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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you think this is ok? (swinging)

50 replies

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 22:16

Had a few drinks with a friend last night. I've been having a hard time at the moment myself, which is partly why I'm interested in other's opinions as it may just be that I'm being oversensitive and doesn't cause harm.

Anyway, my friend is married with 2 DC 12 and 14. She had a few drinks last night and confessed that he and her DH sleep with other couples.

I'm fairly liberal minded and I assumed it was some kind of 'scene' where they get a babysitter and go to a party or something (I appreciate I dom't know much about these things and it's all based on cliches like pamapass grass and keys in a bowl!)

Anyway, she said that's not what they do. Basically, they have several friends who are couples, who her DH has basically convinced into doing this with them?!

I know her from work, not in coupley way if that makes sense, so I haven't been aware of how they are as a couple - only met her DH briefly twice, actually.

Anyway, she said they met this other couple when both of them had toddlers and they were both pregnant. Her DH started trying to convince them to start the relationship then?! But the wife in the other couple was not interested when she was pregnant.

But she basically said that after a lot of convincing and drinks they went along with it. This was while both couples had a toddler and newborn each.

They used to go on holidays together with all the kids and swap partners. She said when the DC were still quite tiny she once went away for the weekend with the other man, leaving her DH and the other woman with all the DC. Then the following weekend they swapped again.

Would this not be REALLY confusing for the children.

She said they've often had parties and done this with other couples they're friends with while all the children are upstairs or wandering around.

That the DC have wandered in on them in kitchens while they've had the wrong wife sitting on the wrong knee, if that makes sense?

She thinks it's all fine and just a bit of fun. The DC just think they are all really lovely family friends and the kid are growing up like siblings.

I hate to be judgey but I'm really shocked by it.

Apart from anything else I rather got the impression that it was all led by her DH - who won't take no for an answer from other couples and just gradually wears them down by pestering them.

Sorry if this is a long post, as I say my head is a bit all over place with my own stuff at the moment and I didn't know what to make of it.

OP posts:

Ickyockycocky · 11/03/2018 22:19

Sounds massively unlikely to me, especially the bit about your DH convincing others to join in.

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 22:20

No, not my DH. Her DH.

I asked how any of it came about, since they were just normal friends - not people met on any kind of scene.

She just said that her DH was really good at convincing them.

Though I agree that it might not be true. She's not usually one to lie, though, I did believe her (perhaps naively).

OP posts:

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 22:21

I HAVE seen the couple friend she mention from when the children were tiny tagged in lots of joint holidays on fb, so they do definitely go away with them.

Seems weird to lie that they're having sex?

OP posts:

Ickyockycocky · 11/03/2018 22:22

Oh sorry, well her DH then. No one could persuade me to do that no matter how they tried.

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 22:23

Sorry, it was more that I was worried about her children that I posted.

Not whether other people might be like to do it or not, if you see what I mean.

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Ickyockycocky · 11/03/2018 22:25

I do see what you mean and yes I agree about the child aspect. Still sounds highly implausible though.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 11/03/2018 22:25

I would have said it sounds exaggerated but then last week my dad told me that an old friend of his (who I knew as a child) was a swinger and was very open about it, he didn't go with other men himself but watched his wife with other men and went with their wives while they watched, and they held parties where they invited non swingers and their kids. Apparently I went to one of the parties aged about 6 and played with the other kids but my parents left when this bloke suggested to my dad that they join in - I have no memory of this at all and was shocked!

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 22:26

So, if it is as she says it is, do you think this is ok?

Her oldest is a teen now and it's still happening. I can't get my head around how they're not worried about this.

OP posts:

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 22:28

Gretchen, yes, I kind of get the impression that's the kind of thing she says they do..Just, make a lot of friends, have a lot of parties, then try it on with people.

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NotTheFordType · 11/03/2018 22:34

"OK" in what sense? They're living a different relationship model to you, they're not murderers.

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 22:37

From the sense of raising the children in a safe home that prioritises their emotional wellbeing?

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 11/03/2018 22:37

Most swingers leave their kids well away from their activities....but it seems if they've always done this, the kids will be thinking the whole interaction with the other family is normal.

Somerville · 11/03/2018 22:38

I can't see why on earth she'd tell you.

She's either on a wind up, or she wants you to join in, I'm guessing.

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 22:41

Sandy, yes, that's kind of my point. That the children are seeing Mum and Dad with various partners and thinking that's what families and relationships are like.

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 11/03/2018 22:42

This sort of thing is not for me and all the pressure in the world wouldn't make me change my mind , so I think it's a bit odd that other couples have been worn down into doing it. It's really up to them what they do but with teenagers around they need to be careful, kids aren't daft.

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 22:43

I mean. Anything other than them being murderers is fine for their children?

I genuinely don't care about their sex lives, what they do is their business. But they're making it their children's business and I'm really uncomfortable with that.

As I said, I am having a rough time myself at the moment (due to a recent sexual assault) so I accept that I am less likely to dismiss it as harmless good fun because of my own issues.

That's why I'm asking if other people think it's fine. Because it's actually really quite upset me.

OP posts:

NormaNameChange · 11/03/2018 23:03

I think.swinging is fine. It's not for everyone but what happens between consenting adults is perfectly ok and no one elses business but theirs. As for the children - would you be concerned if your friend admitted to being nudists and that her and DH walk around naked at home? What about if your friend was gay and marrying a woman or if they were a polyamorous couple? Or if mum and dad split up and each get new partners. As long as theres no actual sexual activity going on around the children - where is the issue exactly?

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 23:04

Sorry, I obviously didn't clarify, I thought I'd mention in the OP that the DC HAVE walked in on this.

That's my concern.

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Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 23:06

I literally have no idea what you on earth you are trying to imply by saying this:

"What about if your friend was gay and marrying a woman?"

I have stated myself that I have liberal views, where's the need to be so condescending? Did you just fancy popping along to talk down to someone?

I'm posting from a place of genuine concern.

You appear to be here to look down your nose at me.

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GlitterFree · 11/03/2018 23:13

Yuk! Not ok to mix children with this, the most fucked up people I knew growing up had emotionally and sexually incontinent parents.

Somerville · 11/03/2018 23:13

If what you are saying is that this couple are purposefully engaging in sexual activity - whoever it is with - in front of their children, then that is child abuse and you should seek advice on reporting it.
If it's just that they are being affectionate with their multiple sexual partners in front of children then whilst personally I find that disateful, it is not necessarily harmful to the children and certainly not illegal.

Either way, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who had such poor boundaries in all of this. The woman who told you all this sounds awful.

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 23:19

It's hard for me to know exactly what the children have seen in order to discern the line between affection and sexual activity is.

I just know that the children have grown up with this and walked in on it so many times that they have discussed whether to explain it to the DC when they're a little bit older.

She didn't give a lot of detail about that aspect and laughed a lot of it off by saying that the place is always so smokey (they smoke and drink a lot when they have their parties) that the kids struggle to know who is who anyway, haha.

I don't HONESTLY know what the children have seen, just that they have "walked in" on them a lot. So I have no idea if I should just shut up and mind my own business as people seem to be implying it's unimportant.

Or if I should try to ascertain what exactly IS going on as now I'm being told I should report them for child abuse.

I am telling you my starting point, from where I am trying to work out whether or not this is ok, and if I should do more to make sure the children are ok.

OP posts:

Dappledsunlight · 11/03/2018 23:26

I agree that it seems like a form of emotional neglect at worst and at best incredibly short-sighted and selfish behaviour not to protect the children. It would be different if they were engaging in this behaviour outside of the home, away from the children. Even then, there might be an issue with blurred boundaries but that would have to be managed.

Livinglifepeachy · 11/03/2018 23:29

I think I wouldn't be overly concerned as growing up a lot of kids have walked in on parents having sex.. So I don't see how this is any different other than that it might be mummy with the plumber from next door lol 😂

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 23:31

You don't think it would damage you in any way to walk in on your mother having sex with the plumber while she was married to your father?

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