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Original poster

Mother being rude or am I over sensitive?

36 replies

Pagan · 03/08/2004 18:03

I've waxed lyrical about how wonderful she is on another thread but every so often she says something that I find really rude/offensive/irritating/incredible (delete as appropriate)

Latest this morning - having a nice phone conversation. My DH is away for the week and I'm joining him on Friday and she says "Oh do you trust him being away by himself?"

I said what a dreadful thing to say, of course I do and then she says that it was a joke but I just find that a bit much and in extreme bad taste.

Other comments made include ...

I'd better make ure I have his shirts ironed or he'll fling me out

He has precedent over car use as "it is his car" (it's the family car)

OP posts:
coppertop · 03/08/2004 18:07

Could it be a generational thing? Sadly it wasn't too many years ago that this was the way a lot of women think and some beliefs/attitudes can be hard to change.

Saying that, I'd be pretty p*ssed off too!

coppertop · 03/08/2004 18:08

"a lot of women THOUGHT"...

Must remember to preview!

Original poster
Pagan · 03/08/2004 18:12

What I find most irritating is that this is my second marriage. We are blissfully happy and expecting second child. She never uttered a single comment on first marriage which had it's obvious faults and finally ended in divorce so why now??? Oh I take that back - she was horrified that I never ironed his shirts and presumable she thinks that's why the marriage broke down. Incidently I do iron all DH2's shirts now anyway as I'm at home all day but she still shouldn't be commenting on it grrrrrr!

OP posts:
MeanBean · 03/08/2004 18:16

Maybe it's because your first marriage ended that she's more attuned to the possibility of marriage breakdown this time round. She'll be very happy you're ironing his shirts though!!

coppertop · 03/08/2004 18:19

Do we have the same mother?? That's just the sort of thing she would say!

"You'll need to be able to iron your husband's shirts." (I was 12!)

"You'll have to learn how to be a good wife." (I was 14!)

MeanBean · 03/08/2004 18:21

Nice to know our mothers had such high aspirations for us. If I ever tell my daughter anything like that, I hope someone shoots me.

Blu · 03/08/2004 18:22

Well, she certainly has the tact and sensitivity of a bull in a china shop, doesn't she?
But tbh I think I'd ignore it as a 'motherism' rather than make a big issue - she may not be able to change, and you'll be stuck with a frosty relationship.

Original poster
Pagan · 03/08/2004 19:02

That's what I figured - it's just her generation. TBH I can let the shirt thing and similar go over my head now but my DH being trustworthy just really **ed me off. An insult to him and me. Not that I'll ever tell him.

OP posts:
Tanzie · 03/08/2004 21:39

My mother once said to my cousin that it was no wonder her husband left her as she didn't iron his shirts! Do we all have the same mother do you think, or is it generational?

I don't iron my DH's shirts BTW!

And I come from a spectacularly bitchy family - my aunt asked my cousin at her wedding last year if her dress was second hand as "it looks a bit grubby dear."

And my uncle told his sister that she couldn't possibly be a member of the family as she was much too ugly (this was at the same wedding).

Original poster
Pagan · 04/08/2004 09:52

Oh Tanzie that's dreadful - but it did make me smile

OP posts:
coppertop · 04/08/2004 10:00

I thought for a moment that my sisters had discovered MN! I know I probably shouldn't, Tanzie, but I did laugh at your post.

MeanBean · 04/08/2004 10:03

Tanzie your family sound great - it means you don't have to waste time watching soap operas!

yingers74 · 04/08/2004 13:37

Just thought I share this tale. I get on quite well with my mother in law but the other day while we were all sitting down for a meal, we started talking about her daughter's lack of men and then she suddenly said to my dh ' I remember your friend ***, why didn't you two ever get together, she was lovely'. Hmmmmmmmmmmm

My own mother has said the following:

'If you don't cook more, he will leave you'
'You need to do more with your hair otherwise your husband will no longer love you'

I do think it is a generational thing, as she honestly believes she is being helpful.

marialuisa · 04/08/2004 14:32

Reminds me of the Burt Baccharach song, something about "wives will always be lovers too" and then in an iritatingly jaunty tones advises you to comb your hair and fix your make-up because if you don't soemone else will catch him....

On a bad day I look at DH and think "but who?"

Easy · 04/08/2004 15:12

Aha-

I'm still smarting over my mother's comment when I told her that dh would have to look for contract work and might have to work away Mon-Fri.

"You don't want that love, he'll go astray".

Thanks mum for your faith in my marriage

Chinchilla · 04/08/2004 20:34

My dad once said that dh and I (pre-marriage) weren't a good couple because I didn't iron his shirts! It MUST be a generation thing. Anyway, dh is so twitchy about how his shorts are ironed that I would never DARE go near them!

californiagirl · 04/08/2004 22:20

Ah the consternation in DH's family when his father pointed out that DH was very particular about ho his eggs were cooked in the morning (possibly because he doesn't really like eggs for breakfast anyway, but that's another story) and I said sweetly "No problem, he can cook them any way he likes them".

Tommy · 04/08/2004 22:28

Definitely a generation thing i think! My DH and his dad were doing the garden and have laid new turf over the hole where the washing spinning thing used to go. MIL says "Will [Tommy] have anywhere to put her washing line now?" Oh, is it MY washing line? Thank you very much - I was sure we'd bought it together and, indeed, put all four people that live in this house's clothes on it! I think you sort of have to smile in that teeth clenching sort of way and not say anything.

Ghosty · 04/08/2004 22:36

LOL @ these ...
My mum (truly a fantastic mum) has come out with some corkers ...
She thinks that my DH is a saint because he
a) can cook
b) does household things like washing and ironing
c) baths the children and is able to put them to bed

When I had DS I had PND and I remember crying on the phone to my mum for 1/2 an hour about how bad I was feeling. When I stopped, to hear some pearls of wisdom all she said was, "Poor [Mr Ghosty] ... Fancy having to put up with all of that when he comes home from work?"

She used to ring me up at 5 o'clock when DS was baby to tell me to put make up on before DH came home from work ...

Metrobaby · 04/08/2004 22:50

I reckon its a generational thing too. Both my mum and my MIL believe a good wife should iron dh's shirts, do all cleaning, and do all cooking too. My mum did all this for my dad, but all during my childhood I remember her moaning about how unfair it was that she had to do all the chores ! And as for mentioning anything about having a career - strictly taboo. When I was toying with the idea of setting up my own business I was told by my Mum not to be so stupid as I was a mother now and that was the only thing I should concentrate on

My mum comes out with some very insenstive things too but as she says "well dear if I don't tell you them, who will?" Arggghhh she drives me bonkers

lou33 · 04/08/2004 22:52

My mum did all that for my dad, but he was still a serial philanderer who buggered off for the final time when I was 7.

I iron stuff as and when i feel like it, not because dh wants me too. And I expect him to be grateful when I do

Tanzie · 05/08/2004 00:18

Coppertop - I think you were my Mumsnet twin on another thread! Yes, my family is like a soap opera! That's one of the reasons I don't live nearby...

The best one from my Mum was AT MY WEDDING RECEPTION. My exDP and I had remained on very good terms and he came to our wedding. Even before we had had the food, when people were milling around and drinking champagne, she came up to me and said "Everyone has been saying how lovely X is, and why didn't you marry him?"

lavender1 · 05/08/2004 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tanzie · 05/08/2004 00:34

Lavender - my mother said the same about satin making you look fat. She also took no interest in the dress (apart from this unhelpful comment)and when I took her to see the one I'd chosen, she said "Well it doesn't really matter what you wear as everyone always says the bride looks lovely regardless of what she wears!"

lavender1 · 05/08/2004 00:38

really Tanzie, btw I was a skinny little thing in those days and just wasn't fat so was a ludicrous thing to say (now weigh 3 stone more than wedding day so unjustified)...have you brought this up Tanzie later in life with your mother and will you be like this with your own children?? guess not!

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