does it pass?

[crikeymoses]

ok not sure whether to do this, but feel very confused. Have been pretty damn miserable for oh a year now and have tried repeatedly to get out of this fug. Problem is now its settled into a black cloud and i keep wishing someone would airlift me out of this situation.
Relationship with dh is very strained and im finding it hard to see him the same way as i used to. I have been to see a gp incase of the big d but it will be ages before a counseller will be available. A large factor i think is lack of support with family all on other side of world and feel i can no longer talk to any friends about it as i have moaned toooo much.
My question is this. How do you know if this is a state of mind thing and will pass eventually or it is really all down to my greatest fear )which keeps me awake at night and gives me the panics) - is simple we're just not meant to be married to eachother.
i dont want this to be true btw. But im too scared to get pg again incase it makes it even harder on us. but do want another lo. thanks feel typing this but ive pretty much exhausted all avenues of help im getting tired of it too!
Did anyone have depression then found when it lifted all the stuff you hated about people, esp your dh just lifted too?
(prob should put this in the other section but cant quite bring myself to)

Yes.

Depression can skew your views about EVERYTHING. Obstacles that normally would be blips become huge mountains.

Really sorry to read your post and about how low you've been feeling.

Seeking medical help was definitely the right thing to do.

Yes - absolutely agree with vimfuego. Also think you're right to want to address the depression before TTC because pg hormones (& subsequent sleepless nights) can simply compound the problem. Wishing you all the very best xxx

yes overcoming depression can change everything about how you feel about everyone so I'd so don't make any decisions about relationships etc now and continue to get professional help.

Thanks for replies folks. So is it possible my dark ive married the wrong man thoughts, i cant bring myself to get pg again in case the next one is too much like dh, so i better find someone else - (flippant but devastating really ) could be festering because of depression?

nhs is taking ages. cant afford to pay though...

CM,

The black cloud image you portray is indicative of depressive thoughts.

Have you tried the BACP's website?. This is the British Association for Counselling and Pyschotherapy.

I'll put up their web address for you.

Felt much the same about dh. Am getting quite a lot of help for depression now - after years of being told I could not possibly be depressed as I did not "seem depressed" when having every day conversations.

Can't say it has resulted in an instant rekindling of our relationship, but I have realised that it is possible for us to have a relationship again but that we need to work at it. We need to talk to each other about fun things more and try and act more caring towards each other like we did years ago. None of this comes easily but it has made a difference to our marriage.

The way you feel could quite easily be driven by depression even if you think that it is not. Can you maybe find some books which would give you some ideas to try with your relationship. In addition, if you are depressed, you should go to GP in case ADs would help.

www.bacp.co.uk

hi its so bad now i kind of look for proof from what people are saying that im right. like they intimate ooh your lo really looks like dh, he is really dark i am really fair = god ive married someone whos stamped out my genes. i absolutely would never be able to say this to friends i have suggeted it to my mom but quite rightly she says your lucky your babies are healthy. so i keep quiet. Goosey loosey like you i dont think any of my friends know i cant tell them - its too cyclical. Anything i say seems to become 'truth' ie oh yeah she shouldnt have married him and voila the whole world thinks it too! and i feel even more trapped.
although they probably think that anyway.
crikey im in a mess feel a bit like ive hijacked 'relationships' for a big ol dose of true blue depression thread. sorry.
i guess im hoping someone will say i thought x about dh when i was depressed it was so bad and i really thought it was true and now the depression has gone i dont think it anymore at all.
attila thanks for the website im going to check it out. didnt think ads were for me but starting to consider them as real possibility now. i thought of myself into 10 years blankminded in the wrong marriage but here because of ads and feel even more . starting to bore myself now with this defeatism! crapola....
the worst thing is that if anyone says stuff like oh your dh is lovely i think in mind but ooh but you dont have all the facts - thats depression right?

What I was trying to say is that if it is a product of depression, it will lift as the depression lifts (it has for me) but it is not a magical process and you need to take steps to improve your life. The first one may be ADs as without them you may not be able to see that anything else is worth while.

Always here if you want to talk - I could not and never have talked to RL friends about this.

thanks goosey what you said did really help. it helps to know this stuff especially that you were able to hide it well - someone said to me yesterday god your so positive about everything and i was like yeah right dont you see that scared look in my eyes no? hahha
i just spoke with my mum and spilled the beans and cried. she thinks the cause of my depression is completely bonkers. im ashamed to say it.
im going to definitely try and sort this out like you say, slowly, deliberately cos dh is really so great in every other way. its madness. literally.

Cause of depression often does appear quite bonkers. If I told people what I am depressed by and what appears to be the cause of everything else, I would appear totally nuts. I have been going to see someone and I even find it difficult to talk to him about it as I think it makes me sound completely stupid. Doesn't make you any the less depressed though!

crikeymoses, if you want to try and deal with your depression while you are waiting to see a psycologist then I recommend this book that my CBT psycologist used with me. Also, excercise has been proved to be as effective as anti depressents in mild to moderate depression, so a 30 minute jog would be good too. If you are depressed than you will find it difficult to relate to DH, that is part of depression.

Also, what you feel is the cause of your depression may well not be. It is a bit chicken and egg. If you are depressed then you will find lots of things make you sad, when really if you were not depressed they would not matter to you. Without giving too much away, my sister is currently suffering from depression, which she feels is due to something specific, but we can see that it is her depression that is making her blow this thing up out of all proportion.

Thanks Cazee. i just sent an email to dh at work to order it! (he has an amazon account). Im very interested in CBT as a form of therapy because i really feel like my automatic repsonses are really screwed up. In fact i can plot a path (which included a very hopeless unsupportive friend) from blissed out happiness after ds was born to complete down and out blackness and even worse a total and utter fixation on a problem that hasnt actually really happened yet. its looming but im convinced it will and so im too scared to get pg with dh, so i think hes not right, so im depressed to be trapped. and yes your right i cant see much in a positive light now. if i ever get through this i would love to help other people who feel like this cos its so much easier to see how much good stuff they have that they cant see. Im glad your sister has you to help.

Did you bf your DS? I was on an oxytocine (sp) high for the first 3 months, just happy all the time, felt sort of fluffy and warm! Then it wore off. That can come as a bit of a shock. CBT is brilliant for getting your thinking patterns back on track. Might it help if you share your current worry? No-one will think badly of you, and we may be able to help you see how to deal with it. People just saying it is silly is no help at all, you need to go through a cognitive process that enables you to really understand that it is not as bad as you thought.

It is possible that you have PND which needs different specific medication than other forms of depressive illness (and can strike within a year of the LO's birth and last for a long time).
Also, it's helpful sometimes to call The Samaritans (sorry don't have number on me but you can get it via 118118 or whatever) if you just want to offload. It's what they are for, and one of the reasons they are really good is they don't judge you, give you unhelpful advice or insist on putting another person's point of view to you.

Otherwise, try to get as much as possible of the following: regular reasonably healthy meals, fresh air and daylight, gentle exercise and sleep as lack of these increases the black cloud feeling.
Best of luck.

Hi ok here goes im going to share my worries! (scary!!) (Cazee got the book already! how fast is that). feeling bit better today - on good days i dont really have any problems. on very bad days i am absolutely convinced i shouldnt have married dh. the issue i have isnt so much about what i think of me. other than i do lack confidence when i think how could i make such a BIG mistake. this is the big one being married its for ever. well supposedly. Im constantly looking for the evidence ive made right or wrong decision.
I realise ive been doing what the book says with this evidence thing, ie really listening to peoples comments about , dh trying to find clues as to what they think. mostly imagining the worst from it.
Ok this is fairly scary to admit on here, but It all started when i thought to my self ooh i hope the next lo doesnt look so much like dh family (v dark) but more like mine, (fair), then i thought well hang on if you're hoping not many of your dh' looks dont get passed on surely you've picked the wrong guy? So on some days i feel physically feel the trapped feeling manifest itself in my tummy, i feel extreme anxiety. and im am petrified of getting pg again with dh cos im convinced it will look like his family and not me (as one of my friends has nicely pointed out his genes will 'stamp out' mine, it troubles me that i feel upset about these comments and its why i cant talk to them) . but i really do want another one.

Part of me just wants to run and start again with someone else. but thats the crazy bit right?. thats the bit i think i need help with, not samaritans though, i dont want someone just to listen, i need some mind changing/ balancing tricks if im going to be happy. Need to go through that cognitive process as you say. Afterall i did think dh was the best thing in the world and great looking when i met him. plus he is loyal, lovely, funny, helpful pretty great in all other respects.
Im confused. have i simply married the 'wrong guy' which is making me feel trapped/ depressed (happens all the time surely) or possible i am suffering pnd and am latching on to the one thing thats impossible to change?
dont want to throw a great marriage out the window if it is pnd. But on the other hand someone could say to me you daft cow if you wanted kids that look like you why are you having them with someone so opposite? what did you expect? and surely its pnd related and TOTALLY BONKERS to even CARE about this sort of thing?
ok thats it sorry its so long, i cant say this to friends or even really my mum. so thanks for reading! i really dont know if i can post this its crazy, pls be kind.
Dont suppose anyone can relate to these feelings?.....

Your friend doesn't know much about genetics if she thinks one parent's genes can "stamp out" another. Your genes are in there just as much as your DH's. Some genes have a tendency to show themselves, so are called "dominant", whilst "recessive" genes take a back seat. However the payback is that recessive characteristics carry on from one generation to the next even if you can't see them, while dominant characteristics are only there if you do see them. (Actually your children probably do look more like you than you think, but you are currently focussed on the features that are his rather than yours.)

So that's that myth knocked on the head, and may I say no wonder you're upset by such an insensitive comment. What a stupid "friend".

Your worry about being "meant" to be married to DH, and being upset that his children look like him even though he is good-looking, sound rather like a post-natal neurosis to me. I'm not a medical expert but I've had four children and had some VERY peculiar ideas and feelings after each one. With DS4 I was obsessed with the bedroom window being able to open wide with a concrete patio below, and how awful it would be if I were to go over there and drop him out of it!!! I also got agoraphobic, used to have a terrible time pushing his pram along the road because I imagined every car was just about to veer into us, and all sorts of morbid things. Luckily I got over them myself after a few months, but it doesn't always sort itself out without help.

You're sensible enough to know this isn't normal and to start looking for help for it, so you're not bonkers. Just suffering. Unlikely that there's anything wrong long-term with your marriage from what you've said, but once you've got your feelings straightened out you'll be in a better position to assess your relationship fairly. Been some good advice on here so far. The right sort of counselling can be marvellous.

Wow, that book arrives fast!
Really glad you posted again, I was thinking about you.
From reading your post it really does sound like an anxiety issue, rather that a bad marriage. What you describe sounds like the "filtering" of evidence to support a distorted belief (the book talks more about this). It might be a good idea to stop worrying about your marriage for a little bit, and focus on dealing with the anxiety/depression. Work through the book, especially the evidence charts, filling these in is really valuable.

Also, having a baby can make anxiety worse, it is not always classic PND. I was SERIOUSLY ill after my son was born. I had always had psyco-symatic (sp?) pains but in the months following the birth it got really bad (racing pulse, felt I couldn't breath, dizzy, terrible pains in my stomach...) I was so ill. It took CBT and numerous health checks for me to even accept that it was psycological. Just saying that it may not be PND, but an anxiety issue that is focusing on your marriage, when the real cause may be something else.

Thanks Anniegetyourgun, esp sharing your feelings you had after you had your children. Btw i say dh good looking now but i have to admit even his baby photos surprise me!! , ok not everyone is a beautiful baby and can grow into a nice person, took me a while to get through gawky stages too. (anyway other people might think he's horrible looking - but i guess thats the neurosis kicking in again)
I have had quite a few comments from people, the same friend is surprised at the fact that ds looks so different to me, dh is from another cultural background although its not possible to tell by looking at him, so she doesnt know. Maybe thats why people always point out ds 'differences' to me. Cos they are surprised.
Also i say i thought he was good looking when i met him, I did but my new post-rationalisation is aah but everyone is when you're in love and maybe the loves just gone and thats why i feel like this.
i have just made an appointment this minute for next week, have decided to pay someone -nhs is taking too long, and some of the stuff im writing is annoying even me.

HI cazee! thanks for posting. yeah the book is really good: the evidence thing - the core belief thing. Definitely im looking for proof of my anxiety from everyone. so even when my mum says thats crazy i just think well you dont know all the facts!
Im glad ive got it though, ill be all CBT'd up soon!!

i dont think you're bonkers,i can realte to what you are saying,kind of getting obsessive over one particular thing and trying to convince yourself you are right.i have been doing the same thing in my relationship.i went to the gp this morning and have been given different ad's to try and help.

I payed privately for CBT while I was waiting for it on the NHS, it really was worth it.
Just my point of view, but it sounds as if you are fixating on this "good looking" issue. Who cares whether others think he is good looking or not? Looks attract us initially, but it is when we know the person that we fall in love. The more you talk about this the batter, because these thoughts only have power when they go round and round in our head. Off to get ds from school now x

yeh i think i am too cazee. but more on this thread in rl. ive said it a few times havent i? i didnt mean too as its not that bit that matters to me so much.. please ignore that - its more getting over the fear of being pg again with dh i need to overcome.