Is my DH behaving like a self centred man-child or do I ask too much? ( Mother's Day)

[Mycarsmellsoflavender]

I'm a bit fed up at the moment and need to vent...

So, its Mothering Sunday. The DCs gave me some lovely handmade cards and flower posies / a biscuit that they'd made at school / nursery which were much appreciated. I made the younger two their breakfasts as usual this morning, dressed them, tidied up the kitchen, put the dishwasher and washing machine on as usual. No help from anyone. Then I overheard DH asking DS if he wanted to go out for a walk in the woods today. I said I had thought it would be a nice idea if they helped me tidy up the garden today as it was a nice sunny morning and I had already mentioned it to the 2 DDs who seemed quite keen on the idea. DH said, "oh, they're coming with me as well but they can do that later, after lunch". Clearly his plans for the day take precedence over mine. I pointed out that the weather forecast was predicting rain from lunchtime onwards so that any outdoor activities would be best done this morning. So I went outside and starting picking up all the plastic balls / flower pots / broken toys / clothes pegs/ plastic bags etc that seem to have spread around the garden and collected under the hedges. I was expecting / hoping that they might come out and join me but about 20 minutes later, they came outside and bundled into the car. At which point I was on my way to the bin with an armful of stuff and stroppily wished DH a happy Mother's Day. He said he didn't know why I was cross so I explained that I hadn't been consulted on the day's plans and he'd planned what should have been a special day for me according to his own agenda. Taking our children out for the morning and leaving me on my own wasn't what I had planned which I thought I'd made clear. So he went back to the car and turfed the children out, telling them "mummy says you can't go", got back in the car with the dog and drove off leaving a 4 year old crying on the driveway. Very adult behaviour.
After realising what he'd done, I rounded up the kids and we had some fun in the garden including some tidying as planned so at least something went well. He came back just before mid day, went straight into the kitchen, made himself a toasted sandwich, nothing for anyone else, leaving me to prepare food for myself and the DCs and clear away afterwards.
I really don't know whether I expect too much or whether he's being a dick. He spent half an hour on the phone to his mum this morning to chat and check whether she received the £40 worth of flowers I prompted him to send, so it's not as though he doesn't know the day / doesn't celebrate it. I realise of course that I'm not his mother but surely it's normal to at least try to make the day special for your wife / mother of your children?

It’s Mother’s Day so if you wanted to spend the morning in the garden with the DC then that’s what you should do. Telling them “mummy says you can’t go” is so petty and spiteful. He sounds like a selfish dick. Clearly it’s his way or nothing.

His behaviour was awful and it sounds like a pretty poor relationship generally.

I never let any domestic tasks get in the way of anything more fun!

You were both acting like children. Do the two of you do this often?

Agree that you both sound hard work to be honest, with poor communication between you.

I wish dh had taken the kids out this morning and left me in peace for a bit!! One of the fb groups I’m on did a bit of a poll this week, ‘what mothers actually want for mother’s day’. An hours peace and quiet came out top of the requests.

It sounds like you both need to communicate a bit better what you want to be doing with your time. Neither of you knew what the other was planning, so for that reason, Yabu.

The fact you didn’t feel you were ‘invited’ to a spontaneous walk in the woods with your DH & kids either says a lot about your relationship in general or about you being really hard work

Yes your DH shouldn’t have snapped that the kids weren’t allowed to go but you chose tidying crap out of the garden to going with them

Can’t understand people blaming your DH entirely here, your whole communication as a couple sounds odd

You both sound sulky. You had plenty of options but chose to be difficult. He had a tantrum. Not great role models for your children tbh. You need to sort this out.

Lots of responses - thank you. It's good to get a perspective on things.

Yorkshire mummy your day sounds really tough. to you for a Mother's Day.

To the PP who asked if we were separated, no. We often do things separately at the weekend though e.g. He's now watching sport on telly while I'm on here. He does also often go out on his own without telling me. Sometimes the first thing I know is when I hear the car leaving the driveway.

To those saying they'd rather have the walk in the woods, well that's your choice. Different strokes for different folks and all that. Personally I love gardening and being outside and the process of making our own space look better. It's a hobby and one that requires a lot of time and effort. I do most of it myself on my own but thought it would be nice if I found something that everyone could do together at the same time and have some fun at the same time ( most of it was collecting up plastic balls and returning them to the trampoline which involved a certain amount of throwing and dodging. DD also found a scythe that had been lost in undergrowth for several years). Whereas the walk in the woods would have meant 50 minutes sitting in a car which I find boring.

To the pp who asked if he was maybe planning to stop and buy something special, no he wasn't. I had already had cards and flowers / a biscuit from the DCs and he's never bought anything on their behalfs for Mother's Day before, nor would I expect him to.

I never let any domestic tasks get in the way of anything more fun!

If I applied that theory nothing would ever get done, I find watching paint dry more fun!

He sounds like a twat. Apart from how badly he was treating you, turfing a 4 yo out of the car & driving off was horrible, selfish & unnecessary. I wouldn’t put up with him just ‘driving off’ anytime he fancies, either. Fuck that, you’re not live in nanny.

I get what you mean about preferring to potter about in the garden, I’d prefer that option too..and it’s immaterial anyhow, it’s what YOU wanted to do, with the kids & DH in Mother’s Day.

If you don’t want to make Mother’s Day or Father’s Day Nice for your partner, do you really want to be together? (Unless you both agree thatnits commercial nonsense you don’t buy into or whatever).

Still, if you haven’t turfed the selfish git out beforehand, you know what to do in Father’s Day this year...

What Justwanttowee says.

You need to communicate better. I’d have said ‘right, tomorrow’s mother’s day. I’d appreciate if you could do chores x, y and z. And shall we do something as a family for the day? I fancy xxxx.’ And then we would have done that.

If you had said that to your h, what would have happened?

Your h cooking for himself and going out by himself without telling me sounds odd and annoying. You sound as if you’re living as flat mates not partners. And he was crap with the dc too.

Yorkshire, that sounds like an awful way to live.

I think that you need to be more specific with him.

Out of hearing of the kids 'it's M.D. I'd like to have everyone help me in the garden this morning whilst the weather holds. Ok? You on board?'

Don't shilly Shally. He sounds a bit - ikky.

He does also often go out on his own without telling me. Sometimes the first thing I know is when I hear the car leaving the driveway.

I would find it really weird if my DP buggered off out at weekends without mentioning where he was going. Not because I'm his keeper but because it's courtesy when you're in a family to let others know.

Communication between you seems pretty bad - it sounds like you presented your plans to him for tidying the garden without any discussion as well.

He bought £40 flowers for his mum (why did you have to prompt him? although I suspect I know what the answer is already ) but didn’t think to get anything for you - the mother of his children? Did he even know they had made cards/biscuit at school? at least the teachers remembered

He sounds like a selfish man child. I put up with shit, but not this sort of selfish shit. Ugh.

He does also often go out on his own without telling me. Sometimes the first thing I know is when I hear the car leaving the driveway

That’s out of order.

I we always say it is like pilot/ copilot flying a plane. You don’t necessarily need to get permission to go out, but you HAVE to make sure the other person knows you have handed over to them.

I think MD is being used as a stick to beat him with. Though he sounds nasty and i dont really know why youd put up with nastiness on a regular basis. Was thus a one off? OTOH you were very passive aggressive which is equally bad. Maybe a rethink about stopping contempt for each other wrecking your otherwise idyllic country family lifestyle

i suppose you either accept your lot or get out of the boat and move on.*

I agree @yorkshireyummymummy

I think acceptance can also be a way of not facing the fact that your self esteem has been eroded completely and that this is BAD.

^ this. What @jedenfalls said. Pissing off out and not letting you know and assuming your time isn’t as precious as his so it’s ok to go off and leave the dc with you is incredibly selfish.

Do you not think that perhaps some mums expect too much on Mother’s Day? A card and a gesture is nice but I can’t help but wonder if those of you complaining have a pretty shitty time of it usually and somehow think that on this “special day for mums” that all the selfish, unthinking dicks out there will turn into Prince Charming

This whole business of Mother’s Day being all about ‘me’ is a bit over the top. A handwritten card and just an acknowledgment should be enough. The rest of the day I would think is just a normal day...I don’t understand the number of people getting so upset about Mother’s Day not being focused enough on them??

There are several threads about mother not feeling appreciated today. I think far to many people have brought into the commercial hype. No day can live up to expectations if those expectations aren’t made very clear from the start. There also seem to be a martyr theme to these threads, I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, did some washing, hoovered and then want to clear the garden. If you want a restful lazy day have one. Leave the work for another time! I got cards and chocolates today. H is working 12hr shift. We had parade mass to attend, littlest dc need collecting from cub camp and oldest dc had swimming lesson. It’s just your average Sunday. Your first mother’s day should be special but apart from that meh.