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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fall out with brother, advice please

36 replies

Redparrot1 · 15/03/2018 10:40

So here goes..
I fell out with my brother 3 years ago after finding out that his 14year old daughter was pregnant and I questioned his partner on why she had let this happen (months before she had told me that she had found out her daughter was having sex and not taking the pill properly, she also forgot to tell my brother this at the time) there was a big argument which my brothers partner got physical with me and my brother had told me that I deserved that and that I was now dead to him. I agreed that I didn’t want any more to do with him and since we have gone our sepearate ways.
My mother however is not happy about this at all and has been having a go at me regularly to sort it out with my brother. As I keep telling her, I have no interest with fixing things and that I actually prefer it without my brother in my life as he is drama. I try to not make it awkward for my mother as I don’t slag him off and if I do see him, if he speaks I will speak back.
I’m due to get married next year and my mum is pressurising me to invite him but I do not want him there, again he has drama wherever he goes.
I really don’t know what to do. Personally I prefer him out of my life but I know it upsets my mother

OP posts:

BadTasteFlump · 15/03/2018 11:27

Difficult one. But I suppose the whys and wheres of the fall out are irrelevant. The only thing that matters is, you don't wish to make up with your brother and his family, which is your right and your choice.

Ditto to not wanting him at your wedding.

Not easy, but your mum needs to realise that this is your choice and not hers. Yes she will be disappointed but it doesn't need to affect her relationship with you and your brother, because they should be two separate things anyway.

So in short - don't allow her to push you into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing. And if she has a problem with that, it's her problem to deal with, not yours (putting it bluntly).

twer · 15/03/2018 11:30

"I fell out with my brother 3 years ago after finding out that his 14year old daughter was pregnant and I questioned his partner on why she had let this happen"

YABU. And judgy.

However, of course you're entitled to invite/not invite whoever you want

BadTasteFlump · 15/03/2018 11:36

Yes it does sound a bit judgy but that's irrelevant I think. And the fact that this person then 'got physical' with the OP is completely unacceptable, whatever the OP may have said. I would guess there wasn't much of a relationship there in the first place.

trojanpony · 15/03/2018 11:38

I don’t think it’s too difficult.

You just need to hold your ground with your mum. I personally would not want to risk more drama at your wedding - if she’s desperate for a reconciliation tell her to talk to your brother not you.
I guarantee she isn’t harassing him like this, just you.

Happygolucky009 · 15/03/2018 11:42

I always had a strained relationship with my sibling, I did invite them to my wedding day but honestly it was disappointed at how things turned out because of them 😕😯😢

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2018 11:45

It sounds like the OP's brother doesn't want a relationship with you, either, so why is your mother pressurising you about it? You're both adults, it really isn't anything to do with her. Yes, what you said was judgy but there's never an excuse for violence.

beckymad1x · 15/03/2018 11:57

OP he's your brother, he's family. It was wrong what his partner got physical but they were probably going through a bit of stress at the time finding out their young daughter was pregnant, I know I would be stressed and wouldn't want a family member telling me its wrong.

It's your choice if you don't want him at your wedding, but make sure you make the right decision. At the end of the day, family is family and grudges shouldn't be held as we're not here long enough for that!

Original poster

Redparrot1 · 15/03/2018 11:59

Just to try and explain, months prior to the incident I went and seen the partner by herself, her and my brother were going through another tiff and I kept getting my name mentioned by her so sat her down and told her that I’m not part of any of it and to keep me out of it. I then asked how my nieces and nephew are getting on to which she told me that she had found out that the 14 yo had been given the pill by the school nurse for ‘period cramps’ and thought no more of it until her daughter borrowed her phone to text her boyfriend and forgot to delete the messages, the partner then read them and ‘couldn’t believe how sexually experienced’ (her words not mine) she was and that she knows that she doesn’t take the pill properly. We then chatted about making sure she is on some kind of contraception to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant and she said she was going to take her to the doctors. End of conversation, thought no more of it and believed my brother knew all about this.
He didn’t. He found out that his daughter was sexually active from the school a few weeks before finding out she was pregnant. The partner then decided that she knew nothing about this either and that’s why I believed she had got physical with me.

OP posts:

flippertygibbett · 15/03/2018 11:59

after finding out that his 14year old daughter was pregnant and I questioned his partner on why she had let this happen

This is far as I read.

YABVU, judgey and condescending.

Yes, a 14yr old getting pregnant is not great, but it's none of your business and as for questioning "why they let this happen"

You basically started a row about something that's none of your business and then sulked and went NC with your brother because you didn't like being stood up to.

BadTasteFlump · 15/03/2018 12:00

family is family and grudges shouldn't be held as we're not here long enough for that!

Hmm have to say I completely disagree with that. It's not about grudges, it's about expecting other people - family included - to treat you decently.

Original poster

Redparrot1 · 15/03/2018 12:03

flippertygibbett Maybe u should read a little more..

OP posts:

Itwasntme99 · 15/03/2018 12:05

OP if your brother is anything like mine, he won’t come to your wedding anyway. Mine didn’t,he also didn’t go to our DMs funeral, although he wanted a loan from her estate before the Will was probated. I let the solicitor sort that one out.
My mother hated that we had fallen out, but he did something to his first family that I thought was a bad thing, he was weak and his second wife, due to his weakness led him a dogs life.
Then he died.
So, if you are sure you want absolutely no contact, then fine, just don’t regret it later.

Original poster

Redparrot1 · 15/03/2018 12:08

Lizzie 48 apparently my brother says to my mum that he wants to ‘sort it out’ but has done nothing to actually sort it out. On Sunday, (mothers day) both me and my brother was at my mothers house, I was there first in the front room and he walked in and went straight to the kitchen and stayed there the whole time. I then had to go in the kitchen to get the car seat, neither of us spoke. My brother then decided to leave and my mother has a go at me about it all, it’s really starting to get to the point where it’s damaging mine and my mums relationship because she is like a dog with a bone about this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Redparrot1 · 15/03/2018 12:12

Itwasntme99 unfortunately my brother is the type to go to it just to annoy me. My father died recently although he wasn’t my brothers father he had raised him since he was young, they had fallen out (again the partner had a part in that too,) many years before and my brother never bothered seeing my father in hospital for the 8 weeks that he was there nor did he reach out to me or my sister when my mother told him about his death, still attended the funeral tho and used it as a social event

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 15/03/2018 12:18

I'd say nope.... to all requests from your Mother and Brother...

LexieLulu · 15/03/2018 12:39

Just say no. Your wedding, your guests, your day

Cricrichan · 15/03/2018 12:47

None of your bloody business op!! It's their daughter and they will have to support her in their way. How dare you have a go? Didn't you think their emotions would be running high as it was? What would having a go have achieved?

You are way out of line op.

Clutterbugsmum · 15/03/2018 12:47

it’s really starting to get to the point where it’s damaging mine and my mums relationship because she is like a dog with a bone about this. Perhaps it's time to tell your mum that.

That if she continues to harass you re your brother and his wife about their behaviour towards then you will have to think about reducing the time you spend with her.

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2018 12:50

One thing I have learned from Mumsnet, 'no' is a complete sentence. It's your special day, so you don't need the stress.

I really discovered that saying no to my DM was easier than I thought it would be. Because I'm an adult and she can no longer tell me what to do unless I let her.

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2018 12:52

That was a long time ago, @Cricrichan whether the OP was out of order or not has no relevance to this thread.

expatinspain · 15/03/2018 12:56

I think you were completely out of order in what you said. You sound awful and judgy and completely non repentant for sticking your nose in a situation that was none of your business. I'm sure they were having enough problems getting their heads around their 14 year old daughter being pregnant without you coming and finger wagging at them. You caused this issue and your brother's reaction wasn't good at all, but the whole situation was of your making.

Original poster

Redparrot1 · 15/03/2018 12:58

Expatinspain so what do I do now?

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2018 13:02

FWIW I do agree that the OP was out of order back then, but her DB's DP reacted by attacking her, which is never justified. The OP has said that they fell out with her DF as well. It's just not relevant to this thread. It's happened. It sounds like the DB doesn't want to make up with her, so their mother needs to back off.

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2018 13:03

OP, maybe a letter of apology would help to put this right? At least you'll know that you've done what you can, then it will be up to your brother how he responds.

Cricrichan · 15/03/2018 13:06

I'd also apologise and see what response you get and take it from there.

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