How do you feel about your partner having friends of the opposite sex ?

[meme70]

How do you feel about your husband / wife having friends of the opposite sex ?

I’m on my 3rd long term relationship ok nearly 50 and my last 2 relatioanships I ended as one was an alcoholic the other a cheat and control freak
I spent 16 years with first guy 9 years with second guy the both only had male friends so it never really gave me a reason to think about female friends of my SO.

My husband now we have been together 5 years and he has only one friend male where we live and a few male friends about 100 miles away he sees rarely. Years and years ago he had a couple female friends but never told me about one who has messaged him in Facebook late the other evening.
He said he was really good friends with her and she was going out with his mate about 20 years ago and the finished so she took to hanging around with my husband and another mate and we’re close friends.
Now I know it’s normal to be friends but I wonder why she’s tracked him down after absoutley no contact in 15 years. Looking at her fb profile she looks single with 5 year old twin boys.
He has t read her message it’s bewn 2 days since she sent it to me it seems weird that he hasn’t read it ?

Does your SO meet up and message opposite sex friends ?

I do feel a bit insecure as he did lie to me about he cheated on his ex with another ex and I only found out when his bitter ex told me who it was and he denied he slept with said ex when married so I’m unsure if this close friend was an ex or really just a friend

How do you know about this message and the fact he apparently hasn't seen it?

I feel great that my OH has female friends and messages and sees them. I have male friends I message and see. It's lovely.

I don't think it's normal behaviour at all for grown adults to only have friendships with people of the same sex.

I would feel very concerned if my DP didn't have any female friends.

I don't have any problem with it. He has one particular female friend he has known for years and meetings every so often for coffee and catch up. If someone is going to cheat, they will do it and stopping the. Seeing old friends won't make any difference

It's normal to have friends of both sexes and to spend time with people whose company you enjoy and who you care about. It's not normal to restrict those two things to people who share your sex after marriage or due to being in a relationship.

Its also not abnormal to remain friends with exes or people with whom you shared sexual history so long as that past is behind you. Not everyone chooses to do this, e.g. relationships which ended badly, but it's certainly not out of the ordinary. If you are on to you third long term relationship (as I and many others are) it's a bit fallacious to attempt to maintain the idea that you are the first and only woman in his life, as of course there will have been others: girlfriends, flings, crushes, friends etc. If you trust your dh now, none of that should matter.

Most of my friends are male. If my partner had a problem with that, I'd choose my friends over them.

Yes, definitely, my husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex. In fact, one of my good friends is an ex of mine (I’m also good friends with his wife and my dh and I went to their wedding). But it’s all 100% above board. There’s no secrets. We do occasionally see opposite sex friends alone, but we mostly now see them together as couples (with their partners too). So it’s nothing weird and we have a solid relationship and trust each other.

That said, sounds like you are overthinking this. This isn’t even a real friend, just a random person he once knew. For what it’s worth, my mum sends me fb messages and I can easily go 3 days before I read them! Some people just aren’t that bothered to message people constantly. He probably doesn’t really want to talk to her.

Thanks for your replies

To the person who stated if my partner didn’t want me having male friends I’d chose my male grids over him then I feel sorry for your husband
Or sorry partner

I did explain why I was uneasy but sadly people do seem to think it’s okay to belittle you in here

mikesh909 Not sure me being on my third relationship has anything to do with this but hey

I will now explain why I asked

My now husband cross examined me on my male friends I used to have on Facebook

He also used to cross examine me on who I spoke to when out and did anyone chat me up etc

He also set rules in our relationship that I couldn’t go to pubs with female friends and no way nightclubs so I didn’t as I put him first
Sadly since then he has done what I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to do.

I asked the question as he doesn’t like me having male fiends so why is there a rule for one partner and not the one making said rules ?

He goes out a coupe times a month as he’s always working with his mate he gets in at 1 am I say can you sleep in spare room if you get in them as you wake me up and drunk snoring isn’t good.
I went out twice in 4 years once he cane found me in pub with my friend
The second time I was walking in the door at 11.50 pm and he was putting bedding in the sofa for me.

So I asked as he thinks it’s okay to not let me breath but he made the rules to start with.

Oh I know he has a message as he picked his phone up and looked shocked I asked what was wrong and he told me she messaged him etc

Today I asked why did she want as they all turned 40 the same time I asked was she having a party and he told me he has t read the message

So if your thinking I spy on him I don’t we communicate I don’t spy.

I'm single now, but my ex really resented me being friends with other men - to the point that I couldn't even meet up with them for a coffee 'because they're only being nice to you because they fancy you.' He had no female friends at all. We ended up splitting up because he was convinced I was having an affair with my best friend (male). My best friend still can't get his head around that mindset - but we're both very relieved we no longer have to sneak around if we want to meet up for a chat.

I don't think there's anything untoward going on - probably she just bumped into a mutual friend and thought 'Oh! Mr meme! I wonder what he's up to these days?'

Kubex why is it concerning if people don’t have friendships with opp sex ? I know most my female friends onky havw proper friendships with females ?

Putup

I did go into explain why I asked

He doesn’t like me having male friends or going out with female fiends so I wanted to see what people thought
Most people had a dig at me before they knew the back story

If he’s dead against me having male friends why shouldn’t I be concerned he has female friends as they usually say the one making controlled unreasonable ‘suggestions ‘ usualyyvarw the ones to be guilty

Also he cheated on his ex wife with a friend
He also cheated on his ex fiancé with a friend

I had no issues of him having friends or going out with friends until he demanded I didn’t so I think he needs to look at his own actions and see how I felt tbh

He obviously has insecurities he needs to deal with.

Sorry meme, we crossposted. I'm honestly not having a dig, but I do recognise a very similar pattern of behaviour as I had with my ex. It was a very gradual thing - and I can't say for certain whether or not it was deliberate - but it started with not liking me having male friends. Then not being able to see them. Then not liking certain female friends. Then not liking me going out to see any friends. It got to the point that if I did go out, he'd phone me half an hour before I was expected back to ask where I was.

Meeting friends became something to be dreaded, because I knew when I got home, he'd be angry and I'd suffer as a result. So I stopped seeing any friends at all. It was very isolating. But if he went out, he'd say he'd be home at nine, and then roll in at three in the morning.

Obviously I don't know the details of your relationship, but this all sounds so very familiar. My ex never cheated on me as far as I'm aware, but definitely had insecurities and felt as though he should be 'enough' for me, and that I shouldn't need anyone else. It wasn't healthy for either of us.

Djnoun Same here, albeit man with lots of female friends. And I did choose them over an ex who got uppity about it, even though the friends were around years before she came on the scene.

Your being on your third long term relationship is relevant for the reasons I described. It's not plausible that your partner has never known / loved / enjoyed friendships with / worked with / had sex casually with other people women before you. If you were a teenager in your first real relationship with a person in the same position it would be possible that you would know all the people he had ever known in those ways but in your situation, it's unrealistic. So be realistic about it. He has known other women, in all the ways described above. It's not unreasonable that he would want to keep in touch or maintain friendships with some of them. It is however unreasonable that he would expect to tell you that you can't do those things. It is odd when people maintain only same sex friendships. This only ever stems from jealousy or insecurity and I imagine that is why a pp described it as worrying.

Opposite sex friends - definitely ok.
Controlling behaviour like his - definitely not ok.

Hi

I think not being 'allowed' is a form of abuse. If you are happy with not being allowed that's an entirely different story.

I find it weird he has not read the message and also i don't like the double standard. However people do message randomly. I would have my guards up as he sounds very insecure and the cheating would rock my boat a little.

Last but not least, I don't have a problem with my partner having female friends as I don't feel it threatens me, I have a lot of male friends and for my wedding I actually have 4 bridesman.

The most important thing is for you to be comfortable and trust your gut feeling. Hope my post helps xxx

Dh and I both have friends of the opposite sex - and both of us exchange the odd message.

The key I think is how that messaging is - for example my male friend who I used to do my PhD with is in our city once or twice a year and will always do a ‘hi! Be in Xxx on Wednesday if you guys fancy meeting up for a coffee? Then it’ll go onto a ‘hows the kids? How’s work? Sort of thing. Our last one centered around lawn mowing tips :)

What it IS is something that I’d be more than happy to show dh. What it ISNT is:

Constant messaging
Intimate messaging
Moaning about the other half
First thing in he morning last at night messaging (aka ‘always on my mind.’)

Him not liking you seeing friends full stop is massive red flag and id be very wary here. It’s controlling, jealous and indicative of trust issues on his part.

Of course I know he has been a player been married etc etc
What I don’t like is him telling me I can’t have male friends go out with female friends etc
He’s happy me going to lunch with my female married friend
I went out in January and he had ago at me as I ‘only’ text him once in 4 hours I was out at dinner with my female friend.
I once went to a psychic night and on the way he text me I should of asked him to come
But he’s been to London twice for boozy weekend with fronds said it’s best if I don’t come as it’s lads oy, for me to see photos of his mates wives and GF there too?
He seems to want me to be kept indoors.

I just don’t see why he won’t read her message I asked if it’s only an old friend what’s the problem ?

My post was to see what people thought I don’t care he has female friends but I wanted to see what others thought before I explained why I asked.

So to rephrase

Why is it okay one partner can go out and have the friends they want but the other partner isn’t ‘allowed’ ?

Surely if he’s making rules he needs to stick to them himself

I tell him to go out with his mate

He never does me

Thankyou for the last few replies

I agree I’m okay with messaging etc how are you’d etc
What I find odd is she seems all of a sudden single with twin 5 year olds and all of a sudden messages after 15 years
He said they were all REALLY close well my close fiend of 46 years have been in constant contact 46 years and I’ve moved around loads

Double standards really is what I don’t like

He is controlling I’m just tired of men that seem to think it’s okay to control
Regarding my 3rd long term relationship I think that’s good better than lots of short ones lol

Why is it okay one partner can go out and have the friends they want but the other partner isn’t ‘allowed’ ?

It’s not. I wouldn’t live like that. Do you want to?

I am from now on sadly I lost friends as I turned down invites so now trying to make new ones is hard

Friends of both genders here and I message the men more I think, although who is chat to most varies over the years.

Thanks for your replies I will end my post here 😄