Anyone suffer from 'relationship anxiety'? Just need a chat.

[sunandfire]

By 'relationship anxiety' I mean a general preoccupation with your partner when in a romantic relationship, based around fears that you're not good enough, you'll be cheated on/abandoned, he'll/she'll go off you if they haven't already and so forth. Generally paying attention to minor details as indicators or confirmations of your fears, such as subtle changes in your partner's behaviour signalling that they're going off you. Experiencing frequent and intense bouts of jealousy, low self-esteem, suspicion and so forth. This is actually known as 'anxious attachment' (a psychoanalytic concept) and I suffer from it quite badly when in a romantic relationship with someone I love. 30 weeks pregnant and currently experiencing this in my relationship with my baby's dad, and it's causing me to 'act up' (on top of the hormones).

Hi, thanks for your post on my previous post. This is really insightful. Do you have any links that you found useful in your research?

I'm wondering whether presenting this information to my partner would help.

@Shoxfordian also, I wouldn't say he's avoidant at all (I've been with avoidant people, and he's really quite different), but I'd say he's grown fed up! He seems like he has a severe attachment style to me. He was really attentive and supportive at the start, but I think my behaviour started to drain him and push him away. Funny thing is, before we got together, HE was the anxious one. He was chasing me for years before we got together (even when I was in and out of relationships), and I'd never really pay him that much attention (because I was with other people). However, his anxiety seemed to stem from not knowing when he'd next see/speak to me (his feelings for me were really strong at the time), not low self-esteem and negative core beliefs about one self, like is the case for me.

@pudding21 I may be insightful, but I still need to do the 'self work' involved in managing this, because I'm kind of letting it take over my relationship! 😣

Thank you for your kind wishes!

@niceupthedance thank you for your detailed response. You and your partner seem to have figured out a kind of action plan and that's exactly what I feel I need to do with my partner. You seem very insightful on his anxious attachment, and I think I need to educate my partner on the matter in the same way! I've had CBT a few times but for other anxieties rather than relationship anxiety. There is something called 'attachment therapy' but because it's psychoanalysis-based (rather than CBT, which is what the NHS offer), it's really quite expensive!

Your partner also seems to be putting a lot of effort into challenging his thoughts and controlling his reactions. With me, whilst I KNOW I'm being irrational/I know why I feel the way I do, it's hard to convince me that's the case at the time, DURING the outburst. It's so hard to control my thoughts and emotions at the time of the outburst. I think I'd like to deal with it from the bottom up (dealing with the root cause first), which I feel is negative core beliefs about myself (low self-esteem).

I wish you the best with your relationship. You seem to have quite a strong relationship involving two people who are willing to put in the necessary work to make it work!

Hey, everyone! Sorry I haven't managed to reply to you all individually. Clearly, we're a distressed bunch who really need some help.

I'm going to link some resources below:

It's important to first know a little bit about attachment theory (I learned about it whilst on my degree, as I have a degree in Psychosocial Studies):

www.psychologistworld.com/developmental/attachment-theory

In terms of understanding what attachment styles are and what anxious attachment is:

www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html

internal.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

(very informal video but she explains it really well)

In terms of learning to overcome/manage anxious attachment:

As @Adventuritis pointed out, there's a book (also available as an audiobook on Audible, which is how I'm accessing it) which directly deals with this. It's called 'Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy and Worried and What You Can Do About It'. I'm only a little way in at it's really good so far:

www.amazon.co.uk/Insecure-Love-Anxious-Attachment-Jealous/dp/1608828158

I also believe that a large component of anxious attachment is negative core beliefs about one self (low self-esteem) - a sense of low worth/value, not being good enough etc - so I'm also trying to raise my self-esteem. There's an audiobook called 'The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem' available on Audible which someone has uploaded as a video on YouTube. It seems to be really good/quite life-changing, according to the comments:

There are lots of others, so have a look around using words like 'attachment theory', 'attachment styles', 'anxious attachment', 'preoccupied attachment'.

Also, here's a little video that I think represents me/my relationship (and I'm sure a lot of you/yours) to a T in relationships:

Hey @sun

I'm not surprised his behaviour increases your anxiety. I think men sharing pictures like that is pretty gross tbh plus obviously you know about it; not exactly going to make you feel special.

He sounds like he's not helping at all.

Sun you could also look at schema therapy, although I think joint therapy would be shorter in duration and offer positive tools to try for both of you. I wish you well it's hard to see my partner struggle with as you describe , ideas which they are convinced are real and dangerous at the time. Thanks for the insight into what it's like on your side.