Making plans for moving out

[Lcar]

I posted a while back about wanting to leave my husband of 22 years but being nervous of leaving.

He accused me of cheating yesterday (which I'm not), and told me it's over and he wants a divorce.
Oh, the relief!

I think he is expecting me to beg forgiveness and do everything in my power to get him back, but this time I have to make that step and break free...

I had a long talk with my daughter today (now nearly 21, the one whose wrists he had gripped and was screaming in the face of some years ago when my younger children rushed out to me saying daddy's going to hit her...). She says she has noticed for the first time the intensity of loathing he looks at me with, and that she is concerned for me and her sister, now 13, who he doesn't like much and is jealous of.

So I'm putting my plans into place and this time, I promise, I'm getting out.

I've got myself onto the housing register for a house big enough for me and the children, though there's nothing available at the moment.

I have found out that I may be able to get help with finances (including deposit for private rental) from my employer (I'm a civil servant).

And I'm having counselling sessions (again through work), starting on Wednesday.

I'm in touch with my sister-in-law (who divorced my husband's brother about 12 years ago), as well as a very old friend who has offered sleeping space for me and the younger children at a moment's notice.

If possible, I want him to think he's doing the leaving.

I'm a bit concerned that he has started to go through my work bag and other belongings. My daughter's helping me to change passwords etc.

I'm going to check in fairly regularly here over the next little while until I make arrangements.

Wish me luck...
Here's to the rest of my life :)
If there are things I need to think of, or benefits I'm entitled to and should apply for, please shout!
Thank you x

Well done for making the decision - that's the hardest part.

Have you seen a solicitor? If not, do that asap. Try to keep your work bag with you if you can - in your bedroom overnight? (Assuming you no longer share a room). Maybe try the grey rock technique... keep padding away like mad under the surface though with the solicitor etc.

Good luck.

SLowy get the important and sentimental stuff out of the house.
Get your daughter or friends and other family to take it in their stuff.
Be prepared to leave or call the police at a moments notice. He sounds like he could get nasty.

I'm speaking to a solicitor through work this afternoon - I have one hour free consultation. What do I need to remember to ask? Thanks

Thank you both. Yes, I'll keep my work bag close to me. I have the kids' birth certificates and passports in there, so I need to find a better hiding place... I had never heard of the grey rock technique - great advice. I think things are rolling faster than expected and he might actually leave me first - I found a list of 1 bed flats by his computer. If he walks out very fast, I will be stuck with a rented house I can't afford as he currently pays the rent. Any suggestions? Many thanks

Trying to remember everything my solicitor asked me (sorry if this is a bit late now).

I think you need as much detail as possible on: salaries; pensions; value of property/ies; borrowings/mortgage; how long married; how many children and ages...etc.

Hope this is of some help and I hope everything goes well today.

HI - well done on your decision and arrangements so far OP.

Is your landlord likely to be sympathetic? Could you explain the situation to them in confidence? How much notice would you have to give?
Hope all went well with solicitor.

Nothing useful - just good luck!

It is scary how fast the temptation creeps back to just let things be and hope that it improves...

I'm sitting here, with my heart racing as I don't know what bizarre reason he will find to get angry about next, maybe not for a few days but when I least expect it.
He doesn't (too) often explode, but instead he'll confuse me by saying
something which is the opposite of what I know to be true and swearing blind that I am wrong, or be a bit mean about something I'm quite proud of and devalue it, or call me 'lumpy' or 'trout' or useless or stupid, or say 'you've finally found something you're not too bad at'.
It sounds almost like a compliment, and if the smile were a genuine loving smile, it would be a sweet joke.

I was trying to remember when it stopped being a joke. It certainly doesn't feel like a joke now - and then I wonder if I'm being over-sensitive.
But I believe it is intended to hurt me, to keep me begging for scraps of approval.

But still in spite of all that, I'm feeling that maybe I should just leave things as they are - the devil you know and all that.
It is honestly astonishing what you learn to put up with.

I spoke to a really lovely solicitor through the free employee assistance scheme at work today, who gave some great advice:
Stay put in the house at all costs.
Do not move until I am faced with bailiffs. That way I have not made myself 'intentionally homeless', and the council must house me and the children.
Get myself on the housing register (which I already have).
The solicitor asked, am I stressed and anxious and not sleeping? (Yes). So he advised me to get a doctor's appointment and get referred or treated for it - and explain the real reason (not making up some story to explain it as I always have before).
Then issue divorce proceedings on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (controlling, emotionally abusive) and apply for maintenance.
There was an occasion last year when my husband didn't like my friend's point of view in a discussion they were having, so he decided he was going to throw my friend out, and proceeded to shove him off his chair and forcibly push him out of the house.

Anyway, with medical records as proof of grounds for divorce, I would be eligible for a legal aid solicitor.

But it will be a huge effort to go through that. Messy, painful, would get much worse before it could get better...

We haven't spoken tonight, but my son says his dad's coming round to the idea that I was telling the truth about not cheating.

I'm prepared to bet that within a day or so, he will be behaving as if nothing has happened. He won't mention his accusation. He won't apologise for accusing me of something i haven't done. He will say something like 'its silly to waste 23 years, let's give it another go', but that I need to sell my daughter's pony (so I can spend all the money on him) and 'buy better food' for the family instead.

And when I say I won't sell the pony as it's like selling our pet dog, he will make a face of anger and disgust, and chalk the proof of my stupidity and irresponsibility and lack of care for him up ready to throw in my face at a later date...

Which is why I must go through with this, however difficult it is.

I may well still have to sell the pony, but it will be because it is my choice and the right thing to do - not because I am bullied into it.
Free choice - that's what I'm missing.

Oh my goodness it is difficult to hold onto the determination to stop the cycle.
I'm going to need your help please, guys... Keep me on track...
Thank you
x

It may feel easier to slip back into your routine but it wouldn't make you or your children happy.

You have an incredible life ahead of you! The next part of your journey is going to be hard but so worth it and you'll be able to look back at this decision with pride and joy.

You're doing great xxx

It will be messy and painful - I'm right in the middle of divorce proceedings now, so I know that's true. But you can do it and you will do it for your sake and your children's sake. The way he speaks to you alone is just appalling.

Keep going and keep posting on here - we will support you.

Thank you both.

The more I hear and the more I read, the more I recognise that I've been married to a narcissist.

It all matches so perfectly.
That makes me feel much better in a strange way - I wasn't going nuts, he was manipulating me.

I don't think this will be easy...
Thank you for your help - I will check in often.

Any tips on avoiding the worst of the quicksand? Xx

I wasn't going nuts, he was manipulating me

Exactly this and I'm really glad you recognised that as you'll now be able to spot it in the future. The gaslighting, the telling you you're wrong about things you KNOW you're not wrong about... it's all a play to get into your head and control you.

Great that you have had some legal advice, did they have any advice on getting HIM out?

I'm so sorry for the way he has treated you OP. Please, please be careful when leaving him. Is there someone - friends or family - nearby that you could stay with for a while? I know it SO shouldn't be you who has to leave but I feel like getting out of that house would be hugely beneficial to you. Please take care xxxx

Ah sorry I've just re-read what the solicitor said... forget my advice. But take care of yourself!

Remember you will likely get housing benefit and possibly tax credits so you should be able to stay put.

Keep on being brave, remember if he starts being threatening and scaring you dial 999

Thank you all. No news, but the children and I are hanging in there. He's still here, but we are drifting around each other, so we're confrontation-free. I've had a session with the counsellor, who was sweet and concerned and reinforced that I'm doing the right thing.
I've spoken to citizens advice, and have pages and pages of advice to go through. I've spoken to his mum, who I get on well with, and she is staying out of it.
It's hard to concentrate at work, but I have a couple of sympathetic and supportive friends looking out for me, and my immediate boss knows the score and is also being great.
I'll keep paddling on under the surface...

Glad to hear you've progressed a bit and that there's been no confrontation. Keep going, you're doing so well.

He moaned to my son today about how cruel I am being.
He said that as he is dying of a heart condition, I should be spending all my money on buying him the very best food. And he was extremely angry with me for spending money on my daughter's pony.
My son, bless him, backed me up, saying that there's plenty of food in the house.
He got very angry with me on Saturday, when we went shopping and I said I wasn't spending more than a specific budget.
In fact that is what sparked this particular bit of nastiness.
His argument is that I shouldn't be spending any money on my daughter's pony.
I have a weekly food budget which includes fresh veg, whole grains, lean meat - all the food which I looked up and is recommended as being good for heart health.
But of course that's not good enough.
I actually don't think he's as ill as he's making out. I managed to get a peek (and a photo) of a letter from the hospital which says he has normal biventricular function and mildly dilated left atrium. I'm going to find someone who can translate that for me, but I'd be interested to know if that genuinely means he's dying.
My poor son doesn't deserve that - he had GCSE work he needed to do tonight.
I'm looking to get the children and I out of this house as fast as I can, notwithstanding the solicitor's advice - I don't want them to be at his mercy.
Thank you for your support

Sounds like a horrific situation and one where once you leave it you'll go through a period of rediscovering who you are, what your real opinions are (not ones influenced by him),

Practically do you need to think about prioritising money for you and your daughter? IMO a pony is a luxury and that money might be better saved for housing/furniture/ solicitors costs which unfortunately rack up at a rate of knots.

I know only too well how difficult it is to leave a relationship like this but have you considered how hard it will be to stay? Just imagine yourself in exactly the same situation (or worse -they don't improve) in 2, 5,10years? Mine told me it didn't matter how unhappy I was, he wasn't going to change and I should just stay with him. I am in the middle of a very long complicated messy divorce but have long passed the tipping point of thinking of going back to a controlling marriage. Stay strong for yourself and to give an example to your children that no-one has to tolerate that sort of life. Best of luck. Message me if you would like to.

I'm no cardiologist but that doesn't sound like impending deathOP ...I presume he's making a mountain out of a molehill in order to control you

You are so doing the right thing, OP, and when you want to give in for a quiet life, keep moving ahead for your children.

Has he stopped talking about moving out?

Btw, if his name is on the rental agreement, then he's still responsible for the rent, even if he has moved out.

Hi,
Thank you again.
I really appreciate your support.
Just want to say that I appreciate the pony is a luxury, and my daughter isn't currently speaking to me as I've told her we need to sell lol - but they are my only remaining capital on the hoof, so to speak. If I sell now, I will lose a lot of money, as neither are at their best (one very thin after winter and needs to put on weight, one just starting work after an old injury).
If I bide my time just a little more, I will have a little nestegg when I need it - otherwise I'm afraid it will get wittled away again if I'm still with him...
But I genuinely appreciate your sensible feedback and advice, so please keep giving it.
Thank you all x

It's still easy to give up, but my children are being a strong support, especially my older daughter.
I've also spoken to my son who is away at uni now - I was waiting until after an exam he had on Wednesday. He also understands and supports me.
OH hasn't mentioned moving out since the beginning of the week.
We still aren't really speaking though.
I'm trying to plan things for the weekend, as I predict a difficult, uncomfortably silent and negative environment otherwise - hopefully we will go and see a few houses.