He condescends me until I want to kill him

[SnapYap]

Basically what the title says.
What do I do.

You kick him out or you leave.

Don't kill him.

I think we need a bit more background!

Is this a romantic partner or a family member?
If a relationship, how long have you been together and do you have DC?
How often does this happen?
Has the frequency increased?
What has been his response previously when you've discussed it?

You'll need to provide some background....but whoever he is...try to:

• ignore
• walk away to another room
• say "really?" When he makes remarks and walk away
• Ask if why he wants to be in a relationship with someone he thinks so little of.

It's my DH. He dismisses things I say in a snotty way and it gives me rage. Eg earlier he said he was doing x.

Me: have you done x?
Dh: yes thanks (deadpan face as if he's annoyed ive asked)

Also

Me: are you going to be ready for 11am?
Dh: sigh ok babe!
(He wasn't ready for 11)

And I should also say that we don't use the word babe as affection to each other, it only ever comes out to be snotty!

Snap Yap

When I saw your name again I thought your so called H would be the cause of your writings. And he is yet again. You have been writing about him and your abusive relationship with him for a couple of years now and nothing has changed. He has also done a right number on you hasn't he, he has certainly trained you well to your overall detriment.

Why are you still with your abusive H?. What is still keeping you with this man?. I would like an answer to that question. He will not change. You can only change how you react to him.

Is this what you want for your child going forward as well?

Hi atilla. I'm still with him because he does do some nice things too and I don't think I'd cope without him.

You would cope without him.

It is you who has to change, because he won't. Change how you respond to his dismissiveness as someone suggested. When the penny drops that you are not responding as expected, maybe he will change. But you can't act the same way and expect different results.

Snap Yap

Abusive people like your H are not nasty all the time; they can be "nice" as well and come across as plausible in the outside world.
His "niceness" is currently enough to keep you where you are. You are still very much in the cycle of abuse and that nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one.

What nice things does he do for you?.

He has also made you believe that you could not cope without him which is par for the course too. You would bloody well thrive and flourish without him!!

What do you want to teach your son about relationships?. Is this really the model you want to be showing him?. What if he in future treated his wife like you are being treated by your H?. Do you want your most precious of resources, your child, to grow up thinking that yes this is how men treat women?. You are teaching your son that currently at least, your treatment of you at home is acceptable to you on some level. It is not and never has been. He suckered you in good and proper.

You can’t change his behaviour, you can only change yours. You either put up with it or you don’t. That’s all there is to it.

Codependency look it up!

What is it specifically that you don't think you would cope with?

When I left my marriage (it wasn't abusive but we had grown in different directions and were getting to the point of sniping at each other all the d time) I kept putting it off for ages thinking about all the things I'd have to cope with alone.

In reality all the things I was worried about were totally easy to cope with - it was just that I wanted an excuse to not go through all the upheaval, the escalation of hostilities, the practical hassle of finding somewhere else to live, etc.

I was focusing on really trivial things like:
What if there's a spider? (solution - buy two vaccum cleaners with long ass nozzles and keep one upstairs, one downstairs)
What happens if my PC breaks down and H isn't there to fix it? (solution - learn to do it myself or take it to a repair shop)
What if I want sex? I can't face dating (solution - buy a vibrator!)

In reality, once I left I found I was able to cope with much more stressful situations than previously, because I wasn't dealing with the constant exhausting passive aggressive bullshit (on both sides - I really didn't like my own behaviour in those last months.)

I think you'd cope very happily without him.

I just wanted to chime with the other posters, this type of man make us believe that we cannot cope without them and they are all nice sometimes. The longer you stay with him, the more incapable you will feel.

You're not coping WITH him.

Have you thought about reading all of your posts over the years as a sort of diary and ask yourself the honest question, has anything changed at all from when I first asked questions on here?
Or are you just pissing into the wind.
Where do you want to be this time next year? Do you want to be cut and pasting your question into a very similar thread

I think you would cope quite well without him. And your son would probably be happier too.

Yes thank you i will read it all over

I should put down, in diary fashion, that last night he pinned 2yo DS down in a way I did not like

He pinned your DS down in a way you didn't like and you're still there?

By belittling you he has convinced you that you would not cope without him. If you can bear the thought of being with him for 10, 20, 30 more years perhaps you could develop some self worth with your own interests outside the home - a new language, physical activity such as running or hill walking, patchwork, volunteering - in fact anything that will build your own skills and confidence. Many of us thrive without a partner - it can be difficult for some and take persistence. Others of us take to it like the proverbial ducks to water.

Snap yay - your last post distressed me re him pinning your 2 year old child down. You are going to FUCK UP your son. Do you want this for him? Do you want to see him damaged emotional and physically?
I've not read your old threads but obviously Antilla has it.

I was brought up by an emotional and physically abusive man - he messed me and my 8 siblings up a great deal. We all have difficulties - some have schizophrenia - alcoholic - suicides - I've had 10 years of psychotherapy and guess what I still struggle with relationships and more importantly I married an abusive man too.
Please get out - I cannot bear knowing a child is being abused - if I knew you in real life I would report you to social services.
Sort yourself out - you know what to do.

This is what abusive relationships do - wear you down so you constantly doubt your own mind and ability to function. It doesn't have to be like this. Xx

Good that you’re using this as a diary
People will be here for you
But only you can make a change
You cannot live on hope, you can try, IT DOES NOT WORK

You would 100% cope without him.
When I finally split with my abusive ex I realised that all I'd been doing for 12 years was coping with him, coping with his moods, his anger, his silent treatment, his gaslighting.
Once he was gone i wasn't coping, I was living!!