Is my DH behaving like a self centred man-child or do I ask too much? ( Mother's Day)

[Mycarsmellsoflavender]

I'm a bit fed up at the moment and need to vent...

So, its Mothering Sunday. The DCs gave me some lovely handmade cards and flower posies / a biscuit that they'd made at school / nursery which were much appreciated. I made the younger two their breakfasts as usual this morning, dressed them, tidied up the kitchen, put the dishwasher and washing machine on as usual. No help from anyone. Then I overheard DH asking DS if he wanted to go out for a walk in the woods today. I said I had thought it would be a nice idea if they helped me tidy up the garden today as it was a nice sunny morning and I had already mentioned it to the 2 DDs who seemed quite keen on the idea. DH said, "oh, they're coming with me as well but they can do that later, after lunch". Clearly his plans for the day take precedence over mine. I pointed out that the weather forecast was predicting rain from lunchtime onwards so that any outdoor activities would be best done this morning. So I went outside and starting picking up all the plastic balls / flower pots / broken toys / clothes pegs/ plastic bags etc that seem to have spread around the garden and collected under the hedges. I was expecting / hoping that they might come out and join me but about 20 minutes later, they came outside and bundled into the car. At which point I was on my way to the bin with an armful of stuff and stroppily wished DH a happy Mother's Day. He said he didn't know why I was cross so I explained that I hadn't been consulted on the day's plans and he'd planned what should have been a special day for me according to his own agenda. Taking our children out for the morning and leaving me on my own wasn't what I had planned which I thought I'd made clear. So he went back to the car and turfed the children out, telling them "mummy says you can't go", got back in the car with the dog and drove off leaving a 4 year old crying on the driveway. Very adult behaviour.
After realising what he'd done, I rounded up the kids and we had some fun in the garden including some tidying as planned so at least something went well. He came back just before mid day, went straight into the kitchen, made himself a toasted sandwich, nothing for anyone else, leaving me to prepare food for myself and the DCs and clear away afterwards.
I really don't know whether I expect too much or whether he's being a dick. He spent half an hour on the phone to his mum this morning to chat and check whether she received the £40 worth of flowers I prompted him to send, so it's not as though he doesn't know the day / doesn't celebrate it. I realise of course that I'm not his mother but surely it's normal to at least try to make the day special for your wife / mother of your children?

"The rest of the day I would think is just a normal day..."

And if you think what the OP describes is acceptable for a "normal day", with the father of her children just driving off without informing the family, then your bar is set pretty low. What if she did the same?

"There also seem to be a martyr theme to these threads, I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, did some washing, hoovered and then want to clear the garden. If you want a restful lazy day have one. Leave the work for another time! "

So many people can't be arsed to RTFT. The OP didn't get a chance to have a restful lazy day because her husband drove off leaving her in charge of a crying 4 year old.

Are you suggesting she should not have fed her small children or helped them to dress? And if she leaves the tidying up and cleaning the kitchen until next day- who do you suppose gets to do twice the work the next day? When you have small children, certain jobs have to be done. It really, really isn't too much in the way of entitled commercially-induced snowflakiness to expect that on one day a year the Other Parent will actually take the responsibility.

The whole business of turfing the dc out of the car and saying "mummy says you can't go" is just the sort of thing that my stbx used to say. Dealing with someone like that is an incredibly tiring way to live, so you have my sympathy op.

I would also say - to all those posters criticising the op's communication skills - that trying to communicate properly with someone like her dh is very difficult. They are constantly turning everything round on you, moving the goalposts and generally making you feel that you must be in the wrong.

to you op, and best of luck.

corythatwas I wasn’t referring specifically to the OP - I was commenting in general terms about how people approach the day. Agree that a normal day doesn’t involve this level of grief

I think your problems run deeper than just today...pair of you sound like hard work. It's just another day...

He was a dick for making kids feel punished by getting them out car.

As others have said, better communication in advance would've meant an enjoyable day for all. He maybe thought a morning to yourself would be nice and was pissed off that the gesture led to moaning cos you want to do tidying (not especially fun for anyone imho)

I get the hump at any relationship where "wife work" and "man child" behaviour is apparent - been there, left that. If it's an issue for you then address it. X

user, if it wasn't about the OP, why did you choose her thread for your comment- wasn't that a little insensitive?

Think you are bloody lucky, my DH never mentioned it being Mother’s Day And 19 year old son didn’t realise it was at all till I got upset this afternoon and said ‘ a card would have been nice’

corythatwas - I wasn’t intended that way

*it

Thank you, cambionome and corythatwas. Corythatwas, you answered user's question for me exactly how I would have said but better. I would also point out to user that I see the garden work was a hobby / fun outdoor activity, not a chore. Preparing meals, clearing up the breakfast stuff, brushing your children's teeth, laundry etc are the day to day chores and yes, if I don't do it today, guess who will have twice as much to do tomorrow? It's not a case of being a martyr : it's that Ive found time and time again that if I don't do it, no one else does and there's only so long I can live with 3 day old dirty plates in the kitchen. And we all need to eat. The sandwich toaster that he and only he used at lunchtime is still out and uncleaned. He hasn't ventured into the kitchen apart from to make a coffee. I'm now cooking dinner. Last year, he left an Apple core on a plate on a table. I left it to see how long before he cleared it. 4 months and 3 days. When I pointed it out on the day that he finally cleared it, he said he'd never noticed it.

I agree communication is the problem. I appreciate that I had I said yesterday what my plans were for today then that might have helped, although it wouldn't surprise me if he'd still decided his was the better plan, and offered the DCs the choice between the two with a McDonald's thrown in if they picked the walk.

We haven't always been like this. He seems to have drifted into this pattern of behaviour in middle age ( I'm 40s / he's early 50s) and he gets more and more like his dad who seems to treat his partner more like his PA. Not surprisingly, his parents are divorced.

I came on here partly to let off steam but also because I was wondering whether it was usual for partners to help out more on MD, with chores, cooking etc. Seems like a mixed bag - some do, some don't. So maybe I shouldn't expect it.

I’m not the only person making this comment though?

Does he have any nice points? It sounds like misery to me, right down to the churlish sulking.

Ok re-read my original comment and it wasn’t softly written but my point is the same as a few other people. No harm meant OP and sorry if it came out a bit wrong. I hope things improve x

OP I rarely comment on other people’s partners but he sounds truly awful.

My DH isn’t brilliant on MD but is pretty good all year round. If he’s like this all the time, I’m not sure how you cope.

I think the whole mother's day thing is a bit of a red herring here.

The problem seems to be that he generally treats you with a lack of consideration while merrily doing whatever suits him. Would you have been so upset about today if he behaved kindly and thoughtfully for the rest of the year?

Mycarsmellsoflavender 4 months!! That would of drove me insane!! But I do believe your husband when he said he never noticed, because I do believe men can only think of one thing at a time!!

Cambionome I think you've hit the nail on the head. I feel like today is just another example of how he puts me at the bottom of the pile. There have been lots of others, some recent, some going back several years. He forgot 2 of my last 6 birthdays too.

I'm tired now and going to bed but thanks for all your input.

Well there's been a fair bit of drip feeding, but based on the original op I still can't see what he's done wrong.

You had cards and gifts, and then he decided to take both dc out for a dog walk.

Unbeknown to him, you had chosen today to do garden tidying and wanted to do it before the rain arrived.

So there was just a difference of opinion of how to spend the morning. To me, the garden can wait if it starts raining. But the dog really does need walking. Therefore, dry morning dog walk followed by as much afternoon garden tidying as possible.

If he is sulky for getting the kids out of the car and driving off, so are you for stropping into the garden in the hope they'd follow, and for your sarcastic 'happy mothers day' once they were all in the car (presumably in front of your dc?)

Maybe it is part of a broader pattern but to me, even hearing only your version of events, it just sounds like two people who don't communicate very well and enjoy sniping unnecessarily at each other. Life's too short - if you love each other, sort it out before the gulf is too great.

His behaviour in chucking the kids out of the car was ridiculous, and there should have been more of a discussion about the plans for the day. However, I can see at least some of his point. The fact that you enjoy pottering around in the garden definitely doesn't mean that everyone else would, and the children clearly wanted to go for the walk. Would it really have hurt for you to go along with that? And are two 25 minute car journeys with your family really so dreadful?

Sounds like he does his own thing and it's as if you aren't there.

Which would be quite noticeable on MD.

I simply don't see how you could stand living with someone who behaves like this. How utterly and thoroughly dispiriting. Actually, crushing.