Baby shower - I'm already regretting DM's involvement

[MiniMummy576]

This is the baby shower for second baby. I've chosen to do it slightly differently from last time
(www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3161664-Is-this-odd-for-a-baby-shower)

I thought my DM would be less of a pain in the arse this time round, but I'm already regretting involving her.

The other day she came out for a trip with DS and I. She tells me she's going to visit my brother at the Easter weekend.
So I said "Oh, you're not coming to the baby shower then?"
She looked massively confused and then horrified when she realised she'd forgotten when it was, then confirmed she'd swap the visit with my brother to a different weekend. Then I jokingly said that it would have been a bit awkward with just my mates and the nans. Again, she looks a bit horrified and admits she hasn't actually talked to them about it so they currently know nothing about it.
Then she asks if I've invited my SIL - meaning my brother's wife. (I have another SIL on DH's side) And I said no. I haven't invited either SIL because they both live hours away and I know that it's a huge inconvenience for both of them to make the journey from where they live. I also know that they won't be offended about not being invited because we've talked about this sort of stuff in the past.
Anyhoo.... DM then goes on for a few minutes about how nice it would be for SIL (brother's wife) to be asked, even if I know she won't come. Fine, I say, I'll think about it.

Later that evening DM sends me a guilt-trip text about inviting SIL to the baby shower. At this point I start to get annoyed because I can see my DM working up to some full-on manipulation. I ignore the text.

DM phones me at work today to ask when SIL's birthday is. She's forgotten. I tell her and she is annoyed I've remembered (and didn't tell HER ) and have sent a card. Then she asks whether I've invited SIL to the baby shower yet. I said no. She tells me I should.
I, uncharacteristically, ask bluntly why she's pestering me about this.
She starts going on about she feels guilty and that she doesn't want SIL to feel excluded and how she wants her to feel part of the family and that I should invite her.
I pointed out that it sounds like she wants me to invite SIL because of her (DM's) feelings of guilt and that those feelings have nothing to do with me.
She says to me that she always invites her brother (to some really random stuff) and his wife, even if she already knows that he's busy playing football etc. (This seems bonkers to me) and that I should do the same for SIL because she (DM) doesn't want her (SIL) to feel left out of the plans we've made (she hasn't organised a thing, my best friends are kindly putting the event together for me)

This issue really doesn't have anything to do with SIL - I know she'll be cool about it all - this issue is entirely to do with DM. SIL and I have had frequent discussions about DM's master-level manipulation (she interferes in our relationship and plays us off against each other to get her own way) and have both agreed not to engage with it.

I'm now regretting involving my DM in the baby shower because she's already trying to manipulate the event into something she wants (it won't stop at the guest list - I can guarantee it) and acting like she's the organiser when she's just a guest. It seems such a small thing writing it down, but my DM really is the type of person where, if you give an inch, she'll take an entire marathon and claim all the credit and the sponsorship money (IYSWIM)

I'm now considering cancelling the whole thing and just going out with my mates.

@ByTheWardrobe

Erm....

you don’t want her there

Yes I do. I wouldn't have asked BF to invite her otherwise

why delight in her forgetting the date?

I haven't delighted in it. I just think it a tad ironic that she later went on to make it out to be such a big, important deal when she'd forgotten when it was.

And then when she offered to rearrange her plans why not be grateful?

Because she'll either be there or she won't? She was talking to me like it was a massively important thing to her. If she had really wanted to go to my brother's place, it's not the end of the world. (as it turns out, there weren't any plans in place. DB had no idea she was planning on staying at his that weekend! )

if she is not in charge of inviting anyone then why get on her back about the Nans not knowing about it

I didn't get on her back. I didn't tell her off. I laughed about it - it wasn't a big deal.

Yep, no big deal, hence you detailed it all here obviously hoping to be validated

The way that you grin at her not actually having plans with your brother is deeply nasty. Just uninvite the poor woman. And I can guarantee that your nastiness will be noticed by other family members. It screams out from these posts

You sound a bit unpleasant to be honest.

Haven't you every heard of politics? Sometimes we have to do stuff we aren't keen on just to keep everyone happy.

Just invite your fucking SIL to have a bit of tea and cake with you and stop making such a big controlling deal of everything.

You sound like a drama queen your making a mountain out of mole hill over an event you just said was afternoon tea.

'Baby showers are a bit different here than American ones. We call them baby showers, but actually it's just an excuse to get together and eat cake and drink tea. Presents aren't expected. Also, as I said in my OP, my best friends are organising it - not me.'

Then it's not a 'shower'. A baby shower is to shower the baby/mum with gifts.

You're making a mountain out of a moehill about getting together with your mates.

Maybe you should just have kept quiet when she said she was going to be away. As you said it is your friends organising it, it does not have to be called a baby shower and inviting your nans and MIL too should have been down to you if you wanted them there not your DM.

My DD is having her second and said no way does she want another baby shower. I think she felt pressured into having one for her first. Many people don't bother for the second child so you could quite legitimately say there is no baby shower.

Any way you have spoken to SIL and as you thought she isn't going to make the journey so just tell your DM that and leave it alone now. Hopefully there will be no more drama now as I am sure you don't need it.

Get your mum on op, I want to her side of it.

Your OP sounds like YOU have arranged a baby shower with all the I , I , I want. Or gift grab as they are known when having a second or third etc. Of course they are about presents.
You said you 'involved' her. She thought SIL should have been invited. I think so too. Not a huge deal and way quicker than keeping the whole saga going on here.
You sound like hard work OP and you sound very much like you describe your mother to be

Why can't op have a baby shower. It's a nice way to celebrate the pregnancy and why should it matter if it's the second one. On the other hand I don't think op has conveyed very well the problems with her DM. I think battles should be chosen wisely and I would have just called sil and invited her but understand that because of distance she wouldn't come, less stress and problem solved. Good luck with you party and enjoy it. You will be celebrating the baby that you have been growing and what a wonderful thing that is.