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Original poster

Daughters Graduation - Meal with Ex-Husband?

76 replies

Chloesmum1971 · 15/03/2018 13:15

I have been divorced from my first husband for 15 years and we have 2 children together, aged 20 and 18. I have subsequently married again and have a daughter with him and she is 12 years old.

My husband has always been jealous and insecure of my first husband and he convinced me to have no contact with him apart from texting to make arrangements for our 2 children. I stupidly agreed to this.

My dilemma now is that my eldest daughter is graduating in July this year and obviously wants me and her dad to attend and she has said that she would like us to go on for a meal afterwards to celebrate her graduation, along with a few other family members.

I have told my husband about this and he has hit the roof and said that if I go to the meal with my ex-husband that he will divorce me. He is adamant that this is what he will do. There has been a history of him 'bribing' me to do things his way throughout the relationship and I usually give in but I feel that this is the right thing to do for my daughter.

I would appreciate other people's opinions - am I being unreasonable or am I justified in agreeing to go for my daughter's sake.

OP posts:

listsandbudgets · 15/03/2018 16:13

He's being a moron.

DP has children with his ex wife. I don't LIKE it when he occasionally goes with her to do things with them and admit to having thrown a strop about it a couple of times, but I've never actually stood in his way - just made it clear I don't like it. Those were not important mile stone events though, but things like him going out with them on a family trip out maybe once or twice a year. That was an arrangement he made with his ex and their children and something that I came to recognise actually benefited the children.

That said he went to his DS's graduation dinner with her last year and that time it didn't seem to matter to me - it was hugely important to his DS and that was the end of it.

Go. Enjoy it and if he has any complaint then tough your ds is probably only going to graduate once. I can tell you its not a nice feeling when your partner goes to an event with their ex but I have rationalised it now to "he's going to an event with his child(ren) and their mum will be there too as she should be given the occasion"

Karigan1 · 15/03/2018 16:18

No offence but your new husband is being a cockwomble. Guess it’s up to you to decide if you’re happy living with being dictated to like that just because of its petty closed mind or if you are going to call him on his ultimatum.

I would go personally and he can either accept it or follow through with his threat. Make sure he knows he’s welcome to the dinner too (if he can behave properly) but in this your daughter should come first.

BerkInBag · 15/03/2018 18:57

should have left him long ago) but he eventually received a police caution for abusing me physically (Battery) and has since not done anything like that because he knows he will be prosecuted so I think he uses emotional abuse as a way to control me now.

Emotional abuse and coercive control are also illegal now and can get him prosecuted too. So he's not thought that through has he the fool. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this OP. I hope you can find a way out.

LJdorothy · 15/03/2018 20:29

My daughter graduated two years ago. My ex, his wife, my current partner and me all went out for dinner with my daughter and other family members. It's not something I'd choose to do on a weekly basis but it was what my daughter wanted and it was her big day. My partner coped beautifully because he's a proper grown up, not a insecure man child.

LemonSqueezy0 · 15/03/2018 21:48

I wish my partners Ex- wanted to do things for the sake of their Ds (My DSS) as i think it would mean the world to him but she won't entertain the idea. I'm actually sad thinking about times in the future that DSS will have to choose which parent attends, or where they'll be a horrible atmosphere...

Your current husband is awful and will destroy your life if you stay. Please don't stay.

GoldenWondering · 15/03/2018 23:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SandyY2K · 16/03/2018 01:04

@GoldenWondering

I'm divorced and would never dream of attending DD's graduation, wedding etc as it would be too embarrassing for her.
I'm confused about
why wouldn't you attend your DDs special events? What's embarrassing for her?

SD1978 · 16/03/2018 01:13

Have you and Ex H never aattended any event that she’s been in? School plays, etc or have you always juts sat on opposite sides of the room and not interacted? Your current husband is being an arse. You have had a long term marriage resulting in a child. I can’t understand still being this jelous. I’m surprised she wants a meal with you all if there has never been contact, but I agree that there is no reasin you shouldn’t go. If current husband goes- will he spoil it? It’s easy to say LTB he’s being a controlling arsehole, but obviously it’s your life and nothing is ever simple. Please don’t choose him over your day gutter again though. She’ll always remember it x

pallisers · 16/03/2018 01:16

I'm divorced and would never dream of attending DD's graduation, wedding etc as it would be too embarrassing for her.

You are an embarrassment to your daughter? how did that happen?

SD1978 · 16/03/2018 01:20

I don’t prticularly like my exH (now) but will always be there. As will he, for the important parts. She didn’t choose to be in this situation, and she loves us both. She deserves to feel proud at her achievements, and have both her parents there to share it. I don’t understand why @GoldenWondering you wouldn’t ever go and support your child. That seems strange and more than a little sad.

RosemaryHoight · 16/03/2018 01:54

I would like to meet the man who told me I couldn't go to dd graduation.

Then I'd likely lampoon the bugger.

SadieContrary · 16/03/2018 02:34

You need to go, this is about your DD not your Ex or DH.
My DH has two DS from his first marriage and I attended both graduations where I was very bloody lovely to his ExW- she's an utter bitch and I detest her for what she put him through BUT she is the boys mother so I smiled and made the effort for them.
Your current husband needs to man the fuck up and think of your daughter.

yetmorecrap · 16/03/2018 19:10

What a controlling weird dickhead, say you are going OP and make plans to split.

pudding21 · 16/03/2018 19:25

justoneme You aren't the OPs husband are you? What bizarre postings from you. Very odd.

OP: I don;t mean to scare you but could he know you have posted on Mumsnet?

Tara336 · 16/03/2018 19:33

OP I am in exactly same position as you my DP has an absolute hate of my exh and goes into rants about him. I find it very stressful and can’t tell anyone. The one thing I refuse to do is let it affect my DD she is my world and comes first. I went to her graduation last year with her DF I found it tough but I was there for her and so very proud. Because I stood up to him over this nothing was said other than did I have a nice day.

OldGreyBadger · 16/03/2018 23:15

I am not the biggest fan of my DW's ExH, but we have both (ExH and I) attended his 2 DDs (my DSDs) graduations, because that is what they (DDs/DSDs) wanted. At DSD1's wedding, he walked her down the aisle and I toasted the happy couple - because that's how she wanted it. I think it's called "parenting."

Gemini69 · 16/03/2018 23:18

Tell him that's fine.. Divorce You.. and go enjoy your Daughters wonderful day and have a nice meal with people SHE loves around her

honeyroar · 16/03/2018 23:50

Tell him you're going and if he mentions divorce say yes please, that would be wonderful.

altiara · 17/03/2018 00:37

Of course you should go for your daughter. What’s his position on attending your children’s weddings?
I agree with the others recommending you get out of this abusive relationship and although he threatened divorce to keep you in line, I think he’s just playing games to control you.

Cleavergreene · 17/03/2018 06:47

Go to the dinner OP.

As for your husband. He's doesn’t appear a catch.

bouncydog · 17/03/2018 07:33

Tell him you’re going and it’s not up for further discussion. Then start getting together everything you need to start the divorce process. Write a detailed list of his abusive behaviour and see a lawyer. Take back control. It’s not good for children to see their mother being treated like a doormat. He’s a bully and the only way to sort them out is to stand up to them. Good luck - you can do it.

Jobjobjob · 17/03/2018 07:44

You must go! Your daughter or you would never forgive you if you didn't!

Before you go tell your husband you're divorcing him

@Justoneme - WTF?

tribpot · 17/03/2018 08:01

This has brought back memories of my own graduation, where I had quite a few friends whose parents were not able to put them first, put animosity aside and make sure the graduate got to enjoy their day. I have a large and complicated blended family and they have all, always behaved impeccably in family situations. I had friends who were made to choose between which parent would attend graduation as both refused to be there if the other was, friends who had one parent who cried all the way to the ceremony because the other parent was going to be there - basically all sorts of shit that no parent (or step-parent) should ever be putting their children through.

Bear in mind this will not be the last situation in which you are required to interact in a civil way with the father of one of your children. This has to be a line in the sand. It sounds like ex-Husband 2 is going to be a dickhead and make life difficult at family events in the future, which you can't control, but you need to do your best by all your children, to make sure they can enjoy celebrating their life events with their whole family around them.

YimminiYoudar · 17/03/2018 08:07

Your 2nd husband is a nasty abusive controlling git. The sooner he is out of your life, the better.

Of course you should go to the meal. Your daughter wants to celebrate her graduation with both parents. Any sensible grownup would agree that's a reasonable thing to want.

Frazzled2207 · 17/03/2018 10:58

Wowsers.
I think you need to do what your daughter wants and regardless of this situation divorce the horrible dh.

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