Anyone’s marriage survived an affair?

[Oopsydaisy16]

I recently discovered my husdband has been having an affair (more than one) over the last 3 years since our first child was born. Long story short a flirty txt came through on his phone from a colleague that made me suspicious I questioned him and he addmitted to an 8 month affair then over he next two days admitted to a short affair the previous year and another the year before (this one didn’t lead to sex or last very long). He said for him it was just sex there weren’t any feeling involved however he has led her to believe he was in love etc my initial reaction was to tell him I wanted a divorce.
I gave him the option to end our relationship amicably he could still see the kids every day and be with this other person however he begged for another’s chance told me everything and we have started counselling. It has been totally devastating but I have decided that I want to give our marriage a chance and wanted to hear from anyone who’s marriage has survived an affair or who gave it a real chance and it didn work out I’m not really looking for leave him he’s a cheating scumbag I know this already. Almost as soon as he confessed everything it was like a huge tension that had been between us over the last 3 years had gone and whilst this has been one of the worst times in our marriage it has also been one of the best. I am financially independent and have great support around me if I were to leave and i know I could meet someone else if I wanted to or be happy on my own but I love my husband and belive that despite all this my kids deserve for me to try and work through this

Hope your ok OP

I couldn't stay with someone that views a woman, any woman, as a "hole" and refers to them as such, even if she was just someone he was having a fling with. What a twat. 15 affairs? What a mockery he's made of you and your marriage.

Same with the one that's had just "three" affairs.

Neither of you should kid yourself you're special. These men want to have their cake and eat it. They stay because they don't want a proper relationship so they don't leave to go and live in a bedsit. That way they get the best of both worlds.

They stay because they get cheap housekeeping, care of their children, laundry services and good ole faithful wifey keeping the home fires burning while they get their fun elsewhere

Sad indeed

The father of my nine children had at least 8 affairs. As I was so busy caring for my kids I suffered terrible depression when I became detective and proved a fling he had with my only friend. I was devastated. But twenty years later he is my rock.he cherishes the ground I walk on. And is now my carer. As I suffer from crippling illness. Fibromyalgia being one. He will do anything for me.though we are not in a sexual relationship.he is amazing.

I cannot comprehend being dependent on such an individual

I would rather rely on the state or employ a private carer than submit to the administrations of a man that had disrespected me to that extent

After discovering my wife’s affair, I battled through two years of trying to make it work but ultimately I was defeated. I’d fallen out of love with her, lost all respect and trust I had for her and sadly lost my attraction to her because of what she had done. I grieved my lost son on my own in that time because I didn’t trust her enough to talk to her.

We were never the same after her affair, I was never the same. I look back and am slightly disappointed in myself at how I was with her after. I never complimented her or was overly affectionate. I wasn’t the man I was to her pre affair. All the nice things I’d do for her, treating her like a queen, being a good man and husband to her just went.

For me, trust is everything. It’s key to any bond. The biggest battle I had was trying to get her to tell me everything. It was just constant lies, or as she put it, protecting me from being hurt even more. If she had of been more open, who knows, maybe we would of stood a chance.

Now, she regrets not only the affair but the being honest from the start.

As someone who is trying to save my marriage after an affair, this thread is not making me feel very optimistic! I thought there would be more people who have managed to rebuild things as I’d read approximately 50% of marriages survive an affair.

Perhaps the happy ones are not on the Mumsnet relationship board, so this is a skewed view. I really want to believe that some people go on to be happy again.

I think there was another thread recently StarlightSparkle. Not sure how it ended but there were some comments from women that had stayed and while things weren't back to how they were before they were communicating at least.

I did get the over-riding feeling though that a lot of compromising had gone on by the women over 2-3 years before it wasn't in their minds every day. Of course there was a range of comments about people wishing they hadn't bothered as he cheated again a few years later or they wasted another few years on him when they should have left immediately, or things were never the same again but they were together and while the cheated on party didn't think of it every day it was always at the back of their mind. It does make me think sometimes it's easier to leave than stay. Perhaps as you say the happy ones are not on this board but I'm not sure about that. Even if a period of peace has been achieved it must be earth shattering when it happens with the aftershocks happening for many years after. I know I couldn't do it.

I didn't think I would but it's different when it's really happening and not just theoretical. I would have already left if we didn't have children but we do so it's much more complicated, especially as they are young. I need to think about them and not just myself.

If we can't be happy then I will leave as I don't want to condemn myself to years of unhappiness for sake of the kids, but while there is a small chance that we could be happy again I want to try.

Good luck to you.

A helpful resource for those affected by infidelity is www.survivinginfidelity.com

There's a specific thread called 'reconciliation'

@StarlightSparkle

We survived an affair. My dh had an affair 8 years ago. It was a tough time. A harsh 6 months. But we are happy.

We love each other. I don’t blindly trust him, but that’s good I think.

Relationship councilling helped. We are totally different towards one another now. It’s all good.

Thanks Channing, that is good to hear and I’m glad it’s worked out for you.

My H had a short affair last year, I found out 5 months ago. It wasn't sexual but it was with an old flame and left me devastated. He's been open and disclosed everything, done all the things he should, we are having counseling, he's very sorry etc.
There were no obvious problems in our marriage at the time, both of us had had close bereavements. But there's not really an excuse or reason. Apart from his weakness.
Anyway it's been really hard. I still think about it all the time. I love him but sometimes I look at him and think he's pathetic. And I'm not sure I. Can move forward. Other times we are very close, we have done a lot of talking. It's very up and down. I feel resentful too, why should I have to do all this bloody emotional work and soul searching for what he has done?
It's made me more resilient. I don't want or need validation from him anymore and I know whatever happens I will be ok on my own. Something inside me has fundamentally shifted so I don't feel I can make a decision either way right now.I am not really sure about what I want and need more time to work through where I'm at.
So I don't know if you can move past an affair. I think the relationship
You had changes forever and I think it probably takes a lot of time to work these things out.
I guess I always thought I would
Kick out a cheating husband, but life is never that simple or black and white. H isn't an awful person, but his actions of last year were hugely selfish and weak and I need to work out if i/ we can move on.

I don't understand how you can get
Past
Three Affairs, i honestly
Don't. One maybe but surely you deserve better !

I know it's not what you asked for but I would be consulting with a divorce lawyer at the first available opportunity.

I think for me I wanted to make a huge effort to analyse and improve our relationship so that in the future I could look back on that time and think “We tried my best, We tried everything”

I didn’t want any regrets or what ifs.

A lot of what the PP’s are saying resonates with me regarding the revelation.

I thought my husband was pathetic and a sly evil snake.

I was devastated & destroyed. So I couldn’t make and quick decisions about anything. I couldn’t have seen a divorce lawyer because I couldn’t make a decision, until I thought let’s try to get passed this.

A horrible few months. But now we sometimes laugh about what a mess that time was. And I don’t think about it much at all. It very rarely upsets me. I suppose I have a lot more empathy for friends that go through similar. And a lot of friends have. I can understand more, and be less judgemental (at times).

We have survived my DHs affair.
It was one long term affair and not 3 shorter ones but I’m not sure that makes any difference.

All is good.
Let me know if I can help 💐

This is not a one off affair although in itself is bad enough, your husband is a serial cheat, this is his life and how he gets his kicks, he won't change, he will carry on as per usual, you are an absolute mug if you believe that was the last one.

Why are you allowing this dirty horrible sleaze bag of a man to humiliate you over and over again, fgs, find your self respect and get rid, he's probably been putting your sexual health at risk in the process, is he really worth it all, I'd say definitely not.

Yes Hun.people will say get rid.dont listen if you know he is a good person then an affair can be gotten over.im going to be slated for saying that. But I'm with a man who had numerous affairs.but we are 60 and have been together for 42 years.he does everything for me.knows he done wrong,

Just read this as it came up, but seems an old thread Would be interested to know how all are now? OP, how are you? Did you stay? Many months have passed.....are you in a better place?

My dh had one night stands, on work trips away, 4 in total over the years, it all came out, I was fucking shocked to be honest, never thought he was the type, still with him, but to be honest the magic is gone, Im not the same person I was, I love him very much and I love our family unit, and he is trying , has gone to counselling , has issues with being adopted and his adopted mother wasn't very loving, counsellor was touching on all this which was a big mind fuck for me, as I never knew how much these things bothered him, anyway, no excuse for hurting me , I've loved him and been there for him since the day I met him, and I don't think I'll ever feel that love I had for him before I found out, I think he knows that too and that's the sad part, he is trying to fix something that can't be fixed, I don't think we will break up as everyday life now, two years on is good, but I just can't put my finger on it, there is a sadness in me, that only I know about and feel. My mother said something last year after not seeing me in a while and she said to my father the light has gone out of Fairys eyes, exactly that. Im not the same person I was. Sorry your going through this. x

Fairy, I know exactly how you feel, my H has I know tried to fix it , he knows he was a shit, but the issue is I dont feel the same because he hasn’t got a time machine. So yes it’s perfectly possible to soldier on ok but with maybe 70% if feelings you had before and I actually weirdly feel sorry for him that I just cannot feel that 100%