Affair of the heart

[vintagekatechampagne]

I don't know how to start this post as typing it makes it so real but here it goes. Deep breath..
I found out in the early hours of yesterday morning that my husband has been having an affair with a girl from work. He claimed they were 'just close friends' when I have confronted him previously but on reading txts sent yesterday it has been going on for the past year and that he 'is obsessed with her' and they are in love with each other. We have a 3 old son together and had been together for 14 years (married for 4 years). I threw him out (literally stuff out the window including the beloved phone) yesterday which made me feel slightly better but I haven't been able to switch off since. I feel so angry that he could do this to is to someone he supposedly loved and the reprocussions this will have on our son.

I'm so sorry to hear this vintage. Anger is very normal, and It's not surprising or unusual that you can't switch off. The wise people on MN will be along shortly with good advice, and in the mean time I offer you a hand hold and a

Thank you super

Firstly, I’m sending you a huge hug. You are NOT on your own. Sadly lots of us have been in your position before.
You’ll be feeling not good enough, but the reality is you absolutely are. Everyone knows a mistress (ow) comes with no day to day life. It’s all exciting, uncomplicated and a novelty. That’s not a real relationship. The chances are, thrown together now they will fall apart.
Your head will be full of them together making you feel sick but believe me, this will pass. Your husband is not some sex God and perfect in every way. Focus on his short comings.
Please don’t do anything out of anger right now as you’ll look like the nutter. Stay calm, polite and quiet and civil. This will unnerve them both. If you display anger it will unite them both. If you show your best side possible your husband will wobble and the guilt will start growing. I’d keep access to your son sep from his relationship with (ow). To avoid looking jealous, just explain its better for your 3yr old to adjust first and for your husband to have time to solidify his new relationship. He won’t want to hear that at all. You’ll be giving everything he wants....or that he thought he wanted.
You must find the strength to hold your head up high and take one day at a time. He will come crawling back but you will be a million times stronger by then. Maybe he’s done you a favour. Get some fun back in your life and get to know yourself again not as someone’s wife but as a strong gorgeous woman. If you don’t feel gorgeous then do something for yourself, ie hair eyebrows, new outfit. Make sure you look mighty fine whenever he comes to the house. Show him what he’s been missing. Xxxxx

Obviously this has only just happened so short term advice..tell real life family / friends. Get some support and ideally childcare so you can have some headspace. Try to eat something (I could barely chew or swallow for about 3 weeks) and drink. Take a few days just to gain some equilibrium. Figure out of you would or could have him back and proceed from there. Either way as pp said try to be calm and rational. Begging, crying and pleading will not get you anywhere and make you feel shit. Present him with the realities of his situation..maintenance, contact arrangements, the legal process. Ask him what his plan is (he probably hasn't got one other than a vague 'riding into the sunset with ow) and then inform him what YOU are going to do. Take control. Good luck x

Sorry to hear this how awful! Take some time out...is there somewhere in another city you could go to? Just to get some headspace?

You can decide what you want to do from there...if you want him out permanently...change the locks...give it abit of time maybe a week before he sees his son...that gives you time to calm and not act irrationally when it comes to access obviously away from the house and not with the ow, gradually you might be able to work out what want...be it a divorce...take him back etc...cry it out...preferably not in front of your son...and take time on what u want to do this is now about you and son...not him...good luck

I feel for you so much and am going through very similar to you and have posted about it in relationships threads. I am thinking of you

Thank you for all your kind words. Ozzie yours made me smile and cry. I can go from laughing about it to be in floods of tears within minutes.

Please don't change the locks - assuming you are married he also owns the house and you would be putting yourself in the wrong. They don't all come crawling back..maybe they might want to but feel they can't back down from the huge declaration, maybe they genuinely think they'll be happier elsewhere. My ex and ow are now married. Other than how much it still affects the kids I am entirely indifferent to what he does. It won't happen straightaway but you need to get to a place where your happiness doesn't depend on what he does or doesn't do.

I’m sorry vintage :( I’m not surprised you’re feeling so angry. You will probably feel this way for weeks or months to come and it’s a completely normal reaction. Being betrayed by the one who is supposed to love you is the most awful feeling. Well done for kicking him out.

I found out about my H’s affair 3 months ago and I still get days where I feel full of rage about what he’s done. I kicked him out initially too, but we have decided to try and reconcile so he’s moved back in now.

Have you told anyone in rl yet? A good support network is essential for keeping your sanity. And yes to help with childcare so you can get a bit of space.

Like Ozzie said, don’t blame yourself. No matter what was happening in your marriage at the time there is no excuse for this kind of behaviour. It’s all on HIM.

Try to eat, even if you don’t feel like it. Be kind to yourself and do what it takes to get through the day. Mumsnet is a good source of support - sadly there are a lot of us in the same boat - and the website www.survivinginfidelity.com

Stay strong

Angrybird123 I understand it's wrong to change locks but my friend who this also happened to...her cheating husband had nowhere else to go as the money for hotels, b&b's had run out...ow's husband had kicked her out, we had all turned our back on him and so had his friends as they were the husbands of us...when my friend came back from work, he was sitting in her living room, whilst ow was taking a shower upstairs, they had been to ow friends a few times but they got sick of them too so only place left was my friends house! She ended up moving out to her parents, I do not want OP to go through the same my friend has only just recovered and it's 3 years later...luckily no kids involved...I have asked my friend if it's ok to share her story once I told her this and the first thing she said was has she changed the locks?

I get why you would want to..100%! But it could escalate matters v quickly and from a legal point of view she would be in the wrong. That's all. Anyway, this all happened less than 24 hours ago so I think a few days breathing space before anything much is done is probably best

Yes we are married and have a mortgage, as much as I would like to I won't be changing the locks.
Thank you for your words of support starlight. A few weeks go he when I had my suspicions he stayed with his parents for a while we tried to sort out a few things. I found a few cards saying 'thank you' for helping through a depressive state. He has been suffering from PTSD from working in the prison service. I wanted to believe him and didn't want to throw 14 years ago for what was just a 'friend'. We both needed space and things were going well. He was doing more with our son, making an effort with our relationship, trying to rebuild our lives. He moved back in with promises of a new life. I gave him everything and laid my cards out on the table and now feel this was just more lies and deceit.

You definitely need some time away from your house/area...just for a few days with your child to clear your head and work out what you need to do next...good luck op I really hope you get sorted.

Vintage Kate champagne we are alll here if you need us, day or night. There is life, a good one after all this. You won’t belueve that now but you will see it for yourself. Some couples are able to work it out whilst others are better apart. However it turns out, you know that you do not want to be in a relationship with three people. You now know. It’s hurts really bad but there’s only one way for you to go when you’re feeling Rock bottom and that’s up. Once you’ve slapped yourself round the face and dusted yourself down, start climbing up and grab the life you deserve xxxxxx

My only advice is please never make your son hate your husband. Parenting and marriage are not always connected but they only have one dad, don't let the affair destroy his image of him. They don't even have to know the reason of why the marriage broke down but it is completely within your control what can and can't be done in that way

Boyfriend's wife and children finding it hard to be happy for you niteandfog?

OP, ignore niteandfog. This is advice from an OW and you don't need it.

I'm so sorry. There is great advice here, particularly telling friends and family so you have support and giving yourself a little breathing space.
💐

Sorry you're in this situation.

Often due to the shock you lose your appetite. Try and eat a little t a time and keep hydrated to keep your energy levels up.

I know 3 year olds can keep you on your toes.

Thank you Ozzie Wozzie. I've been up and down like a yo-yo today but your right. I don't deserve to be someone's backup plan and I won't compete for his attention. He keeps sending me messages saying he's sorry. I think he's just sorry he got caught. I would never stop him from seeing our son and my feelings towards him shouldn't affect the relationship our son has with him. I know that is gonna be easier said than done. I have a supportive family around me and his have been amazing too. Thank you all for your words of advice, it's made me feel stronger and I'm not alone.

Oh piss off niteandfog. I agree that neither parent should belittle the other but given your defense of cheating on your other threads I'm surprised you think it's something that should be hidden? I thought you were 'out and proud ' about your affair?

please don't comment as if you care niteandfog. you are sleeping with someone's elses husband yourself.

Does niteandfog just scroll MN to goat people who have been cheated on?? Leave !!!

OP I can't imagine how you are feeling ! Tell the people closest to you, you will need support and don't rush into making any decisions i.e mortgage child care ect , take all the time you need because your head will be so fuzzy right now !!

Sending you strength and love

Niteandfog I really despair at you. This is pretty sick of you now.

Also shut up-whoever is having the affair is clearly not thinking about anyone but themselves, and certainly not thinking about the detrimental harm to their children. Don’t start campaigning against the betrayed.

OP. You did the right thing. Give yourself some space to decide what’s happening

All I'm saying is that I can see how my ex is handling and how his is... In my case my daughter was never involved, not even one bad word has been said about me in front of her. I'm sure she'll figure it out later but it's very different that way than to use them as bargaining chips. There is no need to involve the children that's all I'm saying. I'm probably the scum of the earth that's fine but don't say it in front of any children that accomplishes absolutely nada.

The DS in this case is three. He doesn't even know what an affair is. And you don't get to tell this victim of a woman just like your lovely self and a jackass like your "affair partner" what to say and how to act.