Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends with recent ex??

33 replies

BookAngel · 10/03/2018 12:07

New here...
I broke up with my boyfriend last week for various reasons which I generally won’t go into but suffice to say we just weren’t suited. We have a short break booked that was arranged before we split. We were going with my 3 year old daughter as no childcare for her so not exactly a romantic break anyway. I (stupidly?) suggested we could still go as friends as the hotel is non-refundable and as I don’t drive I really don’t want to have to get the train with my daughter as is a long way and we were both really looking forward to it and had the weekend all planned out. He is happy to still go. We got on really well and had a great time whenever we were together but I felt we weren’t suited romantically. One reason is that he was very, very subtlety controlling and I don’t think he even realised he was doing it. That for me was the end of things and I have no regrets about ending it as feel so much better and lighter now. Would it be stupid to still go away? It’s me who’s paid for the trip, not him. He also still wants to help me with learning to drive and I’ve no one else to do that. For now I’ve just said thank you but not committed to anything as to me it would feel like using him and that’s not who I am at all. What would you do?

OP posts:
Aprilmightmemynewname · 10/03/2018 12:14

Personally I would go by train alone. I took dd@2 on a 2 train change holiday journey and we survived!! You have admitted he is controlling - why risk him ruining your well-earned +paid for trip? And get driving lessons - if he is controlling then 'instructing' you is going to really go to his head ain't it??

Original poster
BookAngel · 10/03/2018 12:27

A good point re the driving. He’s paid for my lessons but he would be taking me out for practice occasionally. We live quite far apart so would be once or twice a month I’d see him for this. Regarding the trip, I’m a single mum of 3 and done plenty of trips by train with all of them and done some with just the LO and I love it so not bothered by that at all. I’m not sure exactly why I asked if he still wanted to go except I really enjoyed his company and figured why not. It’s not for another month so have plenty of time to back out. Right now I’m not contacting him and concentrating on myself and learning from the relationship.

OP posts:
Sometimeitrains · 10/03/2018 13:19

I think it dependson why you broke up . If he is controlling putting yourself in a position where you needhis help does not sound like a good idea.
Also if ypu are adking him because you want his company it does not sound lkke a clean break but instead something that could get messy further down the line where feelings could be misinterpreted.

Original poster
BookAngel · 10/03/2018 16:00

He was very, very subtlety controlling or should I say tried to be really but didn’t get anywhere as I’m wise to that shit. Things like trying to get me to shop somewhere cheaper despite the fact I couldn’t get what I wanted there, sulking if he felt I was criticising in any way, refusing to see the issues that upset me were issues at all and saying I was overthinking or things just weren’t like that etc. Lots of issues but nothing major, just added up to not suited and we’ve not parted on bad terms, just disappointed ones on my side. No idea on his to be honest. He wasn’t sure if he loved me so I figure I’m no great loss although he enjoyed our time together as much as I did. I do miss him, and it’s him I miss rather than missing being with someone. We were apart more than together due to respective locations and kids so very used to living on my own without him.

OP posts:
Hellywelly10 · 10/03/2018 16:04

I think it's a bad idea unless you want to get back together with him?

Original poster
BookAngel · 10/03/2018 16:33

I definitely don’t want to get back with him. Too many issues and wasn’t prepared to work through any of them. It would be nice to remain friends I guess. I am steering clear of romance until LO is older so not looking for love at all for a long time.

OP posts:
Aprilmightmemynewname · 10/03/2018 16:44

Op you need to up the bar on the friends you select. No need to have him in your life at all.
He will become baggage when you meet Mr Right.

You will want to move on and he will become an obstacle.

Sometimeitrains · 10/03/2018 16:56

Hmm Im not a fan of loose ends an exs fall inyo that catagory if still around.as said above he could become baggage in the long run. Make a clean break for both your sakes and with spac you will be able to see whats best. the fact that you say you miss him is a bit of a red flag.

Original poster
BookAngel · 10/03/2018 17:43

Good points. It's only been a week so I think it's understandable to be missing him a bit. It is only a bit though, I'm not pining away and didn't even cry over him. We were just done.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 10/03/2018 18:14

Is he interested in getting back with you at all.

Original poster
BookAngel · 10/03/2018 18:19

Not that I know of. He just heard what I had to say, told me some of it wasn't the case, that he knew it was coming, and that was that. No emotion at all. He's being treated for depression so he's pretty flat in mood anyway. Another reason we split as just not doing anything to help himself and no interest in making changes to his life where things were causing him stress and unhappiness.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 10/03/2018 18:25

I think if you're both on the same page then fair enough, if not, I think it could be cruel or using.

Original poster
BookAngel · 10/03/2018 18:41

I definitely wouldn't want to use him. And he's paying for petrol and we are splitting everything else so he's not using me in terms of paying for it, it will be pretty equal. I wonder at his motivation for saying he's happy to go as friends? Not that it really matters, just idle curiosity on my part.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 10/03/2018 18:56

I wasn't thinking so much of the monetary issue, more the emotional investment if you weren't on the same page.

Original poster
BookAngel · 10/03/2018 19:47

Ah, do you mean if he's hoping to get back together? I think we are on the same page though. I'd never use him in any kind of way.

OP posts:
Original poster
BookAngel · 11/03/2018 16:18

I'm a little suspicious I admit, as he's being far too nice to me! Well, not too nice, but treating me as generously as he did when together. Will have to have a good think about this one.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 11/03/2018 17:32

The other thing is, remaining friends, will either of you feel free (if wanted) to move on to another relationship. Where there would be no hard feelings on either side. I know some people manage this while staying friends but for the fast majority no contact is the best way forward. Hard to start with of course.

Original poster
BookAngel · 11/03/2018 18:02

Good point. I personally always find it weird to see exes with new girlfriends but not in an upset way, just weird. We aren't from the same area or social circle so I think we would naturally drift start as friends if I'm honest. It would take effort to see each other as we live an hour apart. Thanks for giving me food for thought Smile

OP posts:
Chippyway · 11/03/2018 18:10

You broke up with him

He’s convientient to be a friend at the moment because you can’t be bothered with getting the train alone, and he’s helping you learn to drive

If you said you wanted to remain friends because he was a wonderful person and don’t wish to lose a kind person from your life then yes no problem. But you quite clearly want to remain friends for all the wrong reasons - everything benefits you

You broke up with him. Don’t keep him around as a ‘friend’ just because it suits you/you get something out of it

Original poster
BookAngel · 11/03/2018 19:54

How it is clear that I want to remain friends for all the wrong reasons? I clearly said how much we both enjoyed each other's company and got on really well but that we weren't suited romantically. He IS a wonderful man in many ways but I had to break up with him because the things that weren't right outweighed the good in the relationship. Those things that weren't right wouldn't really affect a friendship as they were relationship issues. Hope that makes sense. And I clearly said I would never use him in any way. I wouldn't be asking the question if I was happy to be friends for my own benefit.

OP posts:
Original poster
BookAngel · 11/03/2018 20:20

I have decided to just see how things go for now. We have both said we will still go and I don't think he would back out and I wouldn't let him down when things are booked and paid for (including some of the planned activities whilst there). This is the first time I've broken up with someone and not been heartbroken and angry with them and hated their guts. Maturity past 40 perhaps! I just genuinely feel we weren't suited romantically but like I said we get on great and loved our time together. Thanks everyone for your pennies worth Smile

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 11/03/2018 20:44

Good luck, hope things work out and you all enjoy your breakaway.

Original poster
BookAngel · 12/03/2018 21:01

Oh god I'm useless, I'm now thinking I shouldn't go. I've not been in this situation before as my marriage ending was totally different and he was such a bastard (and still is) that quite frankly if it wasn't for the children he could be dead for all I care. I suppose it's only been a week and I need to let my feelings settle down.

OP posts:
FlyingMonkeys · 12/03/2018 21:12

Would he be booking a separate room?

becca93 · 12/03/2018 21:15

I called off my wedding for very similar reasons and we still went on our 'honeymoon' a month later despite our split. I still enjoy his company and would still go on holiday with him now as we are good friends. I think as long as you both know where you stand and aren't expecting different things from the holiday, then just do whatever feels right for you. good luck whatever you choose. x