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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having a baby with the wrong man?

31 replies

Newtegan · 16/03/2018 19:54

I really need some advice..

I'm now just turned 16 weeks pregnant, I'm only 24.

My partner just doesn't seem that bothered, he comes home every night wanting to drink or do drugs. I always ask him to quit but his response is always "if you're that unhappy with me leave". Most of the time he disappears off down the pub and doesn't come back until late at night. I've been with him over 2 years and he doesn't seem to be showing any signs of changing. He has no consideration for the fact I'm tired from pregnancy and I work full time.

I just don't know what to do, I feel so isolated and alone I used to have a life and friends before all this happened but I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because I don't want people to think bad of him. Even now I'm sitting home on a Friday night pregnant and on my own whilst he's down the pub. To be honest he's the one that convinced me to get pregnant and I feel as if now it was a control thing to keep me home whilst he can do what he likes.

Please help me with some advice.. this is my first baby and I'm petrified of being on my own I just don't know what to do. I've never felt so low in my life and I know I need to get it together because of how much I will love this baby but everything around me right now is just so hard.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 16/03/2018 20:00

Do you have family you can be with?
I really think you'd be better leaving him...because he's only going to get worse as the pregnancy progresses.

Sadly..he'll be in your life for ever as you're having his baby.

I agree that he wanted you pregnant to control you. He's drinking and doing drugs? Not father material.

You're too young to deal with this crap for the years to come.

Hispterwannabe · 16/03/2018 20:01

OP I’m sorry this is so difficult for you, he doesn’t exactly sound like a great partner if I’m honest. have you spoken to him about how you feel?

With respect to potentially being a love parent I can seriously empathise. My ex -pushed- wanted a baby with me too and despite my many reservations I gave in and we tried. The day I found out he left and went back to his exgf. He has a propensity for always coming back but given his rotten behaviour I’m not sure I even want him back which means I’ll be a lone parent. It is scary initially but I’m over the shock now and am excited for the future.

I would definitely try and speak to your family and friends IRL for support, if your partner left or you decided to leave would you financially be able to care for the child? I think that’s a major factor for any mother to be? He would have to give you maintenance but this may be enough.

Hispterwannabe · 16/03/2018 20:02

Agree with @Sandy - I find it so strange that men think that getting a woman pregnant means they have ‘control’. I never needed my ex for anything and having a baby certainly wouldn’t have changed that.

OutyMcOutface · 16/03/2018 20:04

As someone who learned the hard way let me tell you this:an absent parent is far, far better than a bad parent. In your position I would either leave and do it alone or get an abortion/put the baby up for adoption depending on what would be most suitable.

PrettyLittIeThing · 16/03/2018 20:04

I always ask him to quit but his response is always "if you're that unhappy with me leave".

Well he is right. You won't though.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 16/03/2018 20:16

Sorry OP but there is no advice other than to end the relationship. You can't bring a child into this environment

Original poster

Newtegan · 16/03/2018 20:19

Just to mention he has never been physically abusive but once when he was very drunk he spat at me..

He also says to me regularly that I'm fat and ugly without my makeup on. But what I can't understand is when I confront him about how horrible he is he manages to turn it around and make me feel like it's my fault and that I make him feel not good enough.

I just don't know what to do I'm so disappointed in myself for letting my baby have him as a father.

OP posts:

PrettyLittIeThing · 16/03/2018 20:22

I don't think anyone is going to say anything other than leave....

JoJoSM2 · 16/03/2018 20:25

And don't cut yourself off from friends. Obv you can't get smashed but it would be nice to have friends and possibly someone to confide it - they might offer a shoulder to cry on when you (hopefully) move on.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 16/03/2018 20:26

It really doesn't matter that he has never been physically abusive (although spitting st you is physically abusive). Physical abuse is not the only deal breaker, you don't need this to happen to validate a decision to end the relationship.

I get the disappointment in the choice of father for your child. I'm disappointed on my DC's behalf with the father they have. But given your partner's failings, it is even more important that you are a strong parent who makes good choices for your DC. You need to end this relationship and prioritise your DC above your partner and your own feelings

Ryder63 · 16/03/2018 20:36

But he shows absolutely no consideration for you or the coming child, does he? I hope you find the strength to leave this useless 'man' OP. Life as a single parent will be a walk in the park compared with your miserable nonlife now.

CardinalCat · 16/03/2018 22:02

Spitting is physical abuse. It is common assault under English law if done deliberately.

I really hope you leave him and get to enjoy your baby, and to raise him or her, away from somebody like this.

Greenyogagirl · 16/03/2018 22:04

Learn from my mistakes please. I was 21 and thought it would work. One divorce, several court cases later and it still effects me.
Run for the hills and keep you and your baby safe x

Aprilmightmemynewname · 16/03/2018 22:07

And don't put him on the bc. Your dc will do just fine with a blank space instead of 'arsehole' in the df section.

Greenyogagirl · 16/03/2018 22:10

As April said!
Also when you have baby (do you have a parent or friend who can help by talking and going to scans etc) you’ll go to baby groups every day if you want and make lots of friends!

SandyY2K · 16/03/2018 22:11

You're better off without him. If he thinks you're unattractive without make up...why does he want you as the mother of his child?

You need to be strong for you and your baby.... you need to recognise there are other forms of abuse and not just physical.

When men like him realise women won't tolerate such behaviour...they'll either buck up their ideas or be alone.

Any one of those things is preferable to the world as we know it.

ceestar · 16/03/2018 22:17

I really feel for you. I have something similar going on with my boyfriend at the moment in regards to the drink/drugs thing although he at least pretends he’s going to try and stop and then just lies about it later 🙄 I’m also going to be a first time mum and had I not been pregnant I probably would have walked ages ago... although in fairness I’m not sure I would have realised that he had such a big problem if I hadn’t fallen pregnant. I’m also scared to do this alone!

To be honest, your partner sounds much nastier than mine though and also very immature. You need support during pregnancy, I found particularly in the first trimester I really struggled with the lack of emotional support so I really feel for you as I felt very alone too and spent many hours crying and feeling hopeless.

I’m still trying to make a decision for what to do for the better, but if you want someone to talk it through with please get in touch, I’m here for you! x

Sevendown · 16/03/2018 22:23

16 weeks isn’t too late.

This man will use this as a way to abuse you for the next 20 years.

Is that what you want?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 16/03/2018 22:28

"if you're that unhappy with me leave"

Honestly OP, you need to leave and the sooner the better. It is difficult to raise a cild on your own but it is more difficult to raise a child on your own with an inconsiderate drunk and drug use who is bringing you and your child down and making you both miserable.

Hold onto that job, if you work you can get tax credits and that would really help you to survive on your own and find your feet while you get more independent. Staying with someone like this it is just bonkers

AnyFucker · 16/03/2018 22:29

Leave. This will never get better. He has no respect for you and the longer you tolerate his shit the more he will despise you

Dowser · 16/03/2018 23:22

Can I ask a question.
If op leaves, and goes ahead with the baby on her own and when the baby is registered she leaves the father’s name of can he have any claim on that child.

Ie at some point in the future could he , in an act of malice take op to court to try to win custody on some trumped up charge.

This is happening to someone close to me and how she wishes there was no name on the certificate under father.

Greenyogagirl · 16/03/2018 23:25

He could but would have to prove via dna testing and have reasons to why he hasn’t been there for the child. Name on the bc is parental rights. Without that he would have to ask a judge to give him or

PrettyLittIeThing · 16/03/2018 23:25

Yes he will automatically get pr if he takes the op to court if he is the father of the child.

Dowser · 16/03/2018 23:42

Thank you

CompleteAisling · 16/03/2018 23:49

Ie at some point in the future could he , in an act of malice take op to court to try to win custody on some trumped up charge

He doesn't need any malice or trumped up charge to be recognised as the legal father and get parental responsibility and access. Much harder to get residency but it goes on the best interests of the child, not the parents.

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