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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Some perspective please......I’m not a moron!

30 replies

Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 13/03/2018 20:17

This is probably going to sound really silly but there is a big back story to this, along the lines of my OH is an insecure, jealous, lying, manipulative individual! Massive trust issues on my part not his, I have never lied to him or done anything to make him doubt me.
So I was putting LO to bed tonight and I called down if I could have my phone, stood at the top of the stairs waiting for him to pass it to me....he took ages, shouted again and he said ‘you want your phone now?’ Yes please, as I wouldn’t have asked for it 🤔 he finally gave me my phone and it was disabled (iPhone) he had clearly been trying to get into my phone, I asked outright why he was trying to get into my phone, said he hadnt, he clearly was as he had disabled it and was trying to buy time before passing it to me. I’ve asked him again since and he’s denying, basically making me out to be crazy, starting shit! I’m not bloody mental, I know you have to put the wrong code in up to 10 times for it to disable.
Sick of being made out to be unreasonable when I know facts. He will also say things during arguments to get a reaction out of me but then point blank deny ever saying them. It’s exhausting and he’s shady!
I’m thinking gaslighting? Or am I being mental?

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 13/03/2018 20:21

Reading that back I feel ridiculous as I frequently post on other people’s threads giving advice about just being outright, but what the hell do you do when your OH will just lie and lie no matter how much you confront them??!

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 13/03/2018 20:25

my OH is an insecure, jealous, lying, manipulative individual!

Why is he your OH if you think that?

AthenasOwl · 13/03/2018 20:25

That is gaslighting. You know it is. What does he think he's going to find on your phone? Massive breach of trust.
I wouldn't dream of trying to go through my husbands phone and I would be saddened if he felt the need to go through mine.
You're not being silly at all.

Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 13/03/2018 20:30

Because I do care for him, we have a child together and he’s come from a very troubled back ground and has a lot of issues that he’s trying to work through. The relationship has been really bad at times but he’s trying to make amends and ideally I want it to work.
Do you know what.....I have no idea, I’m just rambling! Im not happy but I’m not totally unhappy and at present I don’t think things are bad enough to call it quits, I guess I’m just used to his bullshit and think I’m strong enough to deal with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 13/03/2018 20:33

Athenasowl......this is way I’m saddened mainly as I’ve never given him reason to distrust me, I don’t get it! I’ve stuck by him through so much and feel confused.

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VladmirsPoutine · 13/03/2018 20:38

How old is your child and do you work? You referring to him as 'OH' leads me to think that you are not married?

This is called gas lighting and emotional abuse.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/03/2018 20:38

that he’s trying to work through

That doesn't seem to be true; tonight at least. He was trying to get into your phone to check up on you; and he lied to you repeatedly and to your face.

There's no glory in being strong enough to cope with all this.

I'd definitely want proof that he was working on this and absolute honesty to even try. If he couldn't give that, I'd be gone. Life is too short to be lied to so blatently.

Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 13/03/2018 20:46

Yes I do work and LO is 2, we are not married, have been together 4yrs.
I guess I want it to work or maybe I’ve just accepted that he will never change and it’s a put up or get out situation and the put up seems like the easiest option at this moment in time.
He proposed a year in, I said yes but have since retracted my yes, we are no longer engaged, I take marriage as a huge commitment and one I can not make in this situation.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 13/03/2018 21:03

Well you have a child with him. So in terms of commitment I think that ship has sailed as you will be infinitely linked for the rest of your lives by virtue of having had a child. But that doesn't mean you have to settle and accept this as 'your lot in life'.

No-one deserves this treatment. You say he has issues which he is trying to work through but how is that going? You as an individual don't deserve to suffer through this, neither does your child. The fact that you repeatedly keep saying you're not "mental" leads me to think that he's really going full throttle in attacking you mentally. You are NOT mental. You have insight into the situation you are in. What do you want to come out out of this?

Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 13/03/2018 21:16

That is what I mean by commitment, I am not willing to commit myself to him. I realise I am going to be tied to him for the rest of my life, I accept that, we were careless and I got pregnant and i take responsibility for that, I do realise that I don’t have to stick it out just because we have a child.
He’s been to therapy (anger management) and is currently on the waiting list for counselling in relation to his past, he is trying to be a better person.
The problem is, I can’t shake the fact that when he does these things that it is really who he is, I get that people have troubled past but surely you should want to break the cycle, not repeat it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 13/03/2018 21:19

I want him to realise that what he does is damaging and that he’s pushing me further and further away by repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
Every time I feel I’m healing, there’s something else and we’re back to square one.
I can’t figure out if he is just ‘bad’ or stupid.

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 14/03/2018 02:12

It honestly doesn't matter why he's like this. Whether he is bad or just stupid, as you put it.

He is like this. He will have a million reasons why you should be ok with him being like this. But at the end of the day it doesn't matter why, it matters that he is like this - and I'm very sorry but he sounds completely unbearable and like a terrible example for your DC.

Do you want DC growing up thinking this is ok in a relationship? I would not be able to come to terms with it personally. I left my dh for very similar behaviour...

Angelf1sh · 14/03/2018 03:11

But he’s not pushing you further away each time is he? you’re staying put because it’s easier than leaving. He knows that. He also knows that the bigger the number he does on you, the harder you’ll find it to go. What incentive does he have to change his behaviour? None that I can see.

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2018 05:30

There's no need for you to put up with this nonsense.
Its great if he's getting help and trying to change although he doesn't seem very committed to it given his behaviour here but he can do that while he's single.

JosephWearsNoPants · 14/03/2018 05:42

he's not bad but therapy is not magic and takes ages to see a change and the change only happens if he wants to.
Also his mood may get worse during therapy because it brings up stuff.

id do relationship counselling or end it. its easier the younger your child is they adapt quicker to new living arrangements in my opinion.

JosephWearsNoPants · 14/03/2018 05:44

there is a pattern. you heard that madness is doing the something expecting different results...
yes shown you who he is..insecure jealoys and a liar. Believe him.

He may change but I wouldn't hold my breath. move on.

JosephWearsNoPants · 14/03/2018 05:45

same thing ffs not doing the something Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 14/03/2018 05:50

I put up with an insecure, lying arse for many years because I was strong enough to take the shit and believed the good times were worth it. Eventually I ran out of strength and splitting up was the only way to save what was left of my sanity. It's taken a decade to pick up the pieces to the extent that I am a reasonably functional, employable human being. I've regained a sense of humour, some of my self-control and best of all, an optimistic outlook. I can only advise: leave while you still can cope, don't hang on until you can't.

I recognise all too well that cycle of thinking he was improving, that he was getting it, that he was genuinely trying to get over his issues, only to have another issue pop up randomly like Whack-a-mole. I'll never know if he did it on purpose. I'm not sure it matters really.

laloup1 · 14/03/2018 06:04

What prize said
My OH was emotionally abused by his ex - controlling, criticising, manipulating, no trust etc. He finally left as he realised he was disappearing in the relationship and it was impossible for him to be the kind of father he wanted to be in the situation.
An major effect of the abuse was loss of perspective - accepting behaviour that is way outside the bounds of a healthy positive relationship. It might be useful for you to get some counselling for you - to help you reality check your perspective.
I’m really proud of my OH now. He’s built his self-esteem and worth back up. Everyone around us comments on his parenting. (Guys who do a good parenting job get way more credit than women but that’s another thread!)
And there’s no doubt in my mind that this is the best possible chance for his daughter to not end up repeating the cycle.

EllieMe · 14/03/2018 06:07

It's a cliche but true - you can't change anyone's behaviour you can only change your own. This will be the rest of your life. Get out now.

Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 14/03/2018 08:43

I honestly feel like im losing my mind......he makes me doubt what I know is fact.
I’m sat here at work thinking do I txt him and try and get the truth, but I know he won’t admit and will leave me feeling guilty for accusing him, not trusting him etc.
I’m starting to think I need some counselling if for nothing but to give me some perspective and make me feel stronger.
Is the Freedom Project worth looking in to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 14/03/2018 08:45

Also, thank you so much for the support and advice....I know you are all right. I not oblivious to the situation, it’s just hard.

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miyajima2018 · 14/03/2018 18:13

Trust your gut. I feel like you also would really benefit from therapy to talk through your own patterns of behaviour in the relationship(s) and come to terms with your own self-worth which sounds low. Nomatter how bad his behaviour is (and it is) you are currently tolerating it and unwittingly sending the message it is acceptable.

I think you deserve much better than this, and I think that you owe it to yourself to get 100% strong and full of self-worth so that you can assert your boundaries. I think you are very fearful of leaving him, but it would probably the best decision you ever make.

Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 14/03/2018 18:18

I’m fearful of the situation after we split, I’m not afraid to be on my own, in fact I enjoy lots of space. I’m fearful of having to explain to my son and deal with him asking where his dad is and the guilt of them not being able to spend the amount of time together that they currently do. I would feel horrendous guilt.

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miyajima2018 · 14/03/2018 18:24

The reason you would feel guilt is because your own self worth / self -esteem is low and you are taking on stuff that is not your burden to take. It is obviously a very sad and hard situation you would never have chosen, but given the choices in front of you now, leaving is the most healthy and sensible one.

You need to seek out therapy asap in the next day or so to start talking all this through with a professional who will be able to help you see the wood for the trees.

It's completely okay to feel fearful of this and many would react in the same way. But the time has come for you to take control and manage your own responses and behaviour in this situation for the good of yourself, and your dc.

Contact Relate or seek local free / low cost therapy depending on your circumstances, which will be available if you research. X

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