This is probably going to be quite long. I'm asking for advice as I don't have any close friends I can talk to and I don't have a great relationship with my mum.
DH and I met 13 years ago, we have been married 12 years and have a 4 year old DS. During the first year of our relationship (before marriage) I didn't treat DH well very well. I remained friends with my ex partner of 9 years (the relationship ended 4 years before I met my DH) and I would still speak with him or have a drink with him from time to time, there was absolutely nothing romantic in it and neither of us had those feelings for each other any more. I used to talk (a lot) about what a cool/ great guy he was to my now DH, he was in truth a selfish dick but I really didn't want my lovely and very confident DH to think I was a weak, low esteem doormat who had spent 9 years of her life with a person who in all honesty wasn't good enough even on his best day. Obviously this hurt and upset DH and DH obviously couldn't stand him even though they hadn't met. One day we in a were in a pub together and ex walked in with his friends - I panicked and instead of ignoring him I walked over to say hello and left DH standing alone at the bar. It was a shitty thing for me to do and I did it because I was afraid of a confrontation - I was weak and selfish and I did it to save my feelings rather than think about DH's. To put everything in context XP's sister was also my best friend (since years before XP and I got together) and I was very close to the family. Obviously we had a huge row about what happened, I never really apologised.
DH and I were emigrating overseas and having a leaving party - he expressly asked me not to invite my best friend or her mum (of course XP wasn't invited) as it was about us and not the past. Both of them turned up at the party and it was awful. Another huge row and I didn't really apologise.
We emigrated, married and settled overseas. I cut off all of XP's family. Many huge rows over the years during which I apologised, but the apologies weren't great, I'm not a good communicator really and find feelings really hard to express. (Previous abusive relationship before XP and abandonment issues from parents marriage breakup when little). DH struggled for years with feeling I betrayed him at the beginning when he was giving everything and I was holding back, I wouldn't let go of the past and my friends because I was scared and didn't fully trust him yet. He went onto antidepressants for 6 years and has told me that this was a major contributing factor to his anxiety. He was vengeful for a couple of years post marriage and treated me poorly at times. There was never any infidelity on either side.
I finally gave him a full and frank apology with the true reasons for my behaviour (selfishness, fear, weakness) 10 years later during another Massive fight about it. He said he could forgive now he had a real apology
We had a row a couple of nights ago about sex of all things, he feels he initiates most of the time which he does. I blew it out of proportion and said he was saying I was crap and boring in bed etc, we went to bed on the row and next morning he text to say let's move on and not fight and I sent him a scathing text back saying he couldn't take back what he'd said and I'd never feel the same, we should never have married etc - I know, I'm a dick :( . We had another huge row when he got in and it transpires that he can never forgive that first year and I'll just have to live with it, he says no man could forgive that. He says he has resigned himself to the fact that we are human and not perfect and we have to live with each other's failings ( mine are many I know) and we both have the marriage we deserve. I asked him why he doesn't leave - he's still young enough to meet another and have a great marriage and more kids ( which we wanted but I'm to old now). He said he loves me and he doesn't want a blended family, he's 38 and this is his lot in life, we have to suck it up.
95% of the time we have a great time! I love him, he loves me and we have a nice life together. I don't want to leave him. But this has permeated or marriage from the start. I should have apologised sooner I know, he was hurting and I did nothing to stop that. But if he won't forgive me how can we ever move on - how can I ever be anyone but that person who walked over to her ex and left him standing. I hate the thought he has 'settled' for a marriage instead of being happy. I don't know what to do.