subsequent long term partner did their share of household stuff - over 30 years ago, yet here we still are with this shit from some men in 2018.

MycatsaPirate · 16/03/2018 20:47

Its not wife work, it's stuff that needs doing in a house where everyone lives.

It's being a partnership. If you left your husband then he'd have no choice but to crack on and do these things himself.

Original poster
Littlelambpeep · 16/03/2018 20:51

She gets so annoyed when I suggest he's not pulling his weight. I probably buy more for the home. It annoys me so much. I just need to reset things here.

Hoovering a few crumbs under the dinner table (two min job) isn't the same as the whole house washing floors windows clothes paperwork grrrrrrr.......

OP posts:
lostlemon · 16/03/2018 21:11

OP it is clear to see from your posts that this is very raw and I would agree with you that things need to be reset. Unfortunately this resetting will fall to you. I say that because when it feels like you do everything the 'resetting' just feels like another thing you need/have to do.

I don't agree with making lists etc because this makes it feels/looks like he is helping you or working to your schedule. Too easy to fall back into old habits - he doesn't do it - you pick it up.

I would communicate to him that things need to change, tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels - tell him it can't go on how it is now. Ask him what HE is going to do to step up. Let him know that from now on you are changing priorities, your priorities (you and the children, who can't do stuff) are at the top. Let him know that you don't subscribe to his mother's way of doing things, you are your own person and this is 2018.

boatyardblues · 16/03/2018 21:17

If he works 5 hours more a week than you, he gets a pass on the first 5 hours of chores. After that, everything should be split 50:50. He doesn’t get to slack off whilst you are scurrying around.

Original poster
Littlelambpeep · 16/03/2018 21:20

He gets more free time (without DC.. house to himself )

OP posts:
lostlemon · 16/03/2018 21:27

Boat what planet do you live on? He works 5 hours more so gets extra time. Mmmmm what happens if I earn more, do I get more time? I havent worked full time in ages but I'll tell you what, I could easily work 5 hours more just by not coming home on time.

See it doesn't work. This is about family. It's about 2 people working full time at work and then being a family supporting each other, being a team. Its NOT about point scoring.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/03/2018 21:37

Just get a cleaner. He doesn't get to call it. Cleaner can do your jobs and he can do his own if he wants. Ye don't have to agree on everything. He doesn't agree that he should do half the cleaning..fine! You don't agree that a cleaner is unnecessary..fine! Book one tomorrow.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 16/03/2018 21:39

OP. I got taught a really valuable life lesson by a very wise person - you get what you settle for.

Don't settle for it - take action.

Original poster
Littlelambpeep · 16/03/2018 21:43

That's a very wide lesson salt thank you June

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelambpeep · 16/03/2018 21:47

Wise

OP posts:
crazymumofthree · 16/03/2018 21:49

I'm sorry there is hope! DH also had a Mum who ran round after him and still does - BIL will text her and she'll take them breakfast/tea/snacks etc in bed Shock

DH has never expected this of me and if he did I would tell him where to go but he did start of pretty crappy round the house and I just made it very clear what I expected and he got his butt into gear because he's a grown man and isn't a lazy arse! He is also very hands on with the kids and occasionally subjects us to his cooking!

Lilymossflower · 16/03/2018 21:57

He needs to do more housework