Husbands deceit

[hulah]

This is a bit long winded so bare with me. Been with DH 15years, 2 kids. About 6 years ago pre kids ( but married) I found out DH was having an emotional affair with a woman at work. He didn't tell me I found an email on his phone and then checked phone bills etc, only then did he confess. ( after making me feel like a madwoman )This was hundred of messages over several months. I never felt like he told me the whole truth about it as he couldn't ( wouldn't?) tell me about specific conversations etc. Anyway I found out I was a pregnant with DC1 so we worked through it although I thought about it on a very frequent basis. We carried on, him promising to be honest with me allowing all access to phone/email etc. A couple of years later he is off on a night out with friends. I just had a feeling the next morning something wasn't right. I found on his phone messages sounding like they had all been to a strip club that night. (I know lots of couple have no problems with this but it's something we have discussed and I have asked him not to do) He flat out lied he had been, swore on our children's lives etc, told me I could ring his mates ( and humiliate myself) etc but that I was once again a crazy lady. I couldn't shake the feeling he was lying and basically nagged him for a month that he confessed to going. I really struggled with the lies, I couldn't see how he could put me through the lying again. Anyway we tried to work through it but it made me lose all trust we had regained and frankly made me feel shit and insecure about myself. We stayed together but again i don't feel like I am over it even thoughts it's a few years ago now

He still allows access to phone and email but I try not to look because I hate it and I just wish things were normal that I didn't feel I have to check up on him. Anyway last night I saw he had been messaging his friends about going away for a weekend. One of the blokes implied they would be going to a strip club. DH didn't know I had seen this message. Yet when I checked his phone he had deleted the messages that said this

I confronted him and he admitted it straight away saying that he didn't want me to get upset about the message so he thought it would be better just deleting it and that he wouldn't go. My problem is he keeps lying. Albeit over a few years. But I'm not sure what's lies and what's the truth. Has he deleted other messages that I'm not aware of? ( this is what's app so I can't check via phone bill) Am i being unreasonable blowing this up? I'm really angry about it but he seemed to think it wasn't much of a big deal??

You don't trust him and I don't blame you. He carried on an emotional affair for months. If he can do that, surely he can deceive you about a strip club. I could not live like this. I'm really sorry but he showed who he really was years ago when he lied about the EA.

Only you can decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life doubting him or leave him and have peace.

He's not trustworthy and you are going to spend the rest of your life checking up on him like a mother, that's neither normal or healthy.

You know who he is, he's a man that will cheat on you and lie and make you feel crap about yourself although I see it the other way, I think he's crap and you can do a zillion times better, don't sacrifice your self respect to keep your family together when he's probably been up to no good since the first time you caught him out, what about the times you haven't, sorry but this is not a life, you are allowing him to make you mentally ill and all because he can't keep it in his pants. Go find a man that you can trust, there are plenty that wouldn't disrespect you like this.

The moment you feel the need to look through your partners phone, is the moment it’s over. You cannot trust this man, you can’t constantly live on edge or ‘check up’ on him. What sort of marriage is that?

relationships are overrated.

Before all the heartful stuff was he a good and decent man? I'd talk to him. Kay it on the line that you miss how things were but his lying is causing more problems than been the strip club visit. Give him the chance t own up to a past visit. Then see how you feel. You must do what feels right for you, not what some strangers tell you what they think you should, and they would, do.

Hurtful not heartful

I would kick him to the curb lie after lie he aint trustworthy and lastly calling you a madwoman and crazy sounds a bit like gas lighting to me he cnt have his cake and eat it and really do you wanna be checking up on for the rest of your lives? as for call his mates and ask of course they are gonna lie for him i would imagine he has already primed them to cover for him.

Thanks for the replies

He admitted to the strip club. Obviously he knew his friends would cover for me if I had rung up. I'm just making the point that he was happy to let me humiliate myself and do it.

I don't want to end the relationship but I feel like I am running out of options. I don't know how to trust him again. And you are right I'm living on edge

Going to a strip club with mates is very different to having an emotional affair. He clearly wants to go where his mates go, and socialise with them, he's not suggesting going, but you having a significant issue with it, means he has to tell his friends he can't go with them.

He's not telling you because of your reaction clearly. He probably sees going as something benign, as I do. For many women it would be a private dance that would be the issue, not the simple going if that's where the rest of the gang were going. So your line here impacts his social life. His view on it will be different to yours and it means he misses socialising with his friends.

In addition you also go through his phone and emails. I don't think I could take this. As such it's no way for either of you to live.

I really think you both need to reconsider the relationship. It's not healthy and can't be happy.

I can’t beleive the extent to which you check his emails and phone conversations with his friends. This is not healthy IMO. You either stay together and build trust in a healthy way or split up and move on. You both can’t live like this. I’m sorry for what he put you through

I'd not be with any man that visited a strip club, whether it was a personal tease dance or not and I'd lose all respect, esp if he didn't have the backbone to tell his friends he was not interested in going, he's not an adolescent that has to follow the crowd.

If you don't want to split then I suggest you stop checking up on him like a naughty school boy and maybe in time, if he actually starts to behave like a husband should, you may gain that trust back, but, tbh, it's not looking very likely.

In defence of myself it's standard affair recovery to allow all access to phones/emails etc. I don't check all the time. Maybe when I've had a trigger or a bad day. I agree it's not healthy

I couldn't be with someone who had to check all my conversations with others. It's suffocating and really not healthy. I'm sorry OP but I suggest you guys get some couples counselling if you want to keep your marriage.

Hulah, I feel for you. I think your behaviour is completely normal as your husband had an affair and in the time since has not made you feel ‘safe’ as he has continued to tell lies. You probably wouldn’t feel the need to check up on him if he had acted with honesty since then.

I agree that it’s not a healthy way to live though. He needs to understand that you cannot rebuild trust while he is still telling lies and he needs to be 100% honest with you, even if it’s something you won’t like.

It might mean he doesn’t always get his way but what is more important to him - laddish trips to a strip joint or his wife? If it’s the former you’re better off without him.

OP this will end up driving you crazy and making you ill. No man is worth losing your sanity over. You will live a life of not knowing what's the truth and what's a lie.
Through your posts you sound drained and fed up. If it was me and I really didn't want to leave I would stop checking his phone because he's gonna do whatever he wants regardless and it's doing none of you any good.
I hope you get the strength to realise you deserve better and eventually move on. Good luck OP.

OMG give the man a break.

Give yourself a break.
If you are looking for something bad you will find it.

Rather strip club than OW.

Personally I don't think he deserves a break. I think you do.
Besides strip clubs are sleazy and immature.
Not many women would appreciate that shit. On top of the EA.
Cut your losses, he won't change.
He knows your feelings and continues to act like a manchild anyway.

It's been six years and yes what he did wasn't right but you either forgive and forget and move forward or you separate! If you don't trust him now you won't trust him in 10 or 20 years.
Your husband is probably just having a drink and talking to his mates at the strip club whilst some of the others watch the girls or have a dance. To the girls in the club it is just a job!

Thank you for everyone's replies, given me something to think about. It's not so much that he went to a strip club ( although I don't like it) it was more the lies afterwards that he did not go and to carry on the lie for so long. I only know because he was caught out. The lies are worse than anything

A natural human reaction is to deny something you know your spouse will disapprove of like this.

If his friends are going to a strip club while they're away, would you expect him to stay in the hotel by himself? Or would you expect that he pulls out of the trip together because they plan on going to a strip club?

Him calling you crazy wasn't good though...that's definetly gaslighting. He'd rather you think you were going mad than admit the truth.

OP I feel for you as I'm also dealing with a DH who's been lying and manipulating me (different context but same effect on me).
I think people are too harsh on you here, it's not simple to toss your DH and father of your children so easily. You basically just want the truth out and to stop worrying and feeling you must spy on him every now and then, right? It's not to much to ask from a DH. I think some guys just don't see what's wrong with a bit of secrecy even if they know it hurts their wife... Is he nice/calm at least or is he aggressive about it all?

I'm afraid I don't have answers except maybe keep notes (diary or emails) of what was said between you too so he doesn't start revisiting the past (my DH has started doing that). At least you won't doubt yourself and think you're going mad. Which means you'll have the upper hand, not him.

I would hate the idea of a strip club because if you agree to it you never know what happens there, while you're at home with the kids, and it's really awful just thinking of it.
I want to believe couple counselling can help but here on MN a lot of posters are much more radical. Maybe for good reason. But it's never easy and simple. Good luck

Another thought - do the strip club friends have wives, and are the wives aware of them going?

Sandy- I guess I would expect him to man up to his friends and say night all I'm going back to the hotel. ( this would be an end of night thing rather than early on)

Eskimo- thank you for your message. I'm sorry you are going through it also. I don't think you understand how it feels to be betrayed by a spouse until it has happened to you.

He is calm and nice about it. He accepts his mistakes. I'm just not sure I can take many more mistakes.

A couple of the wives may be aware of the strip clubs. These are all married men with young children. Makes me a bit sick. DH has told me before about them going but always when he was not there etc Not sure I could tell the wives though

Also we went to relate after the EA. One session and the lady told me as we were newly married I should forgive him. Didn't bother going back after that

hulah what a terrible advice she gave you. As if you had to make the efforts, not him. Excusing him like a misbehaved child.

Yes I do agree it's impossible to understand until you are faced with this yourself in real life.

I'm not sure telling the wives is a good idea either. I think I'd like to be told by a friend's wife if my husband was going to strip clubs but obviously it can destroy couples too. I was thinking more about building up the husbands guilt and sense of responsibility, because if their wives are unaware they need a bit of a kick in the * ... Tough call.