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Original poster

If you are my age, how often do you have sex?

39 replies

VeryHappyIndeed · 09/03/2018 22:55

Hello. I am having a disagreement with my husband about our sex life. I am early forties and he's fifty.

I am unhappy because I would like to have sex more often. This has been a long standing issue in our relationship. We are married and have three young children.

We both work full time. He would be happy to have sex very seldom, say once or twice a month. Recently, over a holiday period of 11 days we had sex once at the beginning and once at the end. I have a high sexual drive and feel that I need the physical connection to feel loved and close to him. When I told him - after the holiday - how upset I had been by so little sex, he was surprised. And said that for someone his age, he thought this was pretty average.

So I was wondering how often other married couples of similar age with children and working full time have sex?

I know there is no normal, and it just matter what makes each couple happy. However, I think that I may be unreasonable wanting to have sex as often as every other day? I feel rejected and really do not know what to do....

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 09/03/2018 22:58

Your feelings and needs are yours, and , of course, valid.

Wanting to know about other people's sex lives, massively less so.

jamaisjedors · 09/03/2018 22:58

On a holiday of 11 days I would hope for once more than that I think.

Similar ages here, and did it last night and this afternoon, but not the rest of the week (also on holiday).

Clippertea3 · 09/03/2018 22:58

Same as you. I would say it is pretty average. Certainly is in my group of friends.

Original poster
VeryHappyIndeed · 09/03/2018 23:03

Thank you for the replies. I suppose I do want to know about other people's lives, but only to get a perspective if I am being unfair at feeling frustrated and angry.

I have repressed my dissatisfaction because our marriage is otherwise very solid and happy. But every now and then I get really upset and have a crisis.

Last year I was seriously consider whether the best thing would be to leave over our lack of sex life. I found it soul destroying to be rejected so often. Eventually, I stopped trying....

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 09/03/2018 23:05

Did you initiate this time? Doesn't sound like you did?

Original poster
VeryHappyIndeed · 09/03/2018 23:06

No, it is always on his terms, when he feels like it. I do not think I have ever said no over more than 10 years together. Maybe once?

OP posts:
Original poster
VeryHappyIndeed · 09/03/2018 23:09

Anyway, thank you for your answers. I do not know why I posted, nothing other people say will make me change the way I feel.

The problem is that it is very difficult to talk about it with my husband because he gets defensive and feels attacked.

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 09/03/2018 23:12

Would he actively push you off if you started some gently stroking or massaging? Something ambiguous that could go either way?

Original poster
VeryHappyIndeed · 09/03/2018 23:16

He wouldn't push me off, he would just say "please, I am so tired, I need to sleep", if it happens at night.

If it happens in the morning he would say, "you know I don't like to have sex in the morning".

Most weekends he would stay up until very late and when he comes to bed he claims that he's tired.... and I feel horrible for wanting to have sex. I end up masturbating often. Maybe I am strange.

Last year I started to get what I thought were some menopause symptoms, which included some sharp decrease in sex drive, and I felt so relieved!! But it came back eventually after a while

OP posts:
Original poster
VeryHappyIndeed · 09/03/2018 23:17

He is very gentle and loving but this is becoming a real problem,as I feel I am distancing emotionally.

OP posts:
thegreatbeyond · 09/03/2018 23:32

I've got one baby and don't work outside the home, and I feel shattered all the time! Amazed you have three and work ft and still want it :)

Original poster
VeryHappyIndeed · 09/03/2018 23:40

Well, my youngest is 4, so not babies anymore. though I guess I have always wanted it. I suspected I am not normal : )

OP posts:
Branleuse · 09/03/2018 23:44

That sounds pretty miserable. I had a practically sexless marriage and it just killed my confidence. I hated it and felt rejected and ugly and confused. I am so glad im not living like that anymore because ive always had a healthy sex drive and its really important to me.

I think now if I felt sexually rejected in general, i would question other areas of the relationship? Are you intimate in other ways? Do you cuddle and kiss and stuff?

Original poster
VeryHappyIndeed · 09/03/2018 23:53

Hi Bran, after your left your marriage, did you think it was worth it to give that up due to lack of sex?

I agree that it knocks your confidence, it did to mine a bit. But over the last few months I have lost weight and I feel much better about how I look. I thought that would help with our problem but it has not made a difference.

We do cuddle and kiss but not the romantic kisses I like. When I tried to kiss him passionately, he generally avoids me because he thinks those kisses are sexual and will lead to sex. Whereas to me, I miss making out like I did when I was much younger, even if it does not lead to sex. I suppose I am just more tactile and sensual.

We are from different cultures, so I always thought that had something to do with our mismatch.

OP posts:
salsamad · 10/03/2018 00:16

I think you are perfectly normal and you just want to feel close to your partner and desired by him.
There is nothing wrong with wanting regular sex but equally you have to accept that there is also nothing wrong with not really wanting to have sex either.
When you are on holiday and you are less tired and more relaxed, it's only natural to want or anticipate more sex. We are in our very early 50s and on our holidays we have sex everyday, sometimes more.
You sound very unhappy and you really have to talk to him about how you are feeling. Try to make time to discuss it calmly and not whilst you are in bed. Maybe suggest he could visit the GP if he's feeling tired a lot and his libido is low, as long as he is willing.
I think you need to be very honest and say to your DH what you've said here, about the fact that you feel you are distancing yourself from him emotionally.

Original poster
VeryHappyIndeed · 10/03/2018 00:42

Hi Salsa,

Thank you for your very thoughtful answer, it almost made me cry.

I will try to mention the idea of the GP but I am sure he will not want to, as he never goes to the doctor, only when really unwell. But he admitted that he has a low libido and that it was normal for a man his age. I guess this is what prompted me to post my question.

I hate to talk about it, because it never ends well. We both get upset and nothing changes.

Many thanks again for your advice.

OP posts:
Mammysin · 10/03/2018 00:56

After medication and possibly pre menopausal, I would love to be intimate daily.we have sex three times a week on average. When the children were small, I didn't care/know/ desire sex. My driv is higher but dh usually matches me. Hope you have a wonderful time getting to know each other!

thegreatbeyond · 10/03/2018 01:51

I think there is a wide range of normal. Often, I think sex would be great in theory but physically I'm drained.

PrizeOik · 10/03/2018 03:20

I am a little younger than you. Since age 15 I have had the same drive, only interrupted by hormonal birth control and breastfeeding: 3-4 times a week is an absolute minimum for me. Less than that I become miserably unhappy and on edge.

When we are on holiday we are at it at least twice a day tbh. Maybe once a day if we don't have help with the DC.

There is no normal, only average. I think his idea of "normal" is well below average. But he's allowed to want that - just as you're allowed to want much more.

I personally wouldn't be able to cope in the situation you describe x

MissCherryCakeyBun · 10/03/2018 03:35

We don't have children living at home and depending on work/tiredness probably 5 out of 7 days a week. I'm 49 and OH is 53...both in 2nd time relationships ( together 5 years) both had unsatisfying previous long term relationships ( very infrequent etc) was amazing to meet someone else with a healthy sexual appetite.

I think some people are more sexual and sexual interested than others and finding a match is wonderful. I'm sending you big hugs xxx

mindutopia · 10/03/2018 07:08

There really is such a huge range of normal. I would be careful in assuming that something is ‘wrong’ with your dh just because his sex drive doesn’t match yours.

We are younger than you (mid to late 30s) but with young children. Under the best of circumstances, we have sex about twice a month. That’s just all we have energy for though my dh would probably be happier with once a week (even if he may be less motivated in practice). But when we were ttc definitely by the third time in one week, he was grateful not to have to do it again for the rest of the month!

So a few times a month is perfectly normal even for men. It’s much more important that you’re compatible. If he’s always been that way though, that’s probably just who he is and you probably can’t expect him to change if he doesn’t want it more unfortunately.

blackeyes72 · 10/03/2018 07:14

Well you must have a lot of energy. I work full time and four kids, youngest is eight, and I am tired a lot, especially in the evening.

Pre-kids I was like you, I had a very high drive, but now it's more like twice a month. Like the other posters, I think about it, but more often than not ny tiredness takes over.

Dh on the other hand is more like you and never rejects me and would probably prefer most days, although he has never complained..

Sally2791 · 10/03/2018 07:19

There is a massive range of normal and I think possibly the problem is not so much your mismatch in desire but his refusal to acknowledge it(late coming to bed,doesn't like morning sex are all avoiding the issue)and ultimately lack of full and honest communication is the killer of relationships. In your situation I would be sexually frustrated yes,but really upset that he wasn't talking about it to find a way forward that you are both happy with.

WheresYouWheelieBin · 10/03/2018 07:21

We’re roughly the same ages as you, with three young children. I’d be happy to never have sex, DH would like it once a week, we manage around twice a month. I think we’re pretty normal.

MrsJonesAndMe · 10/03/2018 07:22

I'm younger than you but DH similar age to yours. We manage a few times a month - sometimes 3 times a week, then due to my cycles nothing for about 10-12 days.

I suppose the thing is that we are both happy with how things are.

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