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Original poster

Do you think this is ok? (swinging)

50 replies

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 22:16

Had a few drinks with a friend last night. I've been having a hard time at the moment myself, which is partly why I'm interested in other's opinions as it may just be that I'm being oversensitive and doesn't cause harm.

Anyway, my friend is married with 2 DC 12 and 14. She had a few drinks last night and confessed that he and her DH sleep with other couples.

I'm fairly liberal minded and I assumed it was some kind of 'scene' where they get a babysitter and go to a party or something (I appreciate I dom't know much about these things and it's all based on cliches like pamapass grass and keys in a bowl!)

Anyway, she said that's not what they do. Basically, they have several friends who are couples, who her DH has basically convinced into doing this with them?!

I know her from work, not in coupley way if that makes sense, so I haven't been aware of how they are as a couple - only met her DH briefly twice, actually.

Anyway, she said they met this other couple when both of them had toddlers and they were both pregnant. Her DH started trying to convince them to start the relationship then?! But the wife in the other couple was not interested when she was pregnant.

But she basically said that after a lot of convincing and drinks they went along with it. This was while both couples had a toddler and newborn each.

They used to go on holidays together with all the kids and swap partners. She said when the DC were still quite tiny she once went away for the weekend with the other man, leaving her DH and the other woman with all the DC. Then the following weekend they swapped again.

Would this not be REALLY confusing for the children.

She said they've often had parties and done this with other couples they're friends with while all the children are upstairs or wandering around.

That the DC have wandered in on them in kitchens while they've had the wrong wife sitting on the wrong knee, if that makes sense?

She thinks it's all fine and just a bit of fun. The DC just think they are all really lovely family friends and the kid are growing up like siblings.

I hate to be judgey but I'm really shocked by it.

Apart from anything else I rather got the impression that it was all led by her DH - who won't take no for an answer from other couples and just gradually wears them down by pestering them.

Sorry if this is a long post, as I say my head is a bit all over place with my own stuff at the moment and I didn't know what to make of it.

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 11/03/2018 23:34

Your friend has got to be making this up , surely ? Either that or she's incredible dim. She's almost boasting about the children 'walking in' on them and as for laughing about the room being so smokey ... it sounds pretty far fetched . If it is all true you need to report your concerns .

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 23:37

They are huge chain smokers on nights out, so that doesn't seem remotely far fetched to me.

I have no idea who I would report this too. If I approached social services I'm worried about getting the same sneery attitude some posters here have given.

I have never known her to life before. She had had a few drinks and seemed to think that the whole thing made her very liberal and cool. Very much about her and her DH doing what they wanted to do, there seemed to be no consideration for the DC at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 11/03/2018 23:38

Short of having another conversation about the whole thing and trying to get more out of her I'm not sure what else to do.

Her oldest DC has some quite severe mental health issues. I don't mean for that to be a dripfeed at all, and perhaps it isn't relevant.

OP posts:

GlitterFree · 11/03/2018 23:38

Lol peachy you sound feeble of brains.

CremeFresh · 11/03/2018 23:39

Maybe phone the NSPCC and see what they say?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 11/03/2018 23:44

This really is not the same as a female friend marrying a woman fgs.
It sounds somewhat unboundaried and if it's as she describes, I do find it unsettling.
What people do sexually is private or at least not something children ought to be aware of.
That's very different to an adult having a long-term romantic relationship with another adult of the same sex.
Why do people insist on conflating same-sex relationships with sexual fetishes?

iwanttoeatallthecarbs · 11/03/2018 23:47

It's very messed up op. I don't think it's appropriate for the dc at all. In fact there was a thread on here not long ago swingers, and people were commenting that their parents had done this openly and it had caused them a lot of emotional damage.
I would report it. They absolutely should be protecting their children from their sexual relationships.
I'm sorry about your recent experience too op

Livinglifepeachy · 11/03/2018 23:49

If you really think they are at harm then just call social services.

It depends also on what the parents have told the kids about their relationship. Its hard to say whether outright it's wrong or right it's a greyshade.

Everyone has different opinions what is acceptable to them and what is not.

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 12/03/2018 00:59

Thanks everyone I will try nspcc for advice.

OP posts:

ThatchersCold · 12/03/2018 01:10

Doesn’t sound far fetched to me, though I’m not saying it’s right! I know of someone who is bisexual and in a ‘poly’ relationship with a married couple, she ‘plays’ with them both. Things have progressed to her kids and their kids becoming almost like siblings, and having lots of sleepovers whilst the three adults are doing what they do in the bedroom. It’s all massively fucked up IMO, don’t have any problem with swinging but dragging the kids into it is completely unnecessary. They will be a lot more aware than the adults like to think they are.

notangelinajolie · 12/03/2018 01:18

She is either winding you up or she he has her beady eyes on you as a potential shag.

Either way I find it a bit ewww. Get the hell out of that friendship OP.

Terfinater · 12/03/2018 02:22

If it is true, he's a predeter and she's ok with him pestering people sexually.

She's trying to suggest to you that everyone is doing it and is implying her husband has some sort of power. He doesn't, and she's either disordered, or is trying to set you up for swinging.

I'd avoid. And if you can't, tell her firmly that you are not into it.

I don't see how you can report it without her knowing it's you. I don't think much will happen if you do. They'll ask her and the kids if it's true. They'll say No.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/03/2018 02:26

which part of the couple are you in? if you want out say so.

Areyousureaboutthat · 12/03/2018 02:45

I'm finding the story about the husband wearing people down and not taking no for an answer quite ridiculous. Men typically don't put up with another man mithering to fuck their wives, my husband would hit the roof.
Yup. Unless he was after a new shag too, why would he get 'worn down? Surely he'd just walk away from the persistent weirdo? And if he did fancy it, he'd still have to convince his wife, who I'm betting would also just leave if she was getting hassled. I really don't think shagging another couple is something many couples would be worn down into doing, unless up for it anyway!

Lobsterquadrille2 · 12/03/2018 02:52

I've known plenty of couples who swing, never with children who might walk in! Very tricky for you because if you do report, and the NSPCC of good for giving guidance, she was most likely know that it was you. That doesn't don't report.

Original poster

theroyalcanal · 12/03/2018 11:40

"VladmirsPoutine Mon 12-Mar-18 02:26:49
which part of the couple are you in? if you want out say so."

Award for the most utterly bizarre post on MN goes to you.

OP posts:

userabcname · 12/03/2018 11:46

I know what you mean OP. My cousin walked in on her dad cheating with his OW (kissing not sex) and she was so so upset for a long time. She didn't understand at all as she was only 9 at the time. It seems odd to flaunt it in front of the children for sure. Maybe they have sat them down and explained...but you say some of the kids are very young. Maybe they just brush it off as a joke? I don't know. Hopefully she has exaggerated it a bit and it's not all the time as she makes out! Also I'd have your answer ready in case she wants you to join in!

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 12/03/2018 12:39

I don’t have an issue with the swinging lifestyle, it’s not for me but as long as it’s between consenting adults live and let live. However I think (if she was telling the truth) being so careless when the kids are around is really wrong. When I was 12 I found texts on my dads phone to the OW which really upset me. I can’t even begin to imagine how messed up I would feel if I walked in on either of my parents with another person. I honestly don’t think it’s healthy for the kids at all.

Also I think plying other people with booze and “convincing” them to take part is really dodgy and blurs the line of consent.

I’d be scared she was trying to “convince” you to join in.

BadTasteFlump · 12/03/2018 12:53

The whole idea of swinging is pretty grim IMO. But if it makes people happy and isn't hurting anyone, then it's just something I'd rather not think about too deeply... although I struggle to believe nobody gets hurt in the long run - particularly when, as you suggest, there is one perv man nagging everybody into it anyway (can you really be nagged into something like that? I know I couldn't!).

But I do agree OP that anything like this should be kept entirely separate from any children of the families - and the fact that it isn't is pretty disturbing. I know any couple with children run the risk of being caught ITA, but as responsible parents you do things to minimise that risk. The fact that they're having these 'parties' with children in the house, who could walk in and see god knows what, is abuse IMO, no question.

BadTasteFlump · 12/03/2018 12:54

Also meant to say OP - I would drop your 'friend' like a sack of hot shit...

Stripyhoglets1 · 12/03/2018 13:06

Exposure to innapropriate sexual activity is child abuse. Not the occasional walking in - but the regular activity with no caution for what the children will experience/witness. Not good for them and i'd report it.

catterpillarchrsalisbutterfly · 13/03/2018 10:33

Update: I saw her last night and tried to bring it up again. She hadn't been drinking and was far more tight-lipped about the whole thing.

I'm not sure really sure what to do now, don't know if she was exaggerating whilst drunk or if she's ashamed and trying to cover it now.

Luckyaide · 13/03/2018 13:57

I'd ditch her as quickly as I could, assuming that you will still have to see her in a work context.
Does she know about yr situation? If so it's not exactly sensitive to talk about her set up.
It all sounds v odd to me and lots about power. I respect people's right to own sexlife but this sounds v odd. step away.

SandyY2K · 13/03/2018 14:24

This kind of thing tends to mess up with the kids thinking....and spills over into their adult lives.

I came across a man who was into the cuckold lifestyle and his teenage son came home early grom college to discover his DM having sex with another man.

These things should be done away from the family home.

HolyGoats · 13/03/2018 14:32

As dc’s we used to go on holiday with two other families. The other families had dc’s similar ages to my siblings and I. Looking back on it and some subsequent falling outs that have happened it would certainly appear that there was some swapping going on. It’s none of my business though and I certainly don’t want to know the details! As long as they’re not doing any kind of sexual acts in view/ hearing of dc’s I don’t see the issue.

In my case I know my parents loved each other. I saw the occasional arm round someone else and it wasn’t really confusing. I wouldn’t want to know any more about my parents sex life than anyone else would! I’m a fully functioning human being with a great relationship with my parents.

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