Did I overreact during this argument? Perspectives please?

[AnnaStudy]

Hi,
My boyfriend is 26, I'm 22, been together 2 and a half years and we've argued (kind of) the past few days. We havent argued in a while before this.
Anyway, he's stressed because he doesn't know what he wants in his life, and isn't sure whether he wants to move away, he's not happy with his low paying job and it's getting him down and stressed that he still lives at home with his mum and dad. I don't mind this, I love him either way and it's realistic that we couldn't afford a house right now. I'm starting my nursing degree in September.
Anyways, we were planning on going on holiday and this was something I was looking forward to after completing my studies. Anyways, I text him 2 days ago about the holiday and ideas about where to go at 12pm (we wanted to book it by the end of this week about and we've both been so excited), he didn't reply. So at 8pm, I text him asking if everything was okay and he just said "yeah" so I said "what you been doing? Xxx" (I don't need to know where he is 24/7 but he hasn't ignored me like that in so long) and he said "sorting stuff out" so I said "oh okay! Nearly finished my work!" And he said "cool", so I rung him and asked if everything was okay, and he was really annoyed and he said not to ask him again because he's stressed. So I said "what's wrong?" He snapped and said "it's none of my business" so I told him not to speak to me like that but signal was bad so we had to hang up.
Anyway I sent him a text the next day saying "have a lovely day! Shall I pop round later?" And he said "yeah sure!"
I text about 6 asking what times best and he said he's tired but it's up to me. And he picked me up 20 minutes later.
When I got to his house, he didn't seem his usual lovey self. He was just on his phone with his back to me. So after a while I piped up and said how rubbish it's making me feel. That I feel rubbish with how he spoke to me last night and now he's got his back to me. This resulted in a tit for tat argument. He said I was up myself and that I can't handle that he didn't text me back quick enough and that he's tired and got a lot going on. So I said how I'm getting tired of his moods and I don't know what to say to him anymore, and I'm getting tired of him ignoring me everytime there's confrontation. I always get teary whenever we argue, it's the way my body deals with stress (I really hate it), and he started saying how I started this so why am I crying.
Anyway we made up, hugged and went to sleep. The next day, we were okay but then I said "shall we look at holidays then??" And he said "I dont feel like going on holiday, I dont feel happy enough to go", I once again started getting teary saying how Im scared his mood is going to get away in our relationship. He said that he can't believe I'm thinking about myself and this holiday and that I'm crying because I can't go on holiday. He also said he feels he cant tell me anything without me getting defensive. I said that I'm obviously going to be disappointed when we've been planning this holiday for ages and I've been looking forward to it. I was crying again so I got up and said I'm going home for a couple of hours because his moods are getting me down and I need to cool off but I'll be fine in and couple of hours.
He said maybe we should go a week without seeing each other. (He does this a lot whenever we argue he gives me the silent treatment for about 5 days). He said he needs to sort himself out and I can focus on my studies.
I'm more of a let's sort it out asap person,so I said a week is a bit much. But he was persistent.
Anyways, I was sat at home and I didnt like how we left things. So I rung him and said it's making me uncomfortable that we have and time set before we can see each other. He said it's for the best and I said everything is always on your terms. Whenever we argue, it's always you who decides when we can and can't see each other. And he said that's not true. And we hung up.
I then acted a bit psychotic (I admit) and thought "he always leaves me lingering, I'm just going to drive to his and sort it" so I did. I text saying "I'm outside, are you in?". No response so I went home and asked him to call me. Which he did, and I told him how sad this was all making me, how him being bored of life since January is getting me down and Im just really sad.
He said to just calm down. I asked if I could just come down to his to talk for an hour and he said no because he wanted to do stuff. I was crying so much (I look back and cringe), and so I said "how can you say no when I always drive straight to yours whenever you say your upset and need to talk to me", and he said "that's different because this thing your worrying about now isn't a big deal. You've made this situation about me and you so you can sit and think about how you caused this. Not me. I wasn't in a mood with you but you've turned this into a big thing". And then he said something like "I need to start thinking about myself but we can see each other next week and have a nice day together". I said okay.

I sent him a text at 11pm just saying sorry and that I hope he has a good day tomorrow and that I love him.
He hasn't got back to me and it's now 6pm :( I haven't text anymore or tried to ring him. I feel calmer now since I think yesterday I was just panicked since he's done it so much before that it makes me anxious when we argue. And I know he won't text me for about 4 days now because he's done it before :(
I'm scared I've put him off with how needy I was but I was just worried and this is our first argument in ages so it's not as if it's regular :(
We were just so happy last week and saw each other practically every day and he was practically begging me to come round. Now he can't even be bothered to get in touch with me

I totally disagree with all other pp. I think he's having a really hard time and you seem to be minimising this a little. He's going through his own stuff and you seem to think its all about 'your relationship'. He wants space to process what's going on with his life, and you're panicking about holidays. Agree with other pps on give him his space, take yours, and read 'why men love bitches'

It sounds like he is very depressed and needs some kind of help from a doctor that can point him in the right direction.
My now husband was like this when we had been going out for a few years. It just comes on all of a sudden and i were made to feel like shit.
It's either walk away or stick by him and try and.get him the help he needs. The longer you are together the worse it will get as it's like they expect you to know what's going on in thier heads, even though they don't open up about their problems and we then bare the brunt of it because we are expected to know.
I have had arguments as im not the sort of person who will take the shit. But now I'm older I've realised that people with depression don't care about themselves so they don't care about how you feel. So the more we nagg that we feel this way because they act this way etc.it doesn't register in thier heads because of the depression.
I said to my husband before we were married that if it doesn't get sorted we would have to end it as no one is happy and no one is making each other happy. We managed to talk and we went to the doctors together and he got put on some meds. Which have worked .

You are both quite young and most people would say to end your relationship.
But if you see a future together then you will fight through it.
My dh and I have been through so much even before we were married and he is my best friend and we both couldn't cope without each other. Yes when we were younger we would call it quits then one would realise life is to short to argue and we really love each other so we will try and get help.

Maybe it's stress at home can he not stay a few weeks at your house just to give him break. And just agree not to argue and try your best to not have a go when he's in one of his moods. Ask him what he would like to do to feel better etc.

All the best in what you decide to do .

I think taking some time apart is actually a good thing, for both of you. But it's important that you realize that you have control over this as well. It's your relationship as well.

Take this time apart to really think about your relationship but more importantly with your life as well. Frankly it's pretty clear that you're growing apart. You have goals and plans, he does not. It's likely that he notices that and it makes him feel badly about himself. That is not YOUR problem. He's older than you, he's an adult. He can either choose to grow himself, or choose to wallow. He's choosing to wallow.

It is entirely possible that you overreacted in this argument, so ask yourself why. Is it because he acts like this all the time and you just snapped?

Someone else about posted this about your behaviour

1. constantly texting, and then ringing when he has said he had stuff to sort out and wasn’t engaging in conversation
2. crying because he decided a holiday wasn’t the best idea
3. he asked you for space, you refused to give him this
4. you drove to his house knowing he wanted space
5. you say he is depressed but you’re making it all about you, how his feeling shit is making you feel. You are guilt tripping him by throwing his own depression back into his face.

It's easy to take those points above and instead read them like this:

1. constantly text and ringing because he doesn't tell you what's going on and you're worried about him and have had to help him when he was depressed prior
2. crying because he decided to completely ignore the plans you guys had been planning for months and something you were excited about because he didn't feel "happy" at the moment
3. He started to freeze you out like he's done in the past and you tried to find out what was going on
4. You drove to his house in an attempt to try and sort things out and he couldn't even be bothered to respond to your texts or answer the door
5. You have tried to be understanding about his depression as he's been dealing with it throughout your entire relationship but you don't feel like he's doing anything to improve it and is just wallowing. You're concerned about the future of your relationship.

He is 26. You are 22. You are in totally different places in your life right now and it appears that you're heading in different directions. Contrary to the post above, it appears to me that he's a bit self-absorbed and wallowing right now. He chooses when to provide love to you, to communicate. He determines when you "deserve" to talk to him. He determines what's your business and what's not.

This isn't an equal relationship and it seems it's probably come to an end. He needs to work on himself and focus on himself. And you need to build yourself back up again and realise that you deserve better.

The holiday I think is the catalyst because it's how something YOU want isn't as important as something HE wants. It's another time he's let you down. Plan the holiday and go with friends.

You're coming across as needy and intrusive. 8 hours isn't too long to take to reply to a message and even when he was engaging with you, you still rang him up.

He's told you how low he feels and you seeking constant reassurance from him isn't helping. And when he says he wants space you refuse to give it to him because you want him to make you feel better.

If you really want to be in a relationship with him you need to back off because you'll just push him further away. Some time apart might be a good thing for you to do for you - it sounds like you're really dependent on him emotionally and that isn't good for you either.

You're twenty two. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don't need this man in it.

You're not responsible for his mental health or for his happiness. He is.

My suggestion would be don't contact him, if he comes back at the end of the week break up with him. If he hasn't by then call/text and break up that way.

Find a friend who wants to travel and go on holiday with them.

Just re-read my post, I meant to say it doesn't seem like the best relationship for either of you.

As my grandma used to say. Never chase after a boy or a bus, there’ll be another one along in ten minutes.

He sounds such hard work
Please don't think sulking like this is normal! You're so young; don't waste your life with him

Yes I agree with other posters about you coming across as emotionally abusive.

You repeatedly asked him if he was okay, and he even said himself he was fine before you harassed him about whether he was okay, and then when he explained he was too sad to go on holiday you turned it all around on you, started crying and refused to leave him alone when he asked you to.

I think you need to separate and then you need to take some time to work on yourself; reflect on this behaviour and realise it isn’t okay.

If someone is struggling with their mental health and you’re just upset you can’t have a holiday, your emotional outbursts which force him into being in a caring role for you are meaning that his emotions and feelings are overshadowed and go unaddressed, which only prolongs the issue.

He was very wise and tried to look after his mental health here; he recognised he needed to put himself first, tried to tell you politely and you basically forced his hand into stopping interacting with you because of your emotional harassment.

DO NOT TEXT HIM

He wants to be childish and sulk for 5 days, let him! And let him contact you!

If we applied a little role reversal here I think the responses would be quite different

A is struggling with mental health and has asked for some time to sort through their problems.
B refuses to give A space, rings, texts, turns up at their house begging to sort out their relationship first.

I think it's easy to emphasis with B as many many people have been there themselves, but that doesn't mean A is a selfish bellend. There are 2 stories to tell, and we only have the emotive writings of the OP so I wouldn't be so quickly condemn him.

You both sound like immensely hard work to me. You’re clearly not compatible with your relationship styles, his need for space is exacerbating your insecurity and you’re both polarising each other. You need to end this. You’re 22 so the relationship almost certainly only had another year or two max left in it anyway. Just don’t bother contacting him again and if he does message you I’d tell him you’re finished. He’s not likely to be that bothered though by the sounds of it.

I don't think you're compatible either sorry. I've been in a relationship like this before and it's exhausting. He sounds like an ex, depressed but doesn't want help. Until someone wants help, you can drive yourself mad trying to accommodate them. In the end I gave up, it wasn't working and he didn't want the help being offered, so I left. You can't help someone who doesn't want it sadly.

It's sounds to me that you call the shots in the relationship. You want to talk so you you bombard him with texts and calls then drive around to his place when he doesn’t respond in the way you want him to.

It does sound like he may be depressed and if that’s the case and you want the relationship to continue you are going to have to give him the space he wants to work through his feelings. If he is depressed his emotions will feel enormous and you going on about a holiday will seem completely trivial.

Exactly what SharronNeedles said. If the situation was reversed, the responses would be different.

He sounds depressed and he's asked for space because he knows he's not in a good place at the moment and you won't give it to him and you're making it all about you. Give him a breather and I bet it all works out.

I agree that your reaction was not conducive to resolving this situation. But neither do I think his was either.

I imagine you panicked because you could envision another long period of being ignored, which made you desperate to resolve the situation. But this never works with an introverted passive aggressive character like his. In his own way, he's just as desperate as you are.

Without knowing you both, it's not possible to say whether this is a reason to end the relationship. But I would highly recommend that you look at other ways of trying to resolve conflict with him in the future.

You can't change his behaviour, but you can change your own. IF you are comfortable to do so. If you feel like the compromise is too great, walk away.

I don't think he's depressed, I think he wants out and is too much of a coward to do it so instead he treats you like utter crap, the more you chase, the more he snubs you.

Being depressed does not give anyone a licence to treat others with contempt. He's been rude and ignorant for too long to give it the Depressed banner, if even if he was, why is he doing exactly FA about it, has he ever apologised for his nasty behaviour, does he not worry he may lose you with his attitude, nah, didn't think so.

Stop putting him before you, you come first, always, love yourself.

He's unhappy. It's not your fault. He's got to change his situation and he knows this. How he goes about doing this is on him, not you.
You are not his keeper or decision maker. That's on him to pull his finger out, not you.
He lives at home, has a shitty job, and is unhappy. He's just got to get it together and up his game. Get more training. Start uni if he didn't go before. Whatever. He's got to set his goals and make shit happen. So, stand back and give him thinking space. Meanwhile, keep on living your life and building on your own ambitions.

I'd put the holiday on the back-burner. He can't afford it and is too ashamed to tell you. Why don't you go on holiday with some friends or your mum or sister (if you have one)?

I think he's unhappy and frustrated and maybe a bit depressed, it sounds like he feels you are putting pressure on him and not very supportive. Perhaps he feels he isn't 'up for' all that being in a serious relationship entails.

I would definitely not be contacting him until he contacted me first.

While you are having a break from each other, ask yourself seriously if you think he is the one for you. It doesn't sound he offers very much, he sounds like hard work and I wonder if he's worth it.

Thanks for the advice everybody, and I'll take it all on board. Maybe I am coming across emotionally abusive, which is not what I intend, I don't purposely use my emotional side to hurt him, I've just always been an emotional and sensitive person.
We both have handled this badly and sadly we have two completely different ways of dealing with conflict.
But he did text me last night and we spoke a bit, he said he misses me and we're going through a rough patch.
I'm going to spend the next few days thinking and working on improving myself, and hopefully we can both learn to deal with conflict better

I don't think you come across as emotionally abusive. I think you come across as someone who's put up with really shit treatment for far too long and this time around you've realised you don't actually have to take it, your self respect has kicked off big time and you realise that when push comes to shove he doesn't really give a shit. You'll have avoided behaving this way in the past because deep down you will have known that he was playing games with you and you didn't want it to be so obvious.

He needs to deal with his problems and stop treating you so shittily or fuck the fuck off.

And just so you know, in plenty of relationships out there there are partners who would never in a million years stop contacting their partner for a whole week just because they feel bad because they realise that expecting a partner to just put up with silence for that long is incredibly arrogant.

The clue here OP is first long term boyfriend, I was you once, wanted to please with a person who didn’t put me first, I married him and it didn’t end well. The lady who said to say ‘I’m bored of your tantrums’ was bang on correct, go off and do your own thing and find your inner strength that can articulate when he is pissing you off and back away

Maybe I am coming across emotionally abusive, which is not what I intend, I don't purposely use my emotional side to hurt him, I've just always been an emotional and sensitive person.

You do know that abusive behavior, particularly emotional abuse, is rarely intentional, don't you?

Everyone is emotional and sensitive. Literally everyone. You desperately need to grow up, I mean that kindly and I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you really do.

Your feelings are not his problem.
His feelings are not your problem.
A person who is not yet able to cope with their own emotions and sensitivities is NOT ready to be in a relationship - they are actually bound to become abusive because they don't have the coping skills they need to be sane when they deal with this other person, who can't be controlled.

You are behaving in a controlling obsessive way by turning up at his house etc.

Saying that you're doing it because you're emotional and sensitive... darling... the only way to get a handle on your emotions is if YOU take control of them. Trying to force him to act in a way that soothes your emotions IS abusive.

Please listen to the good advice here... I remember those feelings in an early relationship. Although I cringe and am embarrassed now, I can't regret it as it has taught me what to expect from a relationship and how I should behave. You don't ever have to beg or talk someone round to be with you.