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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughters Graduation - Meal with Ex-Husband?

76 replies

Chloesmum1971 · 15/03/2018 13:15

I have been divorced from my first husband for 15 years and we have 2 children together, aged 20 and 18. I have subsequently married again and have a daughter with him and she is 12 years old.

My husband has always been jealous and insecure of my first husband and he convinced me to have no contact with him apart from texting to make arrangements for our 2 children. I stupidly agreed to this.

My dilemma now is that my eldest daughter is graduating in July this year and obviously wants me and her dad to attend and she has said that she would like us to go on for a meal afterwards to celebrate her graduation, along with a few other family members.

I have told my husband about this and he has hit the roof and said that if I go to the meal with my ex-husband that he will divorce me. He is adamant that this is what he will do. There has been a history of him 'bribing' me to do things his way throughout the relationship and I usually give in but I feel that this is the right thing to do for my daughter.

I would appreciate other people's opinions - am I being unreasonable or am I justified in agreeing to go for my daughter's sake.

OP posts:
Brokenbiscuit · 15/03/2018 13:53

Your current husband sounds really unpleasant, OP. I can't believe he tried to make you cut contact with your own parents. Can you make a plan to get out?

Cricrichan · 15/03/2018 13:53

What a controlling abusive man. Unfortunately I don't think he will leAve you for going but I think you should still leave him.

Original poster
Chloesmum1971 · 15/03/2018 13:54

Justoneme - I didn't come on her to slag off my husband, I have simply laid out the facts. I knew that the right thing to do was to go to my daughter's graduation meal but the way my husband has reacted I started to doubt that I was doing the right thing and wanted opinions from other people from an outsider's perspective.

OP posts:
Justoneme · 15/03/2018 13:55

Well the issue sounds more than just a dinner ... and you can see that and now you have the strength to deal with it? I don't know ... all the issues have built up and it's coming to a head ... you are your own person ... take control.

BuzzKillington · 15/03/2018 13:57

Justoneme she hasn't come on here to slag off her husband. She has come on for advice and her husband's behaviour is relevant.

newnamechange1 · 15/03/2018 13:59

Oh this is not on. And this is coming from an insecure person. Your dh is bang out of order.

I sometimes feel insecure with these types of things but this is only because I know dhs ex still has a thing for him - I wish she would bloody get over it. But never would I ever tell my dh he cannot go to anything to do with his son. Absolutely not. That's his son and no matter how I feel about his mother, I would never get in the way of that.

The same goes here, this is your daughter and such a massive deal for her, she deserves the celebrations which include her whole family. It will be so nice for her to have.

My own parents are divorced and myself my mum and dad haven't done anything together for years. No family celebrations, it's always had to be 2 separate ones. Except last year when I got married. It ment the world to me to have them both there, it made my day. I'm sure your daughter will feel the same sort of feelings at the meal. You have to go.

If anything, use this as a reason to look at your marriage. Your dh being this insecure and controlling is not on. If he divorces you because a mother puts her own child's needs above his then he's not worth being married too.

Good luck.

EdgeOf17 · 15/03/2018 13:59

Justoneme - are you new to MN? This is the relationships board, it is designed for MNers to 'slag off their husbands' particularly if it means that they get support.

Your posts are the ones that are odd IMO

OP - yes LTB. Can you seek support from your parents, they clearly understand his traits having been subjected to his controlling behaviour. And yes, go to the graduation and meal and have a lovely day Smile

yikesanotherbooboo · 15/03/2018 14:00

He sounds awful. He actually wants you to put him before your child? Not only that , but he thinks it is justifiable to bully you to get his own way? Poor you, use this example of his true nature to motivate your escape.

Original poster
Chloesmum1971 · 15/03/2018 14:07

Thank you everybody for your responses.

We were due to go out for a family meal to celebrate his dad's 71st birthday but he has told me he doesn't want me there. He is going with our daughter but I am pretty sure she would have preferred to have stayed at home with me!

So I am going to go round to my friends house to share a bottle of wine and plan where I go from here!

OP posts:
springydaff · 15/03/2018 14:09

Please, take no notice of posters who seen to be posting some weird shit sentiments that are out of kilter with the majority of your respondents.

Read Lundy Bancroft's book []www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-3195003-Daughters-Graduation-Meal-with-Ex-Husband" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 Why Does He Do That]]

springydaff · 15/03/2018 14:10

Oh bum

springydaff · 15/03/2018 14:10

Lundy book

Mxyzptlk · 15/03/2018 14:11

Don't wait for him to divorce you. Dump him now.

If you ask your daughter, I'm guessing she'd say that his unreasonable behaviour has affected her life and she'd like you and your DC to be free of it.

Have a good afternoon.

foodiefil · 15/03/2018 14:12

Would new husband not be included also?

foodiefil · 15/03/2018 14:13

Ahh sorry, just read about the abuse.

Original poster
Chloesmum1971 · 15/03/2018 14:35

I have just ordered the Lundy Book from Amazon, thanks for the link. I will start reading this tomorrow when it comes.

It's weird to realise that although I knew I was being controlled, bullied and coerced into doing what he wants I didn't seem properly aware of it until now. Probably because I have been trying to hide it from others and also myself somehow.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 15/03/2018 15:15

Your current husband is being an arsehole. This has bugger all to do with him. His neediness & controlling nature would be a dealbreaker for me.

You go & have a fab time Flowers

Shoxfordian · 15/03/2018 15:20

Your husband is abusive
Go and if he does leave you then be happy. In fact think very seriously about leaving him.

GeorgeTheHippo · 15/03/2018 15:23

I don't want to comment on your husband, just to say that my kids are 17 and 19. I think it is really important for them that their dad and I are both at things like that. I even invite the fucker round for a drink on their birthdays and at Christmas I draw the line at his 27 year old girlfriend though. We will both attend their graduations and weddings, I'm sure.

Huntinginthedark · 15/03/2018 15:25

Let him leave
He won’t though, he will use it as a stick to beat you with forever more
Univiting you to a dinner, is he your father?
Normal people do not behave like this, they really don’t

I would just let him get on with the divorce. The longer you stay with this man, the more likely you are to lose all of your children

Bujinkhal · 15/03/2018 15:29

Sounds win win, you get to go to the graduation and get rid of him with one act.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/03/2018 15:42

if I go to the meal with my ex-husband that he will divorce me
I'm with Bujinkhal - sounds like a win/win
Why you have put up with his controlling abuse for so long is beyond me.
But you did.
Now it's time to make a stand.
Your DD needs you and it's a massively important day.
Don't you dare miss it because of your tediously jealous 'D'H!!!!

hellsbellsmelons · 15/03/2018 15:45

And as already suggested.
Please contact Womens Aid for help with your exit plan.
He's been violent in the past so he could turn again!
Be prepared!

SandyY2K · 15/03/2018 15:54

Go to the Graduation and the meal. It would be showing your DD she's not a priority if you didn't join in the celebration meal after all her hard work. Congratulations to her btw.

Your husband divorcing you would be a huge bonus and your way to break free from this controlling and abusive marriage.

springydaff · 15/03/2018 15:54

Absolutely what Hells is saying. Go very carefully - you need a plan to keep you and your daughter safe.

Talking of whom, would he insist she live with him if you split? All the more reason to get Women's Aid on side.

Call your local Women's Aid and get the ball rolling.

So glad you've got the Lundy book.

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