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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife work?

46 replies

Littlelambpeep · 16/03/2018 20:15

Really upset here but made my a rod for my own back. To put things into context two v young DC and both work in busy jobs (exact same salary but I have a shorter day )

I do all cooking, lunches and sort clothes. Grocery shopping and cleaning. If I am away dh will not eat or will faff and go and buy something in the local shop
So I batch cook and leave spaghetti in a pan for him to cook and reheat bolognese. Sometimes he leaves the dirty dishes in the sink.

He does change bins and will strip and wash bedlinen sometimes. He was meant to do something today and didn't .. I can't look at him. Then I started dinner and just left him to it for two hours.. when I came back he said 'are you still mad?' so I get all the blame.

I'm bored and tired. Watching TV for the evening away from him. His mother still cooks for his 45 year old brother so there isn't much hope....

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelambpeep · 16/03/2018 22:01

I have to say he is great with the kids.aybe I am just angry tonight. I will speak to him another day when I am rational ;)

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 16/03/2018 22:06

That's the trap though isn't it, he does f all and you feel you are being irrational. Hope you get it sorted, it's still a work in progress in our house.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 16/03/2018 22:07

Tell him that in about 5 years when you finally get sick of doing everything to maintain the household he will have the dc 50% of the time and have his whole home to maintain, so maybe he’d like to do his half now. (Then stop doing all the stuff that is purely for him, like his ironing FFS)

crazymumofthree · 16/03/2018 22:07

Forgot to mention I only work 6 hours a week and he has no expectations of me doing anything round the house and if he comes home to a washing pile, or dinner not made he will just crack on because we are a team and we don't count hours or who did what etc as life doesn't always work like that. I think you need to sit him down and just be honest about how it's all making you feel etc!

Labradoodliedoodoo · 17/03/2018 00:17

Sit down with a pen and DH. Spilt the jobs so you each have a list. Don’t do his jobs even if it means a massive back log

Ariesgirl1988 · 17/03/2018 00:21

I get he works but so do you! his mother hasn't helped doing everything for him and how bloody cheeky saying able bodied people should do the cleaning when he does nothing in my eyes he has no say on whether you hire a cleaner. I would go ahead and do it anyway and give the cleaner a list of what i want done. I would then do my own washing and the kids and leave him to do it himself! he'll either get up off his arse and do it or he can walk about in dirty clothes that haven't been ironed. What is it with mothers these days pampering their sons, my best friends BIL has a very well paying job yet his parents still pay for his flat! he takes his washing home to his mum every week and says he "can't" iron not surprisingly he is single honestly mums if he have sons teach them to look after themselves not be lazy sods who expect their wife/girlfriend to take over from them Hmm

Ariesgirl1988 · 17/03/2018 00:23

Also I know this is mean but I find it highly amusing why not arrange a night out with friends and stay over a friends and then ply the kids with sweets, fizzy drinks and chocolate etc, go out and let him deal with hyper kids he'll soon appreciate you then lol Grin I'm a little sadistic sometimes sorry guys

birdsdestiny · 17/03/2018 00:33

I just find the answer of get a cleaner pointless really. I have a cleaner 2 hours a week, and even so the dishwasher needs filling and emptying every day, the clothes need washing, the house needs to be kept tidy, the food needs to be bought and cooked, the forms for school need to be sorted, the do your homework needs to be shouted. My cleaner must be useless because she doesn't do any of that. Op s husband is an arse. A cleaner won't change that.

Shoxfordian · 17/03/2018 05:53

Yeah you could get a cleaner but as birdsdestiny says a cleaner doesn't do all your day to day stuff as well and it doesn't solve the problem of your husband thinking it's fine not to contribute to your household.

I think you need to stop enabling this lazy entitled behaviour of his. Just stop doing everything for him.

ponyprincess · 17/03/2018 06:27

Get a cleaner ..he won't change

Cleavergreene · 17/03/2018 06:38

Don’t do his washing or ironing. Don’t leave him food. Get a cleaner. I’m sure at that point he’ll be prepared to negotiate.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/03/2018 06:45

I only suggested cleaner as he was insisting they didn't need one . His dw othinks they do so she gets one. Not to solve everything but she gets to decide.

Mamia15 · 17/03/2018 06:50

Why are you doing his laundry, cooking, shopping etc then??

Stop doing things for him.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 17/03/2018 06:54

It sounds rather like his mother has been ground down into maintaining her role (what does his sister think of all this? Her husband?) and he is trying the tactic on you. I'm sure he doesn't really believe the thing about his mother loving to look after people - not any more - but it'S a very convenient belief for him to profess.

Tbh, I do think the person with a shorter day should do a little more housework, but it appears that balances out in this case with the time alone without the dc he gets (do you take the dc somewhere regularly?)

As annoying (and an additional chore) it is, I think I would list everything you do and how often/how long, everything he does how often/long, including each of your work hours, present him with the list and ask him how that is fair. The only honest answer he will be able to give will be that it isn't, but you're a woman and he believes women should do everything. Which he obviously won't say. If he tries the 'but you love looking after people', tell him 'I'm telling you now I don't love this. I'm exhausted and miserable. What are we going to do?'

In the best case he will apologise profusely and you will sit down together and work out an equitable split of the chores. Sadly, I'm far from convinced this will happen. Then all you can do is stop doing anything for him - communicating that you will be doing this - and consider where your line is. Good luck.

Bananamanfan · 17/03/2018 07:01

Get a cleaner. He does not get to make the decision if he's cleaning. Is he doing longer days than he's contracted? He needs to step up and do his fair share of childcare pick ups, cooking and housework. If he doesn't I would actually LTB, he has a pretty low opinion of you.

Bananamanfan · 17/03/2018 07:02

if he isn't cleaning

2cats2many · 17/03/2018 07:04

Our arrangement is that DH either does his fair share or he pays for a cleaner.

Needless to say, he pays for the cleaner.

Original poster
Littlelambpeep · 17/03/2018 10:00

We had a big chat last night. I am not going to leave meals for him when I at work. I am going to do an online grocery shop.
Also every other sat I am going to take myself off. Also telling him to wash floors and bleach toilets once a week - I will do my share too.

He thinks I am just mad because of work. I tend to take DC to softplay etc as I get bored at home. today he is coming too. That's a first. Last weekend we went out - I went grocery shopping and he went to the garden centre and came back to the supermarket just as I was finishing 'er.. did you remember jam, did you remember bread' I am just really at the end of my tether. He will comment on the price of this Morning out. I usually pay for DC haircuts and these days out. Will be asking him to buy the next shoes and stuff!!!

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 17/03/2018 10:11

You say he is great with the kids - is he really? It sounds to me he is doing the bare minimum of parenting.

He doesn't go out with them to softplay etc. He doesn't pay for their haircuts, days out etc - he isn't funding their basic needs. He doesn't do basic jobs around the house to make sure their environment is clean, they have clothes to wear etc. He doesn't play with them or do activities with them.

So how exactly is he 'great with the kids'? He sounds to me more like a fun uncle than a dad.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 17/03/2018 12:14

You left him meals for when you are at work Shock

Ryder63 · 17/03/2018 13:06

What is the point of him exactly? Sounds like he does sweet FA for anybody unless prodded. Good with the kids? Nah.

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