Affair of the heart

[vintagekatechampagne]

I don't know how to start this post as typing it makes it so real but here it goes. Deep breath..
I found out in the early hours of yesterday morning that my husband has been having an affair with a girl from work. He claimed they were 'just close friends' when I have confronted him previously but on reading txts sent yesterday it has been going on for the past year and that he 'is obsessed with her' and they are in love with each other. We have a 3 old son together and had been together for 14 years (married for 4 years). I threw him out (literally stuff out the window including the beloved phone) yesterday which made me feel slightly better but I haven't been able to switch off since. I feel so angry that he could do this to is to someone he supposedly loved and the reprocussions this will have on our son.

@niteandfog
I think in theory your advice would be ok, but it seems very misplaced from you due to the fact that you’ve been the ow and op has only just found all of this out so it’s still incredibly raw for her. I think you will be able to see on here that so many have offered op superb supportive advice, concerning herself and her child.
I’m sure you mean well but your timing is very off at the moment.
I don’t know your circumstances, I don’t need to know but what I do know and many of us on here know is just how distraught, rejected, powerless, vulnerable, angry, sick, sad and alone op could well be feeling right now as a result of a simple affair between her own husband and his ow. Neither of them thought for one minute about the child or the moral implications so it seems very misplaced that you’re feeling you can point much out. Op is literally left to pick up the pieces and deal with herself, her child, her home, her finances her friend groups, her self esteem and worst of all, her husbands TEXTS to say sorry. You are the ow and do your opinion on any child other than your own is irrelevant. I hope you can see why people have responded to you the way they have. I’m sure you’re very happy with the outcome of your actions and have exactly what you want, but op and for many others that’s not the case because of people like you and her dh.

I just think she needs to respectfully stay out these threads. Completely.

She clearly loves the attention and KNOWS the reaction she will get.

Hi OP...how are you doing today?

Morning, sorry I'm totally new to this site and didn't realise you had left a message.

On the Saturday I went to my sisters. When I retuned home he had been back and taken what he wanted and a Mother's Day card was left (how thoughtful!) Mother's Day was spent like all days, a bit of a blur and a yoyo of emotions. I spent time with both sides of the family and they have all been so supportive and a real shoulder to cry on. When I retuned to the house, he had been back again and had taken some photos he wanted and watched football on the telly (like nothing has happened!!) and left some thortons moments (I've got a feeling this will b a moment I will never forget!) I don't like the idea of him being in the house when I'm not here. He keeps texting saying he's so so sorry but all the messages are about himself and how it's affected him!

A mutual friend rents a room in a house and he is now living there, which is just round the corner from here. Sunday night our son wasn't very well, vomiting and fever out of no where so I contacted him. After a few txt I asked him if he wanted to see him (the fact I had to ask him ped me off) to which he came round before work on Monday morning. I had nothing to say to him as it wasn't about me or us. He thanked me for letting me see him but I just said our son deserved it not him. I was strong after he left as I saw him different for the first time than up on the peda stool I had put him on before but lost the plot later on. I can't bring myself to take the wedding pictures down and other photos of us that surround our house. They upset me because we look so happy in them and they were good times we shared.
Well today is another day and our son is feeling better so hopefully nursery today.
Thank you for all your messages they really offer support and guidance when I'm here on my own.

You sound remarkably calm. Glad your ds is better and that you are getting lots of RL
support too.

Hi vintage. You caught your DH having an affair. Affair of the heart, emotional affair, work spouse. There are different names for them. They are all a type of affair if one spouse develops a special emotional connection with another person without notifying their spouse. You are angry and its normal and you should be.

Work on getting yourself better. Find ways to sort your selfout, get your self esteem back and feel better about yourself and who you are. Then open the door and start to talk. It might take some time. I went through this in Jan of this year. It took about a month and a half to get through it. There was crying, loss of appetire (I lost a lot of weight and look great!) , loss of sleep, feelings that my life is changing and over forever. Its because of the emotoinal betrayal that the EA caused. You greatest trust and stability in ones life is their spouse, family and house and you build protection around that in your life. An EH is a attack on that stability and foundation from the inside of the family and house and it shatters the stability you thought you had.

What is important is that once you decide to talk about it, be on the lookout and find out what he is willing to do to change things. Be on the lookout for any signs that he is just waiting for this all to settle down and his life to go back to normal so he can go back to conducting his emotional affairs and be more careful about you not finding it. It means he is indifferent to what they are causing to you and is indifferent to your feelings. That's not a good sign for the future. Going through this experience is mentally and emotionally taxing. There is a lot of anger, loss of self esteem, loss of sleep, loss of appetite. Its an emotionally taxing and mentally taxing roller coaster of a month or two and an adult doesn't need that sort of stress in their life in addition to other things that go on in life. He needs to be aware of what his actions caused and he had to come to his senses that its not right to make his spouse go through that.

FWIW, my own situation is, its been almost 2 months. I feel I am over it. I am able to sleep normally. But things aren't the same anymore for me in the marriage. I went through the phase of blaming myself for what my spouse did. I am now at the stage of seriously looking at the marraige for what it is and what it has become and am having feelings of indifference as to the future. This is mostly due to the fact that my spouse seemed to have been very indifference to what the emotional affair cause me. S=

Here we are again. I have been re reading my old posts and wondering where we got upto in this crazy mess. My husband has moved in with a mutual friend and we have been talking and trying to sort things out or so it seemed to me and those around us.
I try to trust him to later find out he's destroyed it again. Each time I find out something else where he has lied and I've caught him out I feel so angry and upset that he could do that to me but within a week I'm replying to his txt messages and having contact with him as I miss the 'old' him. I know there is always going to be that physical attraction between us but also I know deep down that I don't want to or deserved be treated this way. I have a supportive family who at times can't comprehend what I'm doing (nor can I times either) letting him back into our lives when he has lied too much and feel guilty and distant with them that I want to spend time with him. Each time I find out something else it takes me to a new low but also makes me that little bit stronger - I know it doesn't make sense in my head either.
A few days ago when he dropped our son off he told me (in a txt after he left) he loved me and it breaking him seeing me so upset, knowing that he was the cause of it, but left our house with me in tears. I tried to contact him that afternoon and found his car round her house and saw red and went for both of them. He later claimed that he was round there telling her it was over but her mother (who she lives with) said I thought you were separated - WTF! Later I had calmed down and agreed to speak to him and wanted to speak to her. She said she is in love with him and are ridiculously close. I'm not proud of these moment of madness actions and this is turning me into someone I and others around me don't recognise. I'm normally such a placid happy go lucky person but this is destroying me.
I just need advice and support really. I feel I need to walk away at times and I know I deserve better than the shit he keeps dishing out but I feel he has this hold over me and keeps telling me what I want to hear then destroying it shortly after. I feel he is telling me one thing and her another. I don't know why I can't say enough is enough and walk away. Please help x

It sounds trite at the moment but I promise one day you'll look back on this situation and feel nothing but pride for having the strength to summon some anger, channel it into walking away and building yourself a new life. He will look back and feel regret for hurting those who trusted him and causing such pain to a number of people. Hold your head high - the greatest feeling in the world is reaching a place not of vindictiveness or revenge etc, but of total indifference. YOU WILL GET THERE! Try not to get caught up in sending angry messages, it will only serve to position you in his narrative of a difficult home life to use as an excuse for his behaviour. I've found it therapeutic in the past to write angry / upset / incoherent messages when hurt and then burn the paper so they are out of my head but don't give the recipient the satisfaction of knowing what headspace they are taking up. We are all here too if you need distraction from the drama he has caused. Stay strong and show your son what boundaries he should expect and uphold when it comes to relationships - he will be so proud of you as he sees your new life develop and your strength return.

Thank you dumble, it's hard to see past this sad time. It feels like grief and a bereavement for husband I had and the plans for our future we had made. My husband has been quite needy and insecure and I feel this OW has pampered to his every need and offered her single life on a plate vs the reality of being a husband and father which has responsibilities isn't what he thought it was cracked up to be. He has been suffering from a bad bout of depression in the last year and he confided in her (she also has the same issues and insecurities) and that's how they got close. Part of me wants to walk away and watch their shit fall apart when faced with reality but it's so hard to stand back and watch him self destruct.

Years ago, but when my partner had an OW I felt like life was a rollercoaster for a while. It was so overwhelming at times. My emotions were stronger than my intelligence sometimes and I did stupid stuff as well, like crying and emailing him and her. Don't feel bad about it, you will get past this. It does get better, I promise. Try to do things you like often. Little things like a bath and a pedicure is fine. Treat yourself well. Keep eating healthily.

Thank you gottokondo, it's nice to know there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. Already I feel a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders by the fact I'm not involved in his 'games' anymore although I know today will be hard as I've got to see him to drop our son off. Wish me luck!