Confused with Wife's actions

[confusedman2]

90% of the time, me and my wife are great together, yet once a month everything agitates her, especially me. We have been married over 8 years.

I did want to sound like a typical bloke accusing PMS as the issue, and usual put myself as the cause of the issue. But I started recording the dates when we argue, as they were rare but seemed to form a pattern. The last 4 arguments we have had seem to occur just before or the beginning of her menstrual cycle.

And during which, her anger will escalate to the point of breaking things or hitting me.

The most recent example, was a few days ago, my alarm set for 5.30 for work, disturbed her and that day she was cold. I thought that what triggered her to be silent with me, so I thought I let her cool off.

She then confronted me - saying do know how upset she is - I stopped work, and said no please tell - thinking it was something more drastic. She then states that the alarm is the issue, I apologise and stated I had no option due to the amount of work on. I said I would sleep separately.

She the freaks out, starts belittling me and I say this is uncalled for, and then she flips that evening and hits me, and then bring up that the anger issue seems to crop up around this time during the month and she hits me again and states that I'm sexist and misogynistic. I then try to leave and not get involved in the argument, and she blocks may way.

I say very politely to move, she refuses. I then squeezed past her, not wanting to confront and control my anger. So stay quiet.

She follows and hits me again.

I then just left the house, I come back and she's in bed and I decide to go to the office.

2 days later she is it speaking to me.

Online advise says I should leave, but I see this happening only for a few days, then rest of the month everything is fine.

How do I help her?

I meant - * I did not want to sound like a typical bloke accusing PMS as the issue...

Leave ! God don’t listen to online asvhce listen to your self

So she’s obviously got hormonal problems and she’s probably aware but acceptance is hard

Tbh I find I can get more uptight at totm if I’m not happy about something so maybe she’s unhappy deep down

Maybe talk to her mid cycle about this as violence isn’t right I grew up watching my dad hit my mum daily and it’s really hard

Violence is NEVER acceptable. Ever.

Your wife is an abuser. She needs to move out and get help for her anger and domestic abuse problems. You would be wise not to let her move back in until she can control herself and is getting active help for her behaviour.

It doesnt really matter what her excuses are. SHe is being abusive to her intimate partner and it needs to STOP.

I think you should leave for sometime so the reality can hit her hard and she can fix herself up. No one deserves to be hit in any relationship . She has issues and she needs to sort it out herself . How would she feel if you slapped her one .

Oh and why should you leave?? The violent partner should leave. If you were violent to her, i would say you should leave; if she is violent to you, then she is the one who should leave.

I have considered, but honestly she's opposite the rest of the month- really amazing person. Kind, soft, caring - amazing mother to my son.

To me - I see it as a mental issue and would not leave because she was physically ill, so why would I here. Occasionally she gets depressed during this time too. Her life backhome was not easy, but she had a loving family and that shows on her good days.

It's torture to see your love one go through that, I want to try to help.

Your right though, this is good advice - thank you. I should bring this up when she is in mid-cycle, I usually don't, as I see she is back to normal.

I never said leave lmao read what people write I said
Leave ! God don’t listen to internet advice
So what you want

Well if you really love her your going to have to say hey help as it’s unacceptable or you have to leave

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. She has crossed a line here. I can only advise you to leave in such circumstances.

To me - I see it as a mental issue and would not leave because she was physically ill, so why would I here. Occasionally she gets depressed during this time too. Her life backhome was not easy, but she had a loving family and that shows on her good days.

You sound lovely and caring. I think you should tell her she needs to seek medical help or you'll have to leave. There are things that can be done, therapies and medication. I suffer horribly with PMS and you feel like you're in a trap. But no one should be expected to accept being hit and attacked whatever the reason and I would be worried about how it was affecting my child as well.

You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped or saved.

Anger management courses are no answer to domestic violence issues. She has a problem with anger, your anger when you call her out on such behaviours.

What you are seeing here is the cycle of abuse (the nice/nasty) and that is a continuous one. She is probably all sweetness and light around others; abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world.

You can only help your own self ultimately. It does your son no favours for his mum to be hitting and otherwise emotionally abusing you as his dad either.

You state as well that her home life was not easy; I am wondering if she saw violence growing up?. If she did then that is another reason to leave her.

It’s worth bringing this up at another point in the month and asking her if she’s comfortable with the fact that she got violent.

One week a month I was convinced my husband was having an affair and we should divorce. Now I’m on a different hormone contraceptive and no mood swings or food cravins. Wish I’d found the right contraception years ago because I can finally trust in me all month.

She is not a good mother to your son either if she chooses to treat you as his dad like this.

She might be more able to tackle the issue once she realises something can be done about it. Would she be willing to go to the doctor? You say 'her life backhome' - is she from another country? If she feels isolated and lonely (and perhaps angry too for some reason) that would add to her difficulties confronting this.

Supplements can help (magnesium, calcium, vitamin D), but it sounds like she needs much more than that: therapy and psychiatric help? Some doctors recommend using the pill to regulate hormones. Also (this is unlikely, just suggesting in passing) any underlying ADHD can make PMS much worse.

Okay I’m not making excuses for her but we are only hearing one side here
There maybe multiple reasons why she’s like this

How do we know what really goes on in someone’s house

If you lived her you’d talk to her about if she’s realising what she’s low and why does she think she is
If you can’t or won’t help her then maybe there lies a problem in itself

So are you saying she’s perfectly nice and lovely and wonderful all the rest of the time and just suddenly turns? Or is she really not that great of a person generally and gets worse sometimes?

Belittling and hitting is never ok. That’s who she is regardless of the fact that she sheds the lining of her uterus on occasion. If you’re looking to blame this all on PMS you’re going to need more than 4 instances and she really would have to be a normal, rational woman the rest of the time. I’d say it’s more likely you’ve developed this theory in advance (or otherwise why would be be writing the dates to test it) and chances are you’re expecting trouble around that time and pay more attention to it than you otherwise would.

I would never put up with an abusive partner even if their hormones were to blame, which is incredibly unlikely. I get angry about things at every phase of my cycle but I don’t start throwing punches. A jerk is a jerk - don’t blame biology for it.

Sorry x-post with your update. If she really is that great all the rest of the time then mention it when she’s being amazing and caring and do some more research. Having been a woman for some time I have never met another woman with this issue and I imagine there’s a lot more to it.

Look PMS and PMDD doesn't make you hit people. It's an excuse, she is being abusive.

Violence is never acceptable, no matter how nice someone is the rest of the time. I personally think you need to leave/make her leave for tour and your sons safety, but if you aren’t going to do this then you do need to insist she gets help.

OP you said 'back home'?

Does she do anything to help with PMS? I feel like it’s ruled my life, and the gp has never helped, but supplements like Lamberts premtesse have helped hugely. It’s on amazon.

I think you need to sit down with her when she is calm and just lay all your cards on the table. Say that you feel she has an issue she needs to address here and you are happy to support her through it but if she carries on without doing anything about her anger then you will have to leave.
I think PMS very much can make you behave like this as I get very bad PMS and although I dont become aggressive I can get very depressed and on occasion suicidal. So I can imagine that for some people it could affect them to make them this aggressive.
I got put on antidepressants which I am now off but helped me considerably.
Your wife really does need to see her GP about this issue because you cannot live like this.
I know she may be smaller than you and so you may not be afraid of her, and she may be kind the rest of the time... but her hitting you is still not okay. It will be having a bad effect on you psychologically and also what happens if your child witnesses this? Its not something you can just put up with.
So please tell her that unless she agrees to actually do something about this problem then you will have to leave.
Sorry you are going through this

I am a grumpy cow most of the time with my dh especially when it's time of the month but I would never hit him. This is not on.

And when she starts hitting your son in one of her "rages" because he doesnt do what she wants? Are you still going to jsut excuse that as mummy's PMS? Domestic abusers need to be out of the family home. We hear this from women all the time - " he's so lovely when he isnt abusing me"....of course he is, because otherwise you wouldn't stick around to be abused next time.

At the very least, she needs to be horrified and remorseful for her behaviour, and be looking at medication and therapy. Is she doing these things, OP?