Sex

[BookAngel]

Can we talk about sex on here? New and can't join the sex group yet.

If it’s related to relationships you can start it here

Ok here goes. I appreciate this is an ex I'm talking about and some people might say just move on but I'm not sure what normal is anymore so this is for future reference really. My ex struggled to orgasm through intercourse itself and I often had to finish him off so to speak in other ways. He said I was lucky to be able to orgasm as previous girlfriends hadn't been able to and he'd never really been able to satisfy a woman in bed (I think it's weird that NONE of them were satisfied by him.) He said the ex before me was very particular in bed and was very critical if things weren't done the way she wanted. However I noticed that this was how he was really. He needed certain positions to be able to orgasm if at all and I'd be wishing to hell he'd just hurry up as I was sore and yet numb at the same time. He'd then give up and I'd have to do something else which made me feel like a teenager. I tried talking to him as I felt very emotionally unfulfilled at not being able to satisfy him without a LOT of effort. I felt I had to have sex in certain ways otherwise he couldn't get off. He also "needed" light to be able to stay hard and would huff and puff if I didn't want the lights on. He claims my pleasure was his pleasure but it made me feel like I was selfish. I started to dread going to bed as I knew I'd be disappointed in the end result. He refused to accept it as a problem despite the fact it made me unhappy and I'd asked if there was anything that would help improve things. He just wasn't interested. Now my past sex life has been generally mutually satisfying and my partners always orgasmed through intercourse. I'd had a similar problem with one partner and he and my ex were both obese and I wonder if that's an influence. The other guy did eventually orgasm through intercourses, it just took forever. Is this a normal thing? I know lots of people have premature ejaculation issues and I should perhaps have considered myself lucky but it made me really upset, like I'd failed, and I don't want to be worrying in any potential future relationships that I'm going to fail. He was subtlety controlling in other areas and I wonder if this was in fact his way of controlling our sex life. I've been gaslighted so much I have no idea what's normal now. Sorry for the long post!

Any thoughts?

I’m confused what the question is?

I guess it's like I said, is it normal? Was he just trying to control me in bed too?

It does seem like that. He has some issues going on that it’s not up to you to deal with, yes you should want to satisfy your partner but he should want to satisfy you also. It seems like he only cared about getting off.

I wouldn't have automatically jumped to that conclusion. Men are as different as women in bed. I've come across some that find it difficult, or even impossible, to come during traditional intercourse.

That said, his attitude in relation to it sounds it is stinks.

What is that is still worrying you about this? Has this knocked your confidence?

It's part of the greater scheme of the relationship I guess which was slightly controlling. He was apparently satisfied if he got me off and said he wasn't bothered if he came or not but I'm not convinced. It's the way he "needed" things his way or basically not my way, and told me I was making something out of nothing. I've had a few failed relationships and the men were all controlling when I look back. I'm trying to break that pattern and thought this guy was very different to all the previous ones but I think the controlling was very, very subtle and disguised far better than in previous relationships. I was raped by a boyfriend at a young age and sexually abused by my ex husband and am really wary of sex although I love it.

In what other ways was he controlling?

He would play the victim, react badly to criticism and turn everything back onto me and tell me it wasn't an issue, that I was being silly about things that upset me.

Lots of comments about how his latest ex would do x y and z and when I behave in a certain way (air an issue and try to resolve it, or don't want sex because I'm tired or in pain for example) that I'm just like her and the relationship is doomed and everything is falling apart. So my response is naturally to reassure him and lo and behold it all becomes about my behaviour and how he feels rather than the things that I feel need addressing and working on. Gaslighting??

He sounds horrible OP. Personally, it doesn't sound normal or right to me. Sex should be mutually enjoyable - of course people are into all sorts of things so I'm not suggesting there is a 'right' way to have sex but everyone involved should feel safe and happy. The fact you were often in pain and dreaded it speaks volumes - most people would be horrified if that's how their partner felt and would want to rectify the issue, not force it on you. I am glad this man is now an ex. Moving forward, always always prioritise yourself - your safety and happiness are the most important thing. If you find yourself compromising those things again because whoever you are dating is pressuring / guilting / manipulating you into doing what they want, walk away. Immediately. Look after yourself first and foremost.

Thank you Kat. He would always tell me I was in control of things and could stop whenever I wanted but I knew he'd be quietly annoyed or sulk.
One red flag fairly recently was at a swimming pool. He kept touching my bum and I asked him to stop seeing as my child was there and we were in a public place. I'd told him before about this too. He started doing it again in the bubble pool and I got really annoyed having already told him several times to stop and he launched himself out of the water and sat on the benches sulking. He said he was showing me affection and couldn't see my problem. He knew I'd been sexually assaulted before as a teenager (didn't know the details but didn't need to) so I was seriously pissed with him. He just didn't get it and saw it as a rebuke of his affections and a rejection of him. I was being just like his ex. I told him straight it was totally unacceptable to grope me in public and certainly in front of my child. It's NOT affection to grope my ass. He had a major strop over this.

He definitely sounds incredibly sensitive to criticism and like he has an inability for self reflection. Not a good combination.

How did the relationship end?

With me telling him I'd had enough of him and wouldn't tolerate his behaviour anymore and as he refused to even acknowledge the issues nevermind work on them, that I had no option but to end things. He essentially said the issues weren't issues and that it was a shame things had ended like this but that it wasn't led by him. So all my fault then!

It's good that you stood up for yourself. Although, it must have been hurtful that he didn't want to acknowledge any reality other than his own. I suppose he doesn't have the self esteem to be able to be introspective enough to identify when he might be wrong.

Are you still in contact now?

Was he called Mat by any chance? Lol. Sounds just like my ex. Turned out he was addicted to porn. Had to have lights on, 4 years with him and I never orgasmed, he did everytime but never piv.
He went on to turn abusive after we got engaged. Had always been a victim and controlled money but physical stuff began later. Wish I'd had mumsnet then, I'd have understood and got out so much faster.
Is he really worth it op? Imagine a lifetime of that.

Was, not is as you've wisely walked away!

We are. We have a short break booked next month and have said we'll go as friends but I'm massively wavering. I was going no contact as last said we'd sort details nearer the time and have no reason to contact each other apart from to arrange details of times etc for the trip. He contacted me after 2 days asking how I was and if I was having a nice weekend and we chatted a bit over the weekend. I'm not contacting him again now until I need to. Just need head space.

Lemony I'm sorry you experienced that, it's awful. Glad you walked away too.
Golden, he was on medication but changed to a better one after discussing with his doctor but the problem continued. I orgasmed every time but he only did about half the time and it upset me so much.

Op please don't meet up with him or be in contact with him.

Go nc and block him from being able to contact you.

He is not good for your self esteem, he does not respect you and he is being abusive.

Please do not put yourself in any further situation with him being there.

Have you done the freedom program? It would be worth doing so that you can recognise red flags that may pop up in future relationships. It will also help to empower you now with regards to this 'man'.

Occam, I've not heard of that. The touching my bum thing was a major no and showed disrespect for my feelings and personal boundaries. And he sulked because I wouldn't allow him to push those boundaries. He has no boundaries with his ex wife and could t see my issues there. Called my LO (who was 2 at the time) controlling and said "wonder where you get that from...." in a jokey way but still.

I'm glad my feelings of him being abusive are being echoed here

I wouldn't recommend spending time with him, especially while you are still in this stage of examining the matter in your head.