Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting to his "jokes"?

46 replies

stranski · 16/03/2018 11:28

will try to be concise, so much going on in my head right now....

I've been seeing someone for about 6 months who I really like and is generally kind and respectful, at least in his actions. However, he has this thing about taking the piss and making jokes at my expense - usually about me having a big arse or something equally sexist and juvenile (he works in a very "male banter" environment). I don't have a big arse or any serious body issues so can usually laugh it off. But I have been in a couple of EA relationships, the last of which turned violent and ended up with a restraining order and me having to start a new life far away. New guy knows about this and I have warned him that I may not always see the funny side of his "jokes" as my self confidence, much as I hate it, took a major hit as a result of this.

He insists that this kind of piss-taking is a sign of affection but I don't connect with that. We were talking last night and he made one of these jokes, it must've caught me off guard because I just (politely) said "Ok this conversation is over, good night" and hung up. I then had a horrible anxiety dream about him cheating on me (the third time this has happened), and can't shake the feeling this morning.

This is currently a long-distance relationship - like living in different countries. Add to that the fact that at the beginning, he felt the need to confess that he had been a serial cheat in the (now distant) past, because "he wanted to be completely honest with me" (wish he had kept that info to himself). Swears he saw the error of his ways and would never repeat such behaviour.

I am so unsure of myself that I don't know if I'm being oversensitive - as I said he is kind and respectful in his actions. He is due to come and visit me next week. Would love some input from MNers.

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 16/03/2018 11:35

My view is that if you don't like his silly comments then he's not the guy for you. Maybe you are oversensitive, maybe not. It really doesn't matter does it? You don't like this aspect of him and I wouldn't either.

He's been a serial cheat in the past too, a red flag right there.

I don't much like this guy from your description, up to you if you want to continue this.

MarieG10 · 16/03/2018 11:41

I think after the explanation you have given, he should have taken the hint and cut it out as he knows it's upsetting you.

Serial cheat....well yes a red flag definitely but occasionally some people do learn...but I afraid I would be sceptical as usually these guys can't say no!

CaffeineAndCrochet · 16/03/2018 11:45

Don't see it in terms of him doing something right or wrong that you need to make peace with. Look at it as a compatibility issue. You're not punishing him if you finish with him, you're just not suited to each other.

Hidingtonothing · 16/03/2018 11:46

Thing is it wouldn't be difficult for him to just stop doing it would it? You've told him you don't like it and, instead of just stopping, he's making excuses trying to explain his behaviour and convince you to be 'ok' with it, that's a red flag for me.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/03/2018 11:47

You have told him that you may not see the 'funny' side of his 'jokes' and told him why. Yet he still does it.

He has told you he has been a serial cheat in the past.

he is kind and respectful in his actions

No. He really is not.

Seriously? He sounds like a disrespectful twat. I'd cancel the visit (and the relationship). It will only get worse. He will slowly chip away at your esteem. But it will only be 'in jest' or 'for your own good' or 'you're taking it too seriously'.

Red flags everywhere! Sorry.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/03/2018 11:49

Basically he thinks he's a bit of a lad. Cheating, stupid jokes to humiliate women... this is what he thinks a bloke should be like.

Why would you want someone like that?

Ariesgirl1988 · 16/03/2018 11:49

hmm he clearly can't care that much if he knows all you have been through and still makes these "jokes" despite you calling him out on it and saying you don't like it. If he cared that much about you he would stop and apologise immediately not say oh I work in a male dominated environment that's no excuse. Confessing to being a serial cheat major red flag I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him I wouldn't say you were being oversensitive in fact it wouldn't surprise me one bit if he's another abusive ahole just dressing it up as a joke. If he can't respect you and continues this behaviour I would kick his arse to the curb and move on. Better to do it now rather than get more emotionally involved with him and see his true colours

SevenStones · 16/03/2018 11:51

My ex husband used to tell "little jokettes" which were nasty little jokes at my expense and apparently I was being over sensitive objecting to them.

I'd knock it on the head - he obviously isn't listening to you about the jokes, and I feel he's setting things up so that if he cheats in the future, he can 'explain' how hard it is to kick old habits and that he's trying etc etc but has just had a little relapse blah blah blah.

OnTheRise · 16/03/2018 11:53

He's not being respectful of you. He's belittling and humiliating you. This isn't funny, it's mean.

I think you can do better.

Makingworkwork · 16/03/2018 11:55

I think you are under reacting. If he is not trying in the early days of your relationship to make you feel like the most amazing and important person on this earth (own children excluded) then something is not right. He is actively doing something that you have asked him to stop because it makes you feel bad. Why would you want to be with a person like this?

trojanpony · 16/03/2018 11:56

Did he call back immediately falling over himself to apologise?

I’m guessing no, but even if he did...
He is not the man for you and Your instincts are telling “hell no”.

Read your post back, anxiety dreams aren’t normal I’d dump and run stat!

ravenmum · 16/03/2018 11:56

This joke caught you off-guard and your instinctive, off-guard reaction was to be pissed off. Why might you not have been listening to your instincts so far?

Lizzie48 · 16/03/2018 11:56

I hate this 'it's just a joke' and 'you're oversensitive' BS. It's called bullying, which starts in the playground and some people just don't grow out of it. He knows you don't like it and what you went through in your previous relationships so if he cared about you he wouldn't do it.

NotTheFordType · 16/03/2018 11:58

It doesn't matter if he thinks you're over-reacting to his jokes insults - you've told him you don't like it, and he doesn't give a shit.

Someone who actually cared about you would stop doing it, without hesitation. He knows he is upsetting you and he likes it.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2018 11:59

He sounds like a dick

littlemisscomper · 16/03/2018 12:00

A serial cheat who goes out of his way to belittle you?

He's a keeper.

halfwitpicker · 16/03/2018 12:00

Agree with anyfucker

aRespectableBureaudeChange · 16/03/2018 12:02

As the saying goes: he is showing you who he is, albeit with a smile and apparent bonhomie (so he says).

I think if like this at the start - doesn't bode well for later when his 'jokes' will be more personal - as he gets to know more about you, more ammunition?

Clear line time: he stops with his put downs (jokes) or you'll be reassessing if he's worth the effort.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2018 12:03

He sounds like an arsehole to me. I've her understood people who make jokes at others expense. I'd tell him to fuck off permanently. So he can sit and make jokes at his own expense and laugh his socks off.

Original poster
stranski · 16/03/2018 12:09

His explanation is that he tries to show me through his actions how he feels about me and that if a couple can't have a laugh and a joke then there's no point, which I do agree with. I messaged him last night to say it's like poking someone in the back every time you walk past, then being surprised when they tell you to fuck off. No response as yet.

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 16/03/2018 12:12

A couple can laugh and joke together - he is making 'jokes' at your expense.
Many years ago I had a boyfriend like this, took me a while to see that he was actually being cruel and bullying.
Yeah, he does sound a dick.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2018 12:12

With all due respect, as he is a self confessed cheating shagabout what is so special about you that will make him stop ?

It's a mistake as old as the hills. "I can change him". No, you can't.

LineysOfArabia · 16/03/2018 12:12

Why are you bothering??

hellsbellsmelons · 16/03/2018 12:16

It's really long distance.
It's a short relationship.
He's an asshole.
I feckin' hate the word 'banter'. It's just an excuse for people to say appalling things!
Honestly, what does he bring that's positive?
HOW does he show in his actions how much he cares for you?
From what you've said, this is a serious no-brainer.
End it and find a kind man who doesn't want to knock your self-esteem at every opportunity and then blame you because you don't get his 'banter'!
Fuck that!!!

dirtybadger · 16/03/2018 12:21

I agree with others as this being a compatibility issue. I realllllly dont get taking the piss out of each other. I have a good sense of humour, and will poke fun of friends and Vv, but not my DP. And he feels the same. It would be toxic. But I see other couples where there is this regular "banter" and they enjoy it. Others where, like yours, it is one sided and eroding the relationship. You dont have to find it funny, and thats fine, even if other people wouldnt mind.