Making plans for moving out

[Lcar]

I posted a while back about wanting to leave my husband of 22 years but being nervous of leaving.

He accused me of cheating yesterday (which I'm not), and told me it's over and he wants a divorce.
Oh, the relief!

I think he is expecting me to beg forgiveness and do everything in my power to get him back, but this time I have to make that step and break free...

I had a long talk with my daughter today (now nearly 21, the one whose wrists he had gripped and was screaming in the face of some years ago when my younger children rushed out to me saying daddy's going to hit her...). She says she has noticed for the first time the intensity of loathing he looks at me with, and that she is concerned for me and her sister, now 13, who he doesn't like much and is jealous of.

So I'm putting my plans into place and this time, I promise, I'm getting out.

I've got myself onto the housing register for a house big enough for me and the children, though there's nothing available at the moment.

I have found out that I may be able to get help with finances (including deposit for private rental) from my employer (I'm a civil servant).

And I'm having counselling sessions (again through work), starting on Wednesday.

I'm in touch with my sister-in-law (who divorced my husband's brother about 12 years ago), as well as a very old friend who has offered sleeping space for me and the younger children at a moment's notice.

If possible, I want him to think he's doing the leaving.

I'm a bit concerned that he has started to go through my work bag and other belongings. My daughter's helping me to change passwords etc.

I'm going to check in fairly regularly here over the next little while until I make arrangements.

Wish me luck...
Here's to the rest of my life :)
If there are things I need to think of, or benefits I'm entitled to and should apply for, please shout!
Thank you x

KOKO

If he's going through your bags is there any chance you can keep your paperwork etc at work?

Good idea, I've got birth certificates and passports in my desk at work, and bank statements, tax credit forms, my pension statements etc in a bag in my car at the moment.
What else should I look for?
I think I'll sort a photo album, and hide away a few items of jewellery and precious things that my mum gave me.
There must be more paperwork I need?
I can't actually find our marriage certificate, but I know I can request a copy. I don't think he's got it - I couldn't find it last time I looked so I think it is just lost.

I'd add some copies of things you often need for ID when applying for a rental. Council tax statement. Contact details for current landlord. Payslips.

I know the solicitor said to not leave the home, but that advice is standard where the property is an asset of the marriage. In your case it's rented which kind of negates that - and would you rather start with a clean slate, without all the horrible memories?

Good idea, thanks. Yes, I would definitely rather start afresh - the children and I need our own space which isn't full of negative memories. I'm hoping we can (quietly) go and look at some houses this weekend. I agree, that's good advice from the solicitor (and would apply if I had absolutely no option to rent in my own account), but it's not right for me. It's getting a bit tense at home, so I would like to get me and the kids out...

He ended up in hospital again last night (well, that's what he said) having blood tests after another heart episode. I asked last night if he wanted me to go to the hospital to be with him and he said no. I did wait up reading, but I eventually fell asleep, and he's angry that I didn't give him a welcome reception. I checked that his car was
there when I woke in the night though (which it was).
I did point out this morning that he'd told me last week that we're over and he wants a divorce, so what did he really expect - and his reply was that the divorce thing was a threat to try to make me be more loving to him, not what he actually wanted.
Um, ok.
I've seen various people who can help including a local women's aid outreach centre, and had 2 sessions of counselling, which is helpful.
And I have an initial appointment with a solicitor tomorrow.
We've found a house that we think will suit me and the kids, and if we're very careful we can cover the costs.
Nothing has really changed, I just don't really understand it all.

KOKO

I suspect last night was a stunt to reel you in.

How's it going, OP? Was the solicitor helpful? Made any progress with the house?

Hi, thanks for thinking of me.
The solicitor was pleasant and helpful but oh my god the whole legal divorce thing is depressing and enough to put you off it for good.

I'm feeling confused.

After the heart episode last week (which I think was genuine as he had a follow up appointment at the hospital), on Wednesday evening he was very upset and breaking down.
In the morning he had asked me if I accepted a divorce as he was seeing a solicitor. I don't think he did see a solicitor incidentally - it was just to hurt me. I told him I would accept it and that I didn't love him any more.
Wednesday wasn't a good day.

I looked after him as best I could Wednesday evening and he said he really doesn't want a divorce, and wants to stay together but he's miserable and didn't know what else to do. He was crying and shaking and I have to say I was a bit concerned for him.

I told him that it is not ok to play with people's emotions like that and he was apologetic, conciliatory, recognising that it was wrong.

On Thursday morning he was behaving as if nothing's happened, loving and caring, but I didn't want him thinking everything's ok so I said we still need to separate.

He replied that he'll do whatever necessary to stay together, and have counselling etc but he doesn't want to 'let the best thing that's ever happened to him' go.

He suggested a weekend away and all sorts, but I'm certainly not ready for that, and said so, but I said that provided he gets help with dealing with his depression and that he changes his behaviour that I'm willing to work on things.

The weekend has been nice, he's been very loving and sensitive and actually if he'd always been like this I would never ever have considered leaving.

But there is always the worry that it's an act and that things will revert. That has always been what the children are most worried about - that things will be ok for a while and then the cycle will start again, and it's always at the back of my mind.
I can't allow my confidence to be smashed again.

It's been particularly easy to have a good weekend as our older children are now home from university for easter, so it all feels homely and happy.

I had arranged to see a house on Friday (which we did), and to go for Sunday lunch with a friend (to get out of the house with the children). I'm not going to let my friend down after she's been good enough to stand by me, so we went anyway, and it was a good way to show that time with friends is non-negotiable, and he was ok about it.

I'm also going out with friends on Thursday, and he's also arranged to go to a leaving do with work on Thursday. Which actually is fantastic - far more normal.

Tonight (Monday) was fine, but the little grumpiness-es were creeping in, and late on he let slip something that happened last week, when we weren't speaking but I'd sent him a message explaining how there were things I'd done wrong but that he'd hurt me, and that there could still be a way forward and I was keen to meet him halfway to make things work.

At the time in spite of my tears he'd said it was rubbish and 'just words', and I'd replied that my words were from the heart. I remember saying 'you really are a bastard aren't you, where did I ever go wrong'.

I went to work crying, very confused and distressed.

He actually brought that up as something that made him laugh - he said he 'couldn't believe I was exonerating myself from doing anything wrong' and that he laughed all the way to work.

I was quiet for a while processing that, as it made me feel a bit sick.

We had words after, and I can kind of see that he has no sensitivity and no empathy, no way of understanding or connecting with my point of view or feeling.

He also claimed that he has a date on Thursday and he's not actually going out with work, but I simply don't believe that.

I asked about a time that he behaved in a very odd way around Christmas. We were driving to get the Christmas dinner food, and I told him that I'd been put forward for an award at work, and I expected him to say well done babe, that's fantastic, but instead he said how I'm not an achiever, I never deliver, and that he's a 'results person' and will only ever be impressed if I have genuine results. It was really odd, really illogical and really unkind, and just blew me away. I remember sitting in total silence listening to this tirade. So I asked why he said that. He was angry with me for asking, said he couldn't remember and didn't know and that if I want to start digging stuff up from the past did I want him to do the same...

We left it there.

But I see that the cycle will go on and on and nothing can ever change, no matter how much I want it to.

He apologised this morning, but said he still doesn't see why it's wrong to laugh at something that upset me, and he doesn't think there's any need to drag up something that happened last week.

Ok, back to looking for houses.
Neither of the ones we've seen will support 5 of us (when the older children are home from uni), but one will turn up, I hope.

I'm feeling depressed, confused, annoyed with myself for letting myself be fooled again, but more focussed.

I have an opportunity at work that I cannot let slip. I have to stay strong and undamaged. I'll bide my time over Easter, and then get out with the kids.
At least I tried, one last time...

You need to get out - as you've said he won't change, he might be nice for. A few days but then the real him comes out. Have you checked what benefits you would be entitled to ? You might be surprised.

Just make sure it's the last time, he is going to make it very difficult for you to leave so dig deep and be prepared

It is exhausting trying to get on with a partner who can't or won't understand basics about being a decent human being!

I had similar with a boyfriend who talked to his friend in front of me about how great in bed his previous gf had been. (We hadn't slept together at this point.) He was so adamant that this was a perfectly acceptable thing to do that even now I'm not sure if it's a good example of why I should have left him.

Anyway, I didn't - instead I married him. And he said just the same sort of things that your H has: why are you dredging up the past? About things from a week before. Or if you're going to bring that up, I could bring up loads of things about you. Which handily deflected attention away from the issue I wanted to resolve.

He was a narcissist too, I'm sure of it. He genuinely seemed to forget anything he'd done which didn't fit with his idealised image of himself.

You, OTOH, are clearly a caring, genuine and empathetic individual. So you have him another chance. Good for you. And now it's clearer to you how difficult, if not impossible, it is for him to change. I think it's virtually impossible, and even if he did change he'd not be able to have a healthy relationship with you because of all the learnt damaging behaviours.

Anyway, you don't need to hear that, because you're on your way out and making small steps towards freedom. Hope the opportunity at work goes well and you get some time to relax over the BH weekend.

When he has a health scare he back peddles & wants to patch it up. Funny that !Except the nasty piece of work can't even keep it up for more than a day.
Get out, even if the new house is a bit too small, when the oldest kids are home, you can maybe squash in ? talk to DC & ask them how they feel.
Yes it is downsizing, but your finances are changing.
It will make the rent less, & maybe you can keep the pony !

How are things going, OP?

Hi there, thankyou for staying with me, I really, really appreciate your support.
Things have been up and down as ever, a little bit more amicable sometimes and then hell as soon as I try to deal with anything.

As expected, things were a bit better for the 2 weeks that our older children were home, but deteriorated when term started and became really crap again.

I’ve been a bit proud of myself for standing up for a few non-negotiables - I signed up for an experienced managers course at work, and some of it seems to have rubbed off! I even went to London for a day to handle an event with work, which went really well. So work is good.

I’m not really sure what the final catalyst was - maybe it showed in my behaviour that I just don’t love him any more, even though I still struggle to say that to him - but we finally spoke about separating as a two-way conversation, and went as far as to discuss sharing furniture, pets etc.

He is looking at a house today, and the kids and I have a viewing booked on Tuesday.

The house we’re looking at is small, cosy, walking distance to school and shops, and the older kids can come and go as they please as it’s close to the bus - and we can have the pets there.

I’ve spoken to the kids about getting themselves part time jobs so they have a bit of cash for themselves (as there’s no getting round the fact that I’m going to struggle), and they are very positive about it. It’s also close to my mother-in-law’s house, so maybe the kids can catch up with their dad there - he is moving back to his home town 20 miles away.

It has been an extremely difficult week as my car has been off the road, and we’ve had to share a lift to work all week - an hour of stony silence stuck in traffic jams in a small metal box morning and evening... But I’ve managed to get a good deal on my car, and it’s being fixed on Monday.

OH and I are barely communicating. We eat in different rooms, I’ve moved my stuff out of our bedroom, and the atmosphere is not very nice at all, but the kids and I are getting out with the dogs a lot, and hanging on to the good stuff. My son is being very fair, giving his dad time and support as well, and I’m proud of him. He has GCSEs starting next week, so this could not have come at a worse time for him, but he’s a very laid back character and seems to be coping.

Things are going to be very difficult indeed I think for the next month, but I’ll keep it practical. I don’t think I want to take much of our stuff - too many bad memories.

I have been having counselling through work, which was great, but unfortunately finished just at the wrong time.

I’m anxious about the next month, but excited about a fresh start. The tears aren’t far from the surface though.

My friends are rallying round and being very kind.
My friend whose same-sex husband my OH shoved off a chair and pushed out of the house a year ago has offered to help us move and put up curtain poles etc. And I have a night out in London booked in June with my best friends from university. There is lots to look forward to.

But some really difficult stuff to get through first.

I’ll check in here often.
Thanks for your support x

Well done, Lcar, you are doing a great job of it! Very mature, even though you are obviously scared of the unknown. It will be so much better for everyone. Good luck.

I keep remembering little snippets from the last few weeks. The bull...t hasn’t stopped.

One (or both?) of our dogs has started to make a mess in the house - very unpleasant. OH thought it is our older dog - but she has been clean and house trained for 11 years, and she isn’t showing signs of really ageing yet, so I suspected the younger dog, who is particularly demanding. Anyway, I suggested that we should separate them at night so that we can see which one is making the mess. For 3 nights running the mess was in the sitting room, where the younger dog is, and the old dog was clean - so I thought that was fairly conclusive, and said so. But no - I’m told that it means nothing, that obviously she only pees when he does. What?!

I used to think that I must be wrong, that I must be going crazy to think what I thought. Mmm, I don’t think so.

My friend asked me whether OH had looked into counselling, as he promised he would - the answer (not surprisingly) is no.
But he thought it was ok to ask me 2 weeks ago (while we were still speaking) whether I’m bipolar. Again, the doubts and worries used to creep in - is there something wrong with me? Should I get checked up? But Im pretty sure now there’s nothing wrong with me.

I advertised his golf clubs for sale (with his permission), and he said in front of our daughter how devastated he is to have to give them up, and that it’s a real wrench and so unfair. He hasn’t touched them for about 10 years.
But he didn’t think twice about how our little girl feels about giving up the pony that she hugs and feeds and rides every day.

Someone’s coming to see the pony tomorrow - I hope they’ll have him, as I need to free myself up from some of my responsibilities.

It will be very important for me to remember over the next weeks/months that I must not expect kindness/compassion.

I suggested at the beginning of the week that we go down the ‘separate for 2 years before filing for divorce’ route - but he is obsessed with grounds for divorce.

He told me that he’s going to file on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour because of my ‘abuse’ of him, in not looking after him properly and spending money on the pony and not on food for him.

I’m afraid I will have to go the ‘solicitor all the way’ route. Sad, but inevitable I guess.

Well done. Be strong and look forward to getting your own life back. Whatever he does with his you are not responsible for.