Anyone suffer from 'relationship anxiety'? Just need a chat.

[sunandfire]

By 'relationship anxiety' I mean a general preoccupation with your partner when in a romantic relationship, based around fears that you're not good enough, you'll be cheated on/abandoned, he'll/she'll go off you if they haven't already and so forth. Generally paying attention to minor details as indicators or confirmations of your fears, such as subtle changes in your partner's behaviour signalling that they're going off you. Experiencing frequent and intense bouts of jealousy, low self-esteem, suspicion and so forth. This is actually known as 'anxious attachment' (a psychoanalytic concept) and I suffer from it quite badly when in a romantic relationship with someone I love. 30 weeks pregnant and currently experiencing this in my relationship with my baby's dad, and it's causing me to 'act up' (on top of the hormones).

Hi, I totally get what you’re talking about. I found that simply reading up on attachment styles really helped me analyse my feelings and get a better perspective. It helped me to tell myself that it was just a thought and not my reality. I was then able to minimise the feelings until they were much more manageable.

Try reading Insecure in Love, available on Amazon,

@Adventuritis oh, my god - I'm actually reading (well, listening to) that book as an audiobook, right now! I started it just the other day and I really, really hope it helps! It's been good so far!

No I feel the same when dating anyone. I learnt that I'm co depdenant from my childhood years. Maybe read women who love too much. It was a good read for me

I don't feel like that but then I think I'm quite an avoidant attachment style

I agree the reading will help and maybe some therapy to help you recognise these thoughts

@Peachyfizz thank you - I'll add that one to my list!

@Shoxfordian ah, 'anxious: avoidant attachment' is the opposite, where you're emotionally independent, and are made anxious by a partner expecting you to meet their emotional needs, express your feelings or/and require things like attention and affection from you.

Yeah I'm the opposite
A man double texting me when we're dating makes me think he's a stalker....! I am affectionate but I have to really trust someone to be like that with them; I don't like to make myself vulnerable.

My partner has anxious attachment style.

@Shoxfordian when I'm in the 'getting to know you' stage (so, before I've developed actual 'feelings' for the person), I have almost 0 anxiety/attachment and I'm actually quite easily cringed (if anything) by the behaviour you describe. But if/when we reach 'relationship' status and I have active feelings/love for the person, that puts me at risk of developing anxious attachment.

I’ve had this in most relationships. In the whole I was making bad partner choices which just enhanced the anxiety. I had a very unstable childhood and I’m sure this has an effect on my relationship choices and anxiety.

@niceupthedance would you say you have a healthy/'secure' attachment style? And what affect does your partner's anxious attachment style have on you? Just trying to see things from my partner's perspective.

Whenever something triggers an intense bout of anxiety (or anxious attachment) in our relationship, I have an emotional outburst and desperately seek reassurance. I recluse for a few days, hoping he'll eventually reassure me but it's reached a point where he doesn't anymore. He doesn't make much of an effort to explain exactly how my beliefs are untrue and not the case. It's almost as if he just waits for me to 'snap out of it' so that we can continue as normal, but in the period of time that I'm waiting for him to reassure me I endure a lot of emotional pain (like right now). And him not reassuring me feels like he's actually confirming my beliefs. Was hoping you could offer me some perspective, here? I understand that he's probably just fed up. Thank you!

@Jellyheadbang did you find that you were choosing partners who were avoidant, or emotionally abusive in some way?

It really something you need to work on yourself but also together as a couple. You know (hopefully) that your feelings are irrational but a little understanding and reassurance goes a long way. Maybe even dealing with it using humour?? Depending on your personalities, like a, “ here I go again!” Duh! Kind of conversation....

sunandfire yes to both of those plus often with addiction of one kind or another. Some of them were really hard to spot but having done my research I realise that there were early red flags with all of them , I just chose to excuse them or pretend they weren’t there or hope they would change...

OP: you sound very insightful. i think you will work this out all on your own with a patient partner. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

I never even get as far as having a partner as nobody i like enough to commit to likes me enough to commit to me. My whole life. No overlap. I do occassionally like people who usually l8ke me too but only up to a point or as a friend.
I give up now.

Ps and my way of dealing with it was to have a mcrelationship with a man i was only trying to talk myself in to caring about. That can be easier than just waiting to be dumped.

@sunandfire
Do you know what triggers you? This might help in controlling your reactions better so you realise whatever it is isn't a sign of abandonment
Your partner doesn't sound v sympathetic. Is he an avoidant attachment like me?

OP this describes me to a "T" ... I just thought I was Fuck wit that was crap at relationships. Never realised there was a name for it. I'm in a relationship but I find it really hard if I'm honest and constantly worry about something and often almost talk myself into ending it as it's too much of a headfuck

Sunandfire: we also have the emotional outbursts, rows or seeking reassurance. Like your partner I find offering reassurance doesn't seem to help and so it feels like a pointless exercise, in the end it does have to blow itself out in my experience.

Because we have spoken about why he feels this way I can understand what is behind it, however we went through a stressful year last year and it was hard. We have been going to joint therapy for two months and dp has paid more attention to what helps him feel better about himself; exercise, eating well and seeing friends and not getting bogged down in introspection. He has tried cbt and counselling for 8 months which helped too.

There are usually triggers, if I'm preoccupied with work, or I'm ill and he feels like he's doing more work in the house or im not able to give him so much attention. But he is a lovely, funny, kind, intelligent and talented man and I know we are going to have a happy life together. It just needs a bit more focus than other relationships I guess.

Interesting thread, thanks.

I'm suffering really badly with this right now. I've been in an on off relationship for the past year and we have broken up twice due to me being so insecure and reading too much into things and not being able to let little things go to the point where they take over my head. This is one of the reasons I came on here today to get a bit of advice. Its a very long story though so no sure if I should start a new thread.

I’ve found my people! Sunanfire you describe me to a T - I’m currently in a v rough patch with dp because he’s also the same but I think being male he’s added the avoidant bit in too.
We have A really rubbish few weeks due to an illness he found out about by being admitted to hospital on our European holiday- we ve returned and since then it’s been a barrage of hospitals tests etc - I digress... it’s basically caused a shit load of stress that’s now got to me sent me in a toss seeking my own reassurance and caused massive row- where he then went an looked at places to live elsewhere .

I’m now home this week very poorly so watching this thread with interest and googling to find a solution

@Adventuritis it's really strange because, despite being able to stand back and know that my emotions were irrational AFER the outburst, during the outburst I'm absolutely convinced that my beliefs are facts/reality. I know that I'm LIKELY to be being irrational, but I'd rather not rely on that conclusion until my beliefs have been proven wrong - which is never, these days.

And I agree that partner support (patience, understanding, reassurance) goes a very long way. Think is, I think my behaviour has kind of drained my partner. He used to be very patient and try his best to understand and reassure me, but now it seems he's just grown fed up. Rather than reassure me, he becomes distant and aloof and I'm left to deal with the crippling emotions on my own. I think he's figured out that if enough time has past of him being distant and aloof, I'll eventually be forced to drop the outburst and come back to him afresh (because his absence drives me crazy). What this means is that I'm never able to truly release the beliefs, so they tend to linger even after the event because I wasn't given the verbal reassurance to prove them wrong. Eventually, this builds up as low self-esteem and low trust, too, because I'm clinging onto all these beliefs about myself/my partner/our relationship that haven't been challenged.

I think I need to talk to him about his tendency to become distant and aloof in reaction to my outbursts, because it doesn't help the situation on my part (or his, in the long run) if he's not meeting me in the middle.

@Shoxfordian lots of things trigger it! A lot of the time it's jealousy-related, if I suspect that he's attracted to a woman we both know (which is what triggered this recent outburst, although it felt a little beyond just physical attraction - more like a crush), if I see him glancing at an attractive woman on the street, or if I notice that he's watched some kind of porn where the women look nothing like me and/or have a completely different body shape to mine (I've been really insecure about my body lately. His friends are always ranting about/sending each other pictures of 'thick' women with big bums, and I'm really quite slim and petite - 'thick' seems to be 'in' right now, for people of my generation). I'm also 'triggered' my any changed behaviour from him, such as if he suddenly starts spending less time with me or seems less enthusiastic about spending time with me, if he doesn't appear to be as interested in what I have to say (indicating that he doesn't find me as 'intriguing' as he once did and has lost interest in my 'mind'), if he isn't as eager to please me as he once way (he used to go out of way to do little things for me just to make my day), and lots, lots more.

Thing is, I know that I'm being irrational and that his behaviour doesn't immediately indicate that he's going to abandon me, but at the time it's really, really hard to believe that! It's as if the anxiety/fears/beliefs hijack my mind!