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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't want my boyfriend going out

44 replies

whyohwhy111 · 14/03/2018 21:41

I find it hard to fully trust my boyfriend after he's done a few things to make me doubt him and I have a bad past with being cheated on and lied to that it's made it harder. As far as I'm aware he hasn't ever cheated but he has lied for no real good reason and done things he said he'd never do.

He just got a text from a friend saying another of their friends is visiting and whether he wants to join and then go out. We have this agreement that to make things work he needs to build trust. I'm really trying so much but he doesn't appreciate the little steps I take.

I obviously don't have an issue with him seeing his friends. My issue is going out. I asked whether he could go out and get the last train home (midnight) from London to where we live. We've done this loads. It still means he'd see his friends and I would feel less anxious if he comes home to me. He said no to this and it's just thrown me into an anxiety panic.

Any advice please? I can't stop this feeling.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 14/03/2018 21:43

I think you wither trust each other or there is no relationship..

RLOU88 · 14/03/2018 21:46

Get some help, OP please. Help in real life to deal with your past issues and I honestly this relationship should take a back seat whilst you do that. You can’t live like this and your boyfriend shouldn’t be expected to either x

RLOU88 · 14/03/2018 21:46

Also how old are you if you don’t mind me asking x

gamerchick · 14/03/2018 21:47

I don’t understand why he needs to build trust, when did he break that trust?

Thing is, if you insist on punishing him for your past I would expect him to lie to you occasionally just to avoid the earache. You can’t put him In a cage.

He’ll end up leaving you if you don’t sort your head out and then what?

Fettuccinecarbonara · 14/03/2018 21:47

He might as well cheat if he’s going to be treated as a cheat irrespective.

I think it’s healthy in a relationship for there to be seperate interests and time apart.

However - why exactly can’t he come home? His complete disregard of you (despite your jealousy) doesn’t help.

It really doesn’t sound as if you two are compatible from this post.

TheNaze73 · 14/03/2018 21:49

I think you’ll end up driving him away if you micro manage him

pigeondujour · 14/03/2018 21:50

It's not complete disregard to want to stay out on a night out. And frankly OP you deserve to be disregarded if it was.

Original poster

whyohwhy111 · 14/03/2018 22:02

OK - so to explain, yes I have past issues. However that's not just why I don't trust him. He lied to me before I ever let those past issues affect him, pretending he was at home when he was out but I wouldn't have cared at all - this was when I trusted him. He also did drugs at a wedding and I only found out when his nose started bleeding (I have zero tolerance for it and he'd lose his career if it was ever found out - serious consequences)

Also the lack of trust is propelled because I trusted that my ex only cheated on me once and I'd made peace with it but he said to me "for a smart person you're stupid if you think he only cheated once".

My trust issues aren't even about him necessarily cheating. I don't even know what my issue with it is, just that it makes me really anxious. For example, stag dos really don't bother me in the slightest and I'd never comment on them.

I want to trust him and not care about what he gets up to. I'm seeing a therapist, I take all the medication but when we attempt to discuss how I feel he uses it as a weapon. I.e. calling me crazy, saying I'm on crazy pills etc

OP posts:

windchimesabotage · 14/03/2018 22:04

If you cant trust him and your behaviour is suffering because of that then you need to leave him and work on your issues yourself.

You cannot control people on this level for your own piece of mind. It is abusive to try and exert that level of control over someone.
It doesnt matter that he lied or whatever he did, it does not give you the right to treat someone that way. It will not help you and it will not help your relationship.

I dont mean to sound harsh but this is not a realistic thing to expect from someone. You cant expect people to arrange their entire social life to shield you from any anxiety. If there was a legitimate reason why he needed to be back for a certain time then it would be different, but just because its what YOU want him to do, is actually very controlling. Its just not the road to a healthy relationship and its very unlikely to help you build trust.

I have no idea whether your boyfriend is a decent person or not or whether hed cheat on you or not, but that is all pretty irrelevant in terms of your behaviour. You cant prevent someone from cheating by exterting control over them.

Its hard when youve been treated badly by men to understand what healthy boundaries are and I understand the desire to have someone listen to you and do what you say. But healthy boundaries are a different thing to exerting complete control. What you are doing is not creating a healthy boundary its trying to dictate someones social life to them.

spicerack · 14/03/2018 22:05

he says like a bit of a knob

windchimesabotage · 14/03/2018 22:07

sorry cross post.
It doesnt sound like he is very nice to you, calling you 'crazy' etc
You arent going to solve that by controlling him however.
Hes either a dick or he isnt. You knowing exactly where he is at all times will not make him any less of a dick if he is one.
If you genuinely think he is disrespectful and a liar then if I were you id just leave him.

SandyY2K · 14/03/2018 22:08

He did drugs
He lied early on
He calls you crazy...mocking your anxiety

Why are you still even with him? The drugs would have been when I called time on the relationship.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 14/03/2018 22:09

He sounds out of order with saying crazy pills. However you sound suffocating op, sorry. I don't think it's fair for you to call the shots like that.

clumsyduck · 14/03/2018 22:11

I felt like this in my first relationship . The problem ( other than the fact I was 18 and immature ) was that my ex was a cheat and I didn't trust him the problem was not that he went out .

pigeondujour · 14/03/2018 22:17

He sounds like a div but you're still being massively controlling and it's out of order.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/03/2018 22:21

I was driven mad by someone and know exactly how you feel. I think you'd be better off without him. You are expected to trust someone who's lied to you and has proven he's not trustworthy. This has happened again and again. Now he's demanding you trust him - why the hell should you?

It's such a relief when you're not living with someone who's fucking with your mind.

Original poster

whyohwhy111 · 14/03/2018 22:34

Thank you for your posts. I know it's controlling and in my mind I guess it's justified so it's good to be told the hard cold truth. I suppose my thought process is that I'd never do something that makes my OH feel uncomfortable - I'd never have an issue with coming home on the last train in the slightest I guess because it's the norm in my area and it's practical.

Unfortunately we own a house together. So everything isn't as easy as that. He isn't very nice to me but I don't know if that's because of my anxiety and resulting behaviour or his true personality.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 14/03/2018 22:40

You said earlier you had zero tolerance on drugs, but obviously you don’t as you’re still with him

However, you can’t put limitations on him like this, and you’ll drive him away if you continue

sunandfire · 14/03/2018 22:51

Hi, OP. You sound like you have something called an 'insecure: anxious attachment' style. I literally wrote a post about this earlier today, which is also in the 'Relationships' topic. I also experience these feelings, so I can totally relate to the way you feel - I completely understand the anxiety. I think this tendency stems from a combination of bad past relationships (as you've mentioned) and childhood experiences - both resulting in low self-esteem, negative core beliefs about oneself, a fear of abandonment and so forth. What you need to understand is that you are suffering from a form of anxiety (relationship anxiety, specifically), which needs to be dealt with (whether through talking therapy, self help or so forth).
It's also a matter of compatibility. The partners I've been with with have tended to be people who are quite private, rational-
minded and aren't very verbally expressive about feelings. This doesn't help my anxious attachment/relationship anxiety, as their private nature leads to me feeling suspicious/as though they're hiding things, their rational mind means that they find it hard to understand my irrational outbursts of emotion, and the fact that they're not as naturally expressive as I am means that they're not really willing to listen to me talk about me feelings or verbally reassure me that my beliefs are false. These are just a few examples of how a lack of compatibility can make the situation worse. On top of all that, you could just be dating someone who is an asshole and doesn't value you (this is something that would have to be recognised and dealt with immediately).

Point is, this is an issue of mental health and should be treated by others as such (with sensitivity, understanding and patience).

Please visit my post on relationship anxiety to understand a bit more about how it manifests. You'll probably find some comfort in knowing that others have similar feelings to you.

sunandfire · 14/03/2018 22:58

Sorry, just read some of the comments you left underneath the post - you're definitely dealing with someone who doesn't seem to value or respect you. Sounds like a toxic relationship. It's tempting to advise you to just 'leave him', but I know that relationships are a whole lot more complex than that. Since you own a home with him, I'd say if not leave him, work on building some kind of emotional independence from him. Work on your self-esteem and your life outside of him/the relationship - that's a start! You have to make the decision in your mind as to whether or not you want to try to 'make things work' with him, though. The advice I've given assumes that you'll be coming to the conclusion that you'd like to emotionally move on from him in some way.

Jellyheadbang · 14/03/2018 23:08

STag dos are still going out though...
Dump him. You’re incompatible.

PrizeOik · 14/03/2018 23:17

Your problem isn't that you're controlling or he wants to go out etc.

It's that you say yourself he's not very nice to you.

You need to make plans to leave. You're flogging a dead horse and it helps no one.

How can we help you get out of this relationship?

BonnieF · 14/03/2018 23:28

Hi OP,

If I were you, I would not tolerate some of the things he is saying to you.

If I were him, I would not tolerate the level of controlling behaviour that you are subjecting him to.

It sounds to me like neither of you are happy in this relationship so perhaps you should go your separate ways while you sort out your issues. Then you can find someone nicer, who you don’t feel the need to try to control.

knickerelastic · 14/03/2018 23:31

Blokes that go out drinking a lot aren't just out for a beer, they are hunting sexual opportunities.

knickerelastic · 14/03/2018 23:33

You're not being controlling, you're unhappy that he is out looking for a new woman out all the time & that's normal.

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