Husbands deceit

[hulah]

This is a bit long winded so bare with me. Been with DH 15years, 2 kids. About 6 years ago pre kids ( but married) I found out DH was having an emotional affair with a woman at work. He didn't tell me I found an email on his phone and then checked phone bills etc, only then did he confess. ( after making me feel like a madwoman )This was hundred of messages over several months. I never felt like he told me the whole truth about it as he couldn't ( wouldn't?) tell me about specific conversations etc. Anyway I found out I was a pregnant with DC1 so we worked through it although I thought about it on a very frequent basis. We carried on, him promising to be honest with me allowing all access to phone/email etc. A couple of years later he is off on a night out with friends. I just had a feeling the next morning something wasn't right. I found on his phone messages sounding like they had all been to a strip club that night. (I know lots of couple have no problems with this but it's something we have discussed and I have asked him not to do) He flat out lied he had been, swore on our children's lives etc, told me I could ring his mates ( and humiliate myself) etc but that I was once again a crazy lady. I couldn't shake the feeling he was lying and basically nagged him for a month that he confessed to going. I really struggled with the lies, I couldn't see how he could put me through the lying again. Anyway we tried to work through it but it made me lose all trust we had regained and frankly made me feel shit and insecure about myself. We stayed together but again i don't feel like I am over it even thoughts it's a few years ago now

He still allows access to phone and email but I try not to look because I hate it and I just wish things were normal that I didn't feel I have to check up on him. Anyway last night I saw he had been messaging his friends about going away for a weekend. One of the blokes implied they would be going to a strip club. DH didn't know I had seen this message. Yet when I checked his phone he had deleted the messages that said this

I confronted him and he admitted it straight away saying that he didn't want me to get upset about the message so he thought it would be better just deleting it and that he wouldn't go. My problem is he keeps lying. Albeit over a few years. But I'm not sure what's lies and what's the truth. Has he deleted other messages that I'm not aware of? ( this is what's app so I can't check via phone bill) Am i being unreasonable blowing this up? I'm really angry about it but he seemed to think it wasn't much of a big deal??

These things are never easy.
And - I think your past hurt is still there and drives your actions/reactions.
Which is understandable, but also a vicious circle.

Everybody lies about something. And in relationships it happens all the time. Especially around things we want/like/do but partners have an opposite opinion on them and try to control us.
(I have a friend - her H thinks a certain soft drink is harmful to ones health. So she hides drinking it. Does it when he isn’t around.🤷🏻‍♀️)

And - sure - many people will come and say - Strip Club isn’t the same. (Or if it were porn - even more people would come and say that) - but the point is - it’s still a matter of opinion. You, yourself - recognise that people have different level of tolerance to that. It’s not absolutely right/wrong.

And on that - you and H differ, clearly. And - you think because of his mistake 6 years ago - that your opinion/preference is more important than his.
But I don’t think it works like that.

And - for me - i’d only blame him for not being a strong enough person to just say it - and reassuring you that, while it’s not his preferred activity - he is going along with friends, because he wants to spend time with them and not because he is looking to cheat.

Instead he chooses a path of least resistance and hopes that what you don’t know won’t hurt you.
And that’s just weak if him. And stupid too.

You said it yourself - you don’t want to break up the family. I think you need to decide what’s more important to you - having a tight control and things being your way, or finding a workable balance.
You can, of course, push him further and make him feel bad around his friends. But in the long term - that control you want to exert - will hurt the relationship. Resentments would build. And it won’t feel like a partnership.
Is that what you want?

Mistakes my arse. He'd rather make agreements and lie to cover up the fact that he had no intention of sticking to them. In addition, he deliberately maintains the lies knowing the impact it has on your mh. Urgh, this man doesn't respect you, which makes his lies so effortlessly convenient for him. This is who he is and there isn't a parallel universe where lying isn't his first resort.

The balls in your court but don't waste your time waiting for him to be different.