Did I overreact during this argument? Perspectives please?

[AnnaStudy]

Hi,
My boyfriend is 26, I'm 22, been together 2 and a half years and we've argued (kind of) the past few days. We havent argued in a while before this.
Anyway, he's stressed because he doesn't know what he wants in his life, and isn't sure whether he wants to move away, he's not happy with his low paying job and it's getting him down and stressed that he still lives at home with his mum and dad. I don't mind this, I love him either way and it's realistic that we couldn't afford a house right now. I'm starting my nursing degree in September.
Anyways, we were planning on going on holiday and this was something I was looking forward to after completing my studies. Anyways, I text him 2 days ago about the holiday and ideas about where to go at 12pm (we wanted to book it by the end of this week about and we've both been so excited), he didn't reply. So at 8pm, I text him asking if everything was okay and he just said "yeah" so I said "what you been doing? Xxx" (I don't need to know where he is 24/7 but he hasn't ignored me like that in so long) and he said "sorting stuff out" so I said "oh okay! Nearly finished my work!" And he said "cool", so I rung him and asked if everything was okay, and he was really annoyed and he said not to ask him again because he's stressed. So I said "what's wrong?" He snapped and said "it's none of my business" so I told him not to speak to me like that but signal was bad so we had to hang up.
Anyway I sent him a text the next day saying "have a lovely day! Shall I pop round later?" And he said "yeah sure!"
I text about 6 asking what times best and he said he's tired but it's up to me. And he picked me up 20 minutes later.
When I got to his house, he didn't seem his usual lovey self. He was just on his phone with his back to me. So after a while I piped up and said how rubbish it's making me feel. That I feel rubbish with how he spoke to me last night and now he's got his back to me. This resulted in a tit for tat argument. He said I was up myself and that I can't handle that he didn't text me back quick enough and that he's tired and got a lot going on. So I said how I'm getting tired of his moods and I don't know what to say to him anymore, and I'm getting tired of him ignoring me everytime there's confrontation. I always get teary whenever we argue, it's the way my body deals with stress (I really hate it), and he started saying how I started this so why am I crying.
Anyway we made up, hugged and went to sleep. The next day, we were okay but then I said "shall we look at holidays then??" And he said "I dont feel like going on holiday, I dont feel happy enough to go", I once again started getting teary saying how Im scared his mood is going to get away in our relationship. He said that he can't believe I'm thinking about myself and this holiday and that I'm crying because I can't go on holiday. He also said he feels he cant tell me anything without me getting defensive. I said that I'm obviously going to be disappointed when we've been planning this holiday for ages and I've been looking forward to it. I was crying again so I got up and said I'm going home for a couple of hours because his moods are getting me down and I need to cool off but I'll be fine in and couple of hours.
He said maybe we should go a week without seeing each other. (He does this a lot whenever we argue he gives me the silent treatment for about 5 days). He said he needs to sort himself out and I can focus on my studies.
I'm more of a let's sort it out asap person,so I said a week is a bit much. But he was persistent.
Anyways, I was sat at home and I didnt like how we left things. So I rung him and said it's making me uncomfortable that we have and time set before we can see each other. He said it's for the best and I said everything is always on your terms. Whenever we argue, it's always you who decides when we can and can't see each other. And he said that's not true. And we hung up.
I then acted a bit psychotic (I admit) and thought "he always leaves me lingering, I'm just going to drive to his and sort it" so I did. I text saying "I'm outside, are you in?". No response so I went home and asked him to call me. Which he did, and I told him how sad this was all making me, how him being bored of life since January is getting me down and Im just really sad.
He said to just calm down. I asked if I could just come down to his to talk for an hour and he said no because he wanted to do stuff. I was crying so much (I look back and cringe), and so I said "how can you say no when I always drive straight to yours whenever you say your upset and need to talk to me", and he said "that's different because this thing your worrying about now isn't a big deal. You've made this situation about me and you so you can sit and think about how you caused this. Not me. I wasn't in a mood with you but you've turned this into a big thing". And then he said something like "I need to start thinking about myself but we can see each other next week and have a nice day together". I said okay.

I sent him a text at 11pm just saying sorry and that I hope he has a good day tomorrow and that I love him.
He hasn't got back to me and it's now 6pm :( I haven't text anymore or tried to ring him. I feel calmer now since I think yesterday I was just panicked since he's done it so much before that it makes me anxious when we argue. And I know he won't text me for about 4 days now because he's done it before :(
I'm scared I've put him off with how needy I was but I was just worried and this is our first argument in ages so it's not as if it's regular :(
We were just so happy last week and saw each other practically every day and he was practically begging me to come round. Now he can't even be bothered to get in touch with me

I’m a bit suprised at the responses on this one. Yes he’s behaved like a twat, but honestly OP I think you have come across quite suffocating.

-constantly texting, and then ringing when he has said he had stuff to sort out and wasn’t engaging in conversation
-crying because he decided a holiday wasn’t the best idea
-he asked you for space, you refused to give him this
-you drove to his house knowing he wanted space
-you say he is depressed but you’re making it all about you, how his feeling shit is making you feel. You are guilt tripping him by throwing his own depression back into his face.

I’m sorry but if you were a man, you would be a walking red flag, emotionally abusive, and I’m pretty sure MN would throw in ‘a narcissist’.

It doesn’t sound healthy either way, the way either of you are acting. You need to try and give him space, for your own sake.

If a holiday is important to you, but not to him, plan something for yourself and a friend, so you can take a breather from everything.
You have different ways of dealing with conflict, you need immediate closure but you won’t get it by constantly going back there. Let him stew.

I get it OP, I really do as I also feel that sense of panic welling up and suffocating me if I think someone is upset/rejecting me. So yes there has been behaviour that with the passage of time I look back and totally cringe about. But the reality is the passive aggressive ones thrive on this reaction, they like to know that you are that desperate for their attention or affection and it is very unhealthy way for you to live.

There are three possible answers here

1. Yes he may be sinking into depression, in which case to support him you need to listen to him and this might mean giving him space - constantly badgering him is going to do neither of you any good
2. he doesn't want to be with you and is acting like an arse to get you to break up with him
3. this is a control move and he is getting off on the reaction

The answer for all 3 is to leave him be, because you are either giving him exactly what he wants (because he is a knob) or if he is genuinely depressed you will just be annoying. And regardless of what he thinks or his motivation, your concern needs to be YOU and your needs - what do you want? Do you want to be left dangling every time he has a bad day? He is being self centred, time for you to be!!

I’d give him the space he wants for just now. But then you need to have a good talk about this. It’s obviously hard for you, and he hasn’t treated you fairly, but I have to say I almost feel claustrophobic just reading about the texting, calling and turning up at the house you’ve done.

He shouldn’t call all the shots and he can’t keep going into these episodes and shutting you out indefinitely.. But it’s certainly doing you no favours to keep pushing right now. You have to decide if this is to be a regular thing, whether you can give him space when he asks.

I’ve probably not explained myself well, but you asked for perspectives, and the mood I’m in today, I would feel smothered if I was him, but I appreciate this isn’t a single situation!

IntoTheFloodAgain
I appreciate your feedback and I can understand why you'd think I come across emotionally abusive. However, this has been a regular occurence with him the past 2 years. I've always let him go as long as he wants without speaking to me which results in me getting sick with anxiety.
I can't do that anymore and for once I thought "why should he always get his own way", and I've adnutted i probably reacted irrationally,but now I'm leaving him be,

My friend's ex was like this. He completely ruined her nights out and resented her achievements and wasn't happy for her to celebrate with us - yet didn't plan anything himself for her. She put all the effort in for him. She took forever to wise up.

Everything was all about him. All the time. They split up but kept getting back together. I have to say the newest one isn't that much better but at least doesn't drag her moods down as much.

If I thought she'd listen then I'd tell her to get someone that makes her happy and is easier to get along with. I think most of us and her family all think she should find someone that treats her better. I wish she wasn't so infatuated by her boyfriends,

Jesus just dump him he’s bloody hard work and to be honest he’s not that into you.

Neither of you sound happy. You don't live together or have kids - I'd cut your losses tbh. It's not worth it.

This is all probably because he isn't really that into you, as someone said, or at the very least you're not a priority and he doesn't always want to make the effort. So he has days where he's egging you on to end it so he doesn't have to "bother" with you any more. This is how some 16 year old boys act, not 26 year old men. It msy very well be as a result of being depressed about his job but that's no excuse.

Aw fuck that i couldn't be arsed with that. Book a holiday to Ibiza with a friend and go have fun living your life. You are only young with no responsibilities,relationships shouldn't be so hard!

SO you have spent the last 2 years with him behaving like a manchild.
Oh I see you today, nah I can't be bothered. You are not a toy to be bought out when he need someone to have sex with play with and put back when HIS needs are met.

Do you really want to waste spend the 5, 10, 20 years with some who doesn't care how or what you feel. If you do stay with him you could be looking back in 20 years wishing you had a career, had children because I can guarantee he will stop you at every turn in getting what you would like.

Stop demeaning yourself by chasing him. I am embarassed for you.

You seriously need to separate.
You don't get what you want from him and he doesn't get what he wants from you. Youre emotional and full on, he's internal and needs space. You need someone who will be outwardly emotive and he needs someone who is more relaxed and less suffocating. Yes he's acting like a dick but I really don't think it's fair to lay the blame entirely at his door.
Why the hell did you go round after he asked for space?? Can you imagine if he did that to you? You drove yourself crazy and i think your mental health is in jeopardy

You really dont sound compatible.

I can identify somewhat with your DP- I am actually in a somewhat similar position, and some days I feel very down about my circumstances. But my DP accepts this and gives me space, and we communicate openly. I would find your reaction suffocating. But I wouldnt respond by being an infantile arse like your DP. You said that you havent argued in a while, but you also said this has happened a few times, and youve been together 2.5 years? So it cant have been that long ago. This part of the relationship should be easy and exciting. If you are already like this without living together or kids, cut your losses.

You seriously need to separate.You don't get what you want from him and he doesn't get what he wants from you. You're emotional and full on, he's internal and needs space. You need someone who will be outwardly emotive and he needs someone who is more relaxed and less suffocating. Yes he's acting like a dick but I really don't think it's fair to lay the blame entirely at his door.

Yes, you're just fundamentally incompatible, OP. And you're 22, and about to embark on a demanding degree -- don't waste any more time on him.

Sadly it looks as though this bloke is getting ready to dump you. But you know what, he may be doing you a favour. Horrible as it is to be dumped you actually learn a lot and you may well be glad that you had a lucky escape.
He has literally got you on a piece of elastic. You can't go through life being at someone's emotional beck and call.
You unfortunately have to either get some backbone and call his bluff or I am afraid the end is nigh for this relationship. So sorry as it will hurt, but you don't die of love. Hugs

2 years of silent treatments and mood swings that have worn you down and made you try and change yourself to not upset him. You deserve much better than this OP.

Decent men don't use silent treatment/mood swings as tactics in disagreements.

I hope you can escape him

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

OP, I was with a man like this. Massive red flags, looking back, but at the time he had lots of reasons to behave that way, put me down, be upset - but I wasn't allowed to be upset.

I was to blame, or I didn't understand, or it was my family's fault. Then it was my fault for having babies, and the baby's fault for keeping him awake all night.

Endless, endless, endless ways to not take responsibility for his own life and happiness.

Honestly, you don't want to get to the stage where being divorced is like every birthday and Christmas.

PS if you do what he says and steer clear, he will find a way to make that your fault. And as a previous poster said, he won't like you doing your degree and succeeding. Sorry :(

OP, I was with a man like this. Massive red flags, looking back, but at the time he had lots of reasons to behave that way, put me down, be upset - but I wasn't allowed to be upset.

I was to blame, or I didn't understand, or it was my family's fault. Then it was my fault for having babies, and the baby's fault for keeping him awake all night.

Endless, endless, endless ways to not take responsibility for his own life and happiness.

Honestly, you don't want to get to the stage where being divorced is like every birthday and Christmas.

PS if you do what he says and steer clear, he will find a way to make that your fault. And as a previous poster said, he won't like you doing your degree and succeeding. Sorry :(

I've got to add that keeping his back to you then acting mad when you bring it up is very controlling. It's a way if making you feel worthless, but also ensuring you'll react. Then when you react, behaving as if you are overreacting and starting an argument.

Oh OP. I’m the same age as your boyfriend and have kind of been in your position

My current DP and I broke up for a year, once. It was his decision. He was depressed and wouldn’t do anything about it. It hurt a lot but trust me, pandering to him will never help.

I knew he was gunna break up with me but I so desperately wanted to keep us together I was the good girlfriend and did anything I possibly could but it still didn’t work. Don’t get me wrong I can’t describe how heartbroken I was when he dumped me- I was ill for weeks etc but at the same time I was strangely relieved that the unknown mood swings wouldn’t be happening anymore. I no longer had to sit in my car outside his house feeling sick as I didn’t know what mood he would be in..

He got help. Tried to amend his mistakes. It took me/is a LONG time to try again and almost 2 years later it’s better than ever but only because he helped himself. It doesn’t matter what you do/don’t do it’ll never be enough.

You deserve so much more. You deserve somebody who checks up on you asking how your day is not ignores you for a week because he’s feeling petty

For both your sakes, go your separate ways.

You've got into a pattern where he throws a strop, you apologise and beg to get back in.
Just decide that ends now.
If he wants to be sad on his own, let him.
You get to choose if you can be bothered embroiling yourself in all again in a week's time (hopefully not). Have fun with your friends this week. Ignore his calls and texts.

don't bother contacting him let him stew in his own juices as the saying goes. He needs to put his big boy pants on grow the f up! life is hard and not everyone knows what they want to do with theirs and the majority of those who work are constantly skint! if he has had enough of that then HE needs to change his life not take it out on you. If it was me I would do as he asked and not contact him but I would also then go out and have fun with my friends and leave him to stew and if he decides he's "in the mood" to see you say sorry I'm busy maybe another night see how he likes being treated like he doesn't matter I'm not surprised you're overly anxious and emotional being on the receiving end of his moods

Your way more invested in the relationship than he is. I cant see a happy ending.