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Original poster

Anyone’s marriage survived an affair?

48 replies

Oopsydaisy16 · 10/03/2018 08:15

I recently discovered my husdband has been having an affair (more than one) over the last 3 years since our first child was born. Long story short a flirty txt came through on his phone from a colleague that made me suspicious I questioned him and he addmitted to an 8 month affair then over he next two days admitted to a short affair the previous year and another the year before (this one didn’t lead to sex or last very long). He said for him it was just sex there weren’t any feeling involved however he has led her to believe he was in love etc my initial reaction was to tell him I wanted a divorce.
I gave him the option to end our relationship amicably he could still see the kids every day and be with this other person however he begged for another’s chance told me everything and we have started counselling. It has been totally devastating but I have decided that I want to give our marriage a chance and wanted to hear from anyone who’s marriage has survived an affair or who gave it a real chance and it didn work out I’m not really looking for leave him he’s a cheating scumbag I know this already. Almost as soon as he confessed everything it was like a huge tension that had been between us over the last 3 years had gone and whilst this has been one of the worst times in our marriage it has also been one of the best. I am financially independent and have great support around me if I were to leave and i know I could meet someone else if I wanted to or be happy on my own but I love my husband and belive that despite all this my kids deserve for me to try and work through this

OP posts:
Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 10/03/2018 08:22

3 affairs in 3 years ? No feelings involved? He has led her to believe he was in love with her ? He told me everything ?

Well good luck with that then Hmm

Answering your question ? No and it was only one .

ConstantStruggler · 10/03/2018 08:47

"... despite all this my kids deserve for me to try and work through this."
Whether or not you as a couple will be able to survive this, will not just depend on you. You're right in saying it will require you to try and work through it, but he will need to work his arse off. Saying he is sorry just won't do. He needs to prove to you that he can be a safe partner again. Cut contact with his AP. Give you unrestricted access to his phone and other devices. Answer all questions you ask. Until that time, don't place too much significance in what he says. He managed to lie to you for three years. What makes you believe the truth and the whole truth is coming out now?
To answer your question: I was you a year ago. And no. My marriage is not salvageable.

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 10/03/2018 08:53

To add to my previous post , my experience is that they may try very hard initially to resolve things but that the damage is done . It lies there under the surface , festering and will re emerge in some form later .

Minestheoneinthegreen · 10/03/2018 09:33

Why do YOU have to work through Anything? He's the one who has been shagging anything he can for years. If your marriage lasts it shouldn't be because you made it work it should be because he's genuinely sorry, makes huge attempts to fix things and keeps his dick in his pants.
Fwiw- one affair. 3 months long. We divorced.

Joysmum · 10/03/2018 09:34

Anyone’s marriage survived an affair?

Your dh has had 3 affairs, not ‘an affair’.

Surely you’d want a thriving marriage, not one that is simply surviving?

I think you need to reframe your thinking because you’re minimising. Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/03/2018 09:36

As a serious question - are you willing to let him continue having affairs; or are you expecting him to be able to just stop, after three years?

I suspect if the former is okay with you; you have a chance. Odds are stacked against the latter.

Moonshinewithelvis · 10/03/2018 09:39

It won't be long until he has another one, I'm sorry op but I don't think you will ever trust him again.

Ledkr · 10/03/2018 09:44

Mine didn't. I didn't actually want it to after her betrayed me, lied for months, spent family money and put my sexual health at risk.
Nothing in the world would have made me want to carry on with a life doubt,suspicion and disappointment.

WeeMcBeastie · 10/03/2018 10:57

The answer to your question is no. As others said it’s not just one affair but 3 (that you know of) This says more about his personality than your relationship. I’m sure he’s full of remorse at the moment but if you give him a second chance it’s more than likely he’ll be back to his old ways. My EXH was actually crawling around on the floor crying and begging me to take him back. He had another affair a year later! After we divorced I found out that there were several more affairs. The mistrust and hurt is hard to deal with too. You deserve better.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2018 11:12

I know marriages that have survived multiple affairs or affairs where a child was born from the affair.

They survived with 100% transparency.

Remorse and acceptance for the affair from the cheater and a lot if heavy lifting from the cheater too.

It takes the cheater doing a lot of work on themselvesto understand why they had the affair or nothing will stop it again.

It takes years to get over it...the trust won't ever be 100% again...but thats not such a bad thing.

You need to find out if your spouse has cheated regularly in previous relationships...If so ..maybe he's incapable of monogamy. It's not for everyone and three affairs in.as many years leads me to believe he may be in that category. He may always be the type who wants variety and different women.

Would he prefer an open marriage? Or is it only okay for him to step outside the marriage.

StarlightSparkle · 10/03/2018 11:37

I am a few months post discovering my H’s affair and trying to save the marriage but it’s very, very tough. This was one short affair and I am really struggling - I don’t think I could forgive multiple affairs.

Bumshkawahwah · 10/03/2018 13:18

I discovered my husband‘s affair or year and half ago and it’s been a really tough road. I honestly think the only chance for your marriage to be saved is if your husband has counseling to look at what has made him look outside his marriage for some kind of validation. It’s not just the fact that he was unfaithful, but that he lied, I was selfish, and basically put his needs at the top of the list. He let you think your life was a certain way, while always knowing that that was not the truth.

I think that without any self examination, without taking complete responsibility for his actions and coming to some realization of why he’s done what he’s done, It will be impossible to get through this.

It’s not just a case of him regretting what he’s done and vowing to be a better husband. There needs to be some real hard work done by him.

Bumshkawahwah · 10/03/2018 13:23

I also wanted to say, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know exactly how utterly devastating it is.

I know you will get lots of LTB advice, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking your time to figure out what you want to do. If in a months time or two months time or six months time you decide that this isn’t going to work, that’s fine. Take the time to decide what is best for you. And now is the time to state, very firmly and clearly, what you expect and need from him in order to have any kind of chance of making your marriage work. If he digs his heels in about any of these things, then I think you really have your answer as to whether you can keep going together or not.

Iwantamarshmallow · 10/03/2018 15:38

I could have written this op.
I've been with DH on and off for 18 years.
I left after finding out about 15 different affairs 5 yrs into our relationship. I took him back 2 years later and he cheated on me almost as soon as we moved back in together. (He didn't admit to sleeping with her untill 3 yrs later) I found their sex texts. She seemed to be under the impression he was leaving me but eventually realised he had no intention after giving him an ultimatum . I found texts from her begging him to tell her he loved her which he had replied that she was is 'hole world lol'' ... (Yes hole not whole. He's doesn't make spelling mistakes.) He told me he just tells these woman what they need to here to get what he wants.. I'm inclined to beleave him.
Since then I've found sex texts from about 12 more woman over years. It's usually around the same time as a big event (getting married, getting pregnant, buying a house ) I don't know if he has done any more than sex texts he swears he hasnt but he lied about the 'hole world' girl for 3 years... so I don't know. I'm not sure he does half the time.
I have many reasons for staying, in the end it's my choice. I went to see a councillor who told me DH is a womanizer, it is just sex and that if he'd stayed 18 years then I was diffent and he does love me. She said lots of different affairs were better than just one long term affair. She told me he would never change so I have to accept it or leave. She said if I did accept it Id have to make some changes in order to make it work. She told me not too look at his phone, make accusation or bring up old offences.
I won't pretend it's not bloody hard. I does help not checking his phone but I do resent him at times. I also have to constantly remind him that little things such as working late/nights away or social events are not as simple for your Dw to accept once you've had 23 affairs. It's a constant work in progress but somehow we do manage and we have for 18 years.

Unfortualy it's probabaly you who will have to make the sacrifices because if he's done it 3 times he's not likely to stop especially once you forgive the first one.
Feel free to dm me if u need a friend /chat.

Screaminginsideme · 10/03/2018 15:49

I found out about my husbands affair 2 months ago. It was a two month ‘fling’ with my best friend.

It’s bloody hard work. Everyday is a struggle for me emotionally. He’s had 8yrs to deal with it and move on. We are trying to keep the marriage going.
He talks to me about it, shows me more affection and we go to counselling, but there is an undercurrent of ‘when will you get over this?’ And I really don’t know if we will make it.

I wish you all the best OP and I know how you feel. X

yetmorecrap · 10/03/2018 17:48

I feel same screaming inside, I think finding out years later is the worse torment possible, especially if it wasn’t confessed , I would rather have known at the time

Willswife · 10/03/2018 17:59

I know someone who on the surface of it got over an affair, they stayed together and went on to have another child.

Scratch that surface though and the pain and hurt is still there many years later.

I would be inclined to make him leave but with the possibility of reconciliation after counselling. He has lost nothing as it stands and with no consequences for his actions he may be inclined to think he can get away with it again.

3 affairs in 3 years isn't just a mistake.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2018 20:46

Iwantamarshmallow

You have a one sided open marriage.

You're counsellor is no good...and I say this from a professional perspective. How does she know he loves you and why are multiple affairs better than one long one?

23 affairs I hope you have regular sti checks.

Iwantamarshmallow · 10/03/2018 22:19

@SandyY2K ... I didn't ask your for your opinion. I posted to support the OP when she asked for help. Do you have any mental health training because I Don't think your in a position to make comments about my councillor unless you are a proffessional yourself.

S0ph1a · 10/03/2018 22:24

I hardly ever agree with sandyY2k but on this occasion I do. Your counsellor is talking nonsense and is in breach of her professional ethics.

Joysmum · 10/03/2018 22:47

I am a human, and you’re councilor doesn’t match up to my expectations of what a good one is marshmallow. Is that any better?

I can’t imagine anyone ever suggesting that someone who has been unfaithful 23 times and couldn’t give a shit about your feelings is worthy of you Hmm

SandyY2K · 11/03/2018 17:27

@Iwantamarshmallow

One doesn't need to be a mental health professional to say what I did.... I didn't diagnose your counsellor with a mental health disorder...I simply said she was no good on the basis of what you said.

SandyY2K · 11/03/2018 17:31

I would add that counsellors are not mental health professionals. They have an awareness...but are by no means experts.

user1985 · 11/03/2018 19:16

this isn't an affair, it's an open relationship without the consent of both parties.

You could definitely make it work if you are prepared to have an open relationship. He will 100% do this again.

AnyFucker · 11/03/2018 19:22

marshmallow that was one of the saddest posts I have ever read

What the fuck do you get out of such a "relationship" ?

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