Am I overreacting to his "jokes"?

[stranski]

will try to be concise, so much going on in my head right now....

I've been seeing someone for about 6 months who I really like and is generally kind and respectful, at least in his actions. However, he has this thing about taking the piss and making jokes at my expense - usually about me having a big arse or something equally sexist and juvenile (he works in a very "male banter" environment). I don't have a big arse or any serious body issues so can usually laugh it off. But I have been in a couple of EA relationships, the last of which turned violent and ended up with a restraining order and me having to start a new life far away. New guy knows about this and I have warned him that I may not always see the funny side of his "jokes" as my self confidence, much as I hate it, took a major hit as a result of this.

He insists that this kind of piss-taking is a sign of affection but I don't connect with that. We were talking last night and he made one of these jokes, it must've caught me off guard because I just (politely) said "Ok this conversation is over, good night" and hung up. I then had a horrible anxiety dream about him cheating on me (the third time this has happened), and can't shake the feeling this morning.

This is currently a long-distance relationship - like living in different countries. Add to that the fact that at the beginning, he felt the need to confess that he had been a serial cheat in the (now distant) past, because "he wanted to be completely honest with me" (wish he had kept that info to himself). Swears he saw the error of his ways and would never repeat such behaviour.

I am so unsure of myself that I don't know if I'm being oversensitive - as I said he is kind and respectful in his actions. He is due to come and visit me next week. Would love some input from MNers.

He's an asshole. Get rid!

Yeah he's a knob. Dh and I have a lot of laughs but not at the expense of him insulting my body.

Just adding to what everyone has said.
He doesn't respect your feelings enough to stop, and this is a bad sign for things to come.

Add the red flag that you're so special that he's stopped cheating. Sure...

He may seem otherwise kind and respectful for now, but it looks like he's setting the relationship to be as bad as your other EA relationships.

You need to establish your boundaries and walk out at the first signs of emotional abuse. It's time to end this. Spend some time alone if you need to.

I cannot see the attraction of this man at all and with your relationship history he sounds like the worst possible candidate for a new man. It sounds like there's a pattern here. If you possibly can I'd end it and find a much nicer person. You don't need this - to humiliate you isn't even funny either.

I hate to say this, but he may well see you who is vulnerable because of the abuse you've suffered in the past and that you will put up with behaviour that other women wouldn't tolerate.

You need to prove him wrong, you're a very strong woman having survived and built a new life for yourself.

I messaged him last night to say it's like poking someone in the back every time you walk past, then being surprised when they tell you to fuck off

Brilliant!!!

You know exactly who he is, how he operates, and what he will do. It's just that his words don't fit with everything you know about him. Ignore the words and trust your other senses. You know exactly what you need to do. Listen to yourself. Stop talking yourself out of it.

It shouldn't be this hard.

He's not that in to you otherwise he would listen to you.

This is him at his early days best. He will only get worse.

I don't know why you are bothering - there are plenty of nice men out there who are much more compatible with you.

Pick up your self esteem and find someone who is much more deserving of you.

His explanation is that he tries to show me through his actions how he feels about me and that if a couple can't have a laugh and a joke then there's no point

It's not an explanation, it's him trying to justify his man-twat behaviour, he's manipulative and doesn't like the fact that you're trying to establish boundaries.

that if a couple can't have a laugh and a joke then there's no point

Does he laugh about himself, though? I bet he doesn't.

Why can’t he make jokes about something other than your body?

Urgh! I grew up with my dad making jokes about my mums “big arse” or her weight. I genuinely believed my mum was really fat. She’s never been bigger than a size 14 in all her life. she hated the “jokes” and he found it hilarious when she asked him not to. I hate my dad for doing that to her.

I also know a man who will tag his wife on fb in images or videos of overweight people. He also once referred to their 2yo daughter having her mothers arse I’m always cringing so badly for the woman who is just a lovely person.

OP I couldn’t tolerate what your boyfriend does.

You mention that you have been in a couple of EA relationships, so use the lessons learned from those and end this one before it happens again.
My ex (the one who 3RA verbally abused, manipulated, harassed and finally beat me) did this at the beginning. It is now what I know to be a warning sign. The insults veiled as jokes the I never found funny because I was too 'sensitive'. He excused them as banter or sarcasm they were simply insults used to knock my confidence. Which they did, so when the real abuse started I didn't know which way was up.
In any case, maybe that is just his sense off humour (in which case he is an insensitive arse) but you have asked him to refrain from doing it. He chooses not to, displaying that he has no respect for your feelings or personal boundaries.
I would end it, without explanation. It's not working for me would be all he would get in this scenario (which is more than he deserves imo)

You've basically gone from one abusive relationship into yet another.

I would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid if you are in the UK and do their online version of it if you are not.

Love your own self for a change, you need to be on your own and give yourself proper time to heal. This is because you are giving out vibes subconsciously that makes you more attractive to such abusive men.

His explanation is that he tries to show me through his actions how he feels about me

When he tells these 'jokes', that's an action. Doing these jokes when you've asked him not to is an action.

He's showing you exactly how he feels.

Haha this is my first time on MN, you people don't mince your words! Thanks though, think I already knew the answer just needed some outside support. I am very aware of the potential to fall into the same patterns which is why this makes me so uneasy. Think I'll be having 'that' conversation later...

He sounds like a fucking arsehat to me to be honest. I would have walked MONTHS ago.

Why do some men think attacking a woman's body size or shape (or the way she looks) is 'whimsical' or funny? Fucking cunts.

I think he is just trying to keep you in your place and make you feel insecure abut yourself, to keep you with him. Some men do this. Makes them feel better about themselves if their woman feel a bit shit about herself.

Even if we all said "those jokes are fine by me", you'd still be perfectly entitled to say "I don't like these jokes, and I don't want to date someone who makes this kind of joke".

(they are not fine, his behaviour is not fine, this is not a decent person)

A joke is only a joke if both parties find it funny. My DH has a sense of humour, and mostly I like it, but when I haven't and have pulled him up on it, he's been quick to apologise. That's how it's supposed to be.

His explanation is that he tries to show me through his actions how he feels about me and that if a couple can't have a laugh and a joke then there's no point, which I do agree with.

I agree with that too. But he's laughing AT YOU. He's making fun OF YOU. And then when you object (and rightly, too) he's telling you that you have no sense of humour. This isn't funny, this is the early stages of abuse.