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Original poster

Baby shower - I'm already regretting DM's involvement

60 replies

MiniMummy576 · 14/03/2018 16:40

This is the baby shower for second baby. I've chosen to do it slightly differently from last time
(www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3161664-Is-this-odd-for-a-baby-shower)

I thought my DM would be less of a pain in the arse this time round, but I'm already regretting involving her.

The other day she came out for a trip with DS and I. She tells me she's going to visit my brother at the Easter weekend.
So I said "Oh, you're not coming to the baby shower then?"
She looked massively confused and then horrified when she realised she'd forgotten when it was, then confirmed she'd swap the visit with my brother to a different weekend. Then I jokingly said that it would have been a bit awkward with just my mates and the nans. Again, she looks a bit horrified and admits she hasn't actually talked to them about it so they currently know nothing about it.
Then she asks if I've invited my SIL - meaning my brother's wife. (I have another SIL on DH's side) And I said no. I haven't invited either SIL because they both live hours away and I know that it's a huge inconvenience for both of them to make the journey from where they live. I also know that they won't be offended about not being invited because we've talked about this sort of stuff in the past.
Anyhoo.... DM then goes on for a few minutes about how nice it would be for SIL (brother's wife) to be asked, even if I know she won't come. Fine, I say, I'll think about it.

Later that evening DM sends me a guilt-trip text about inviting SIL to the baby shower. At this point I start to get annoyed because I can see my DM working up to some full-on manipulation. I ignore the text.

DM phones me at work today to ask when SIL's birthday is. She's forgotten. I tell her and she is annoyed I've remembered (and didn't tell HER Shock) and have sent a card. Then she asks whether I've invited SIL to the baby shower yet. I said no. She tells me I should.
I, uncharacteristically, ask bluntly why she's pestering me about this.
She starts going on about she feels guilty and that she doesn't want SIL to feel excluded and how she wants her to feel part of the family and that I should invite her.
I pointed out that it sounds like she wants me to invite SIL because of her (DM's) feelings of guilt and that those feelings have nothing to do with me.
She says to me that she always invites her brother (to some really random stuff) and his wife, even if she already knows that he's busy playing football etc. (This seems bonkers to me) and that I should do the same for SIL because she (DM) doesn't want her (SIL) to feel left out of the plans we've made (she hasn't organised a thing, my best friends are kindly putting the event together for me)

This issue really doesn't have anything to do with SIL - I know she'll be cool about it all - this issue is entirely to do with DM. SIL and I have had frequent discussions about DM's master-level manipulation (she interferes in our relationship and plays us off against each other to get her own way) and have both agreed not to engage with it.

I'm now regretting involving my DM in the baby shower because she's already trying to manipulate the event into something she wants (it won't stop at the guest list - I can guarantee it) and acting like she's the organiser when she's just a guest. It seems such a small thing writing it down, but my DM really is the type of person where, if you give an inch, she'll take an entire marathon and claim all the credit and the sponsorship money (IYSWIM)

I'm now considering cancelling the whole thing and just going out with my mates.

OP posts:
lilybookins · 15/03/2018 06:12

*happy

ByTheWardrobe · 15/03/2018 07:27

On the basis of what you have written, OP, I feel really sorry for your DM

Isetan · 15/03/2018 07:31

Then I jokingly said that it would have been a bit awkward with just my mates and the Nan

Jokingly my arse, you were being PA. Why would it have been awkward with just your friends and Nan?

All this drama for a grabby event that’s intended for the first born, you and Mum are two peas in a pod.

Alabama3 · 15/03/2018 07:36

your mother is right, why not just send a quick text saying you know it's far but you are having a shower if she fancied it but no pressure, that text would have taken a quarter of the time this thread did.

this, why didn't you just send her an invite with a note to say you understand totally if it's too far. You are leaving her out

Lindy2 · 15/03/2018 07:41

Gosh that all sounds like a lit of unecessary faffing around and stress. Wouldn't just having a few friends around for afternoon tea or something similar be a lot easier and fun than packaging it all up as a baby shower?
Just text whoever you'd like to meet up with the day and time and get some nice food in. Job done. No hassle, nothing much to organise (and it avoids all the grabby/tackiness of a baby shower IMO).
Most of your post seems like quite unecessary problems really.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 15/03/2018 07:45

If your dm wanted nowt to do with your second baby +shower you would be even more pissed off.
And she is right for including sil even if she can't make it. When dc arrives if sil can't be arsed to send card you will also be pissed off I bet.

expatinscotland · 15/03/2018 07:46

a) you don't organise your own baby shower b) you don't have one for a second baby. Even in America before everyone bangs on about it all being, God forbid!, American!

Cancel. Go out with your friends.

Original poster
MiniMummy576 · 15/03/2018 08:33

@afrikat I'm beginning to get that idea too! Grin

@Dancingmonkey87, @Nixen, @RoryAndLogan, @EveningShadows, @BerylStreep, @TemptressofWaikiki Baby showers are a bit different here than American ones. We call them baby showers, but actually it's just an excuse to get together and eat cake and drink tea. Presents aren't expected. Also, as I said in my OP, my best friends are organising it - not me.

As I said, my SIL isn't the issue. We're each comfortable with our relationship, however it's not the sort of relationship my DM WANTS us to have, so she's constantly interfering. I spoke to SIL about the baby shower last night a) to share my frustration and b) because it suddenly occurred to me that DM might try to guilt-trip her into making the journey. She was (as I expected) a bit confused by the invite.

OP posts:
dontbesillyhenry · 15/03/2018 08:36

Baby shower my arse

Original poster
MiniMummy576 · 15/03/2018 08:42

I think your mum's explanation for including her is thoughtful and kind.

It's really not. It's difficult to explain if you haven't experienced my DM's particular breed of manipulation, but the phrases etc have all been designed to get me to do what she wants.

You also say your mother is acting like an organiser but am I reading it right that you gave her responsibility to invite people?

Nope, I didn't ask her to do anything. My friends probably asked her to give my Nans a heads up because they don't know my friends and would be massively confused/a bit anxious to have a stranger phone them.

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 15/03/2018 08:44

I’m from the U.K. I assume you are to op. Of course presents are expected it’s a shower hence the name otherwise you would say hey I’m having a get together if you fancy it before the baby comes.

HarrietKettle · 15/03/2018 08:46

Why call it a shower then?

Original poster
MiniMummy576 · 15/03/2018 08:48

When dc arrives if sil can't be arsed to send card you will also be pissed off I bet.

I'm not actually a fan of cards, so no I wouldn't care. But as I've said before, my SIL are fine - we understand each other. I know that if I needed her, she'd come and stay with me to look after the baby or DS - i.e. she's there for the important stuff rather than worrying about the faff of a quick afternoon of tea and cake.

OP posts:
Original poster
MiniMummy576 · 15/03/2018 08:52

@HarrietKettle

I have no idea, tbh. It's just what people call it.

OP posts:
annandale · 15/03/2018 08:55

'her phrases are all designed to get me to do what she wants'

TBH I would say the same about myself. To me that's how language works. Sorry, on what you've written, YABU.

mimibunz · 15/03/2018 08:57

You say your friends are giving you the shower but in your first sentence you write that you’ve chosen to do it slightly different this time. Which is it?

deste · 15/03/2018 09:06

Well you could have a Sip and See, (don’t ask), apparently this is done after the birth. I don’t know if that is American or what.

Original poster
MiniMummy576 · 15/03/2018 09:20

@mimibunz
Did you read my previous thread about it? My friends asked for a guest list - that's what I was referring to.

OP posts:
Original poster
MiniMummy576 · 15/03/2018 09:25

@ChickenMom
It feels like it’s more of an excuse to battle with your DM and prove that she’s unreasonable than anything to do with inviting your SIL.

You're right in that it has nothing to do with inviting my SIL - it's just what my DM has chosen to get in a twist about. If SIL had already been invited, she'd find something else.
You're also sort of right in that it's a battle with DM - but it's not an excuse. As I said above, she'll find something to get in a twist about. I wish it wasn't a battle, but she wants to control EVERYTHING. It's exhausting having someone who wants to be in charge of your every decision.

OP posts:
dontbesillyhenry · 15/03/2018 09:39

You sound very alike

ByTheWardrobe · 15/03/2018 09:42

Was just thinking, would love to hear the DM’s side of this!

ByTheWardrobe · 15/03/2018 09:43

OP, you are aware that you are doing everything you are accusing your mother of doing?

Onedaylikethi5 · 15/03/2018 09:45

YABU to have a baby shower. The rest doesn't matter. Just cancel, who needs that sort of stress?

Original poster
MiniMummy576 · 15/03/2018 10:03

@ByTheWardrobe

How so?

OP posts:
ByTheWardrobe · 15/03/2018 10:08

If this shower is a low key thing organised by friends and you don’t want her there, then why delight in her forgetting the date? And then when she offered to rearrange her plans why not be grateful? And if she is not in charge of inviting anyone then why get on her back about the Nans not knowing about it. You sound incredibly manipulative and passive aggressive and if I was your DM I would be dreading this shower as she will obviously not be able to do anything right