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Original poster

Is it 90% sex/10% everything else?

40 replies

mellongoose · 09/03/2018 22:37

Ugh. I think we hit a new low this evening.

My sex drive is shit. It has been ever since I gave birth (but that was over 3 years ago). It's caused a lot of problems in our relationship.

I've felt under pressure to 'perform', even though he hasn't actively been putting me under pressure. I feel bad for him, but I just don't feel sexy. He's said a few things during arguments which have made me feel worse.

It came to a head again this evening. Everything else about our relationship is great. He is really highly sexed and my mojo is dwindling fast. I've no idea how to get it back.

Tonight he said that sex was 90% of what a relationship is about for most men. Is this right?!

God, how do I fix this? I really want us to get better. But I don't want to lie back and think of England either! What s bloody mess Sad

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 09/03/2018 22:51

You need to find a partner for whom sex isnt so important.

MamaDuckling · 09/03/2018 22:55

Definitely not.... my DH is 10% sex. 5% perhaps. And no, I don't suspect he's cheating etc etc.... I wish he was a bit more interested! Not the be all and end all for us, but definitely a problem if you're very mismatched.

Joysmum · 09/03/2018 22:55

What have you done to address your lack of sex drive if everything else is good? Have you seen your GP?

If there’s an issue and you’re not doing anything practical to identify and address it then it’s going to make that issue more exagerated.

Original poster
mellongoose · 09/03/2018 23:03

@Joysmum I thought it was the PND that seems better now. The GP put me on 10mg of citalopram. I feel emotionally stronger and more steady, but not sexy!

It's not a weight thing, I feel ok there. It could be an exercise thing because I have 2 jobs and a 3yo Confused I feel fairly worn out most of the time and feel like sex is another chore! Ugh. I don't want to feel like this. How does one re-find their mojo?!

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 09/03/2018 23:03

It sounds like he's misheard that saying. Think it's along the lines of "If everything is fine a relationship is 10% sex, 90% eveything else. If there's a problem then the ratio is reversed." or something like that.

I'd be rather insulted if that accounted for the vast majority of a relationship, would feel like I was very easily replaced.

NapQueen · 09/03/2018 23:05

Maybe he needs to be told that 90% of a womans desire for sex comes from the mans behaviour towards her.

Original poster
mellongoose · 09/03/2018 23:05

For the record, I'd put sex at about 25-30% important to a relationship....so it's quite important but not the be all IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Dissimilitude · 09/03/2018 23:08

It’s like anything else - if it’s not available and you miss it it seems more important.

Original poster
mellongoose · 09/03/2018 23:09

I was incredibly insulted. Not enough to call time on an important relationship obviously, but I'm very pissed off!

He's not helping himself really!

@NapQueen I did tell him that. It didn't seem to compute. Hmm

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 09/03/2018 23:35

Tell him 90% of your desire is connected to how much he pulls his weight on the chores front, then you won't think sex is another chore.

SandyY2K · 09/03/2018 23:50

Tonight he said that sex was 90% of what a relationship is about for most men. Is this right?!

That may be the case for him, but he really can't speak for all men.

mooncuplanding · 09/03/2018 23:55

It is the only differentiator between a friend and a partner

Hard to put a number on it but the reality is it is one of the defining features of such a relationship

Mxyzptlk · 09/03/2018 23:56

I have 2 jobs and a 3yo.......I feel fairly worn out most of the time and feel like sex is another chore!

How much equivalent work (paid or at home) is your DH doing?

OlennasWimple · 10/03/2018 00:01

If you are tired from working two jobs and looking after a toddler, no wonder that sex comes behind "getting a decent night's sleep" on your priorities

And no, it isn't 90% sex / 10% everything else for most men, over the age of about 20 anyway

Wherearemymarbles · 10/03/2018 00:28

Well eveyone is different. There is a thread right now where a woman is unhappy. She would like sex every other day and her husband a few times a month. She is 40 works full time and has 3 kids youngest of whom is 4.... partner somewhat oblivious....

You cant blame him for how he feels anymorevthan he can blame you for how you feel. But somehow you need yo be anle to work it out.

kubex · 10/03/2018 01:35

As a pp said, sex is the difference between a relationship and a friendship.

For your DH it is obviously very important.

For me, it is one of the most important parts of my relationship with my DP. We are a little younger than you but we have sex almost every day. It's not just the act of sex, but the closeness and intimacy that is important.

What have you tried to improve your situation?

Start slowly, with lots of kissing and maybe some foreplay to see if that gets you in the mood.

If you don't feel like actually having sex, can you give your DH oral instead? Ask him to go down on you and just relax and enjoy!

Maybe try watching some porn together - if you still don't feel like sex, give you DH a hand job whilst you're watching.

I always feel sexier in new lingerie. Go shopping and treat yourself (and DH!)

Don't give up OP, you can get your mojo back!

LadyLoveYourWhat · 10/03/2018 01:55

As a previous poster said, he can't speak for all men. I think a 90:10 ratio is nowhere near average. Both my husband and I would like more sex with each other, but we're also knackered (and no excuse for it either we've got teenagers). Sex is lovely, but in no way accounts for the only way in which our relationship is deeper than friendship.

mummwest · 10/03/2018 02:49

It's his way of telling you that the issue is a big deal for him at the moment, I wouldn't get hung up on the figure, if he really thought a relationship was 90% about sex then everything else wouldn't be great in the relationship like you said, he also more than likely wouldn't be with you.

Dissimilitude · 10/03/2018 06:48

“It's his way of telling you that the issue is a big deal for him at the moment, I wouldn't get hung up on the figure”

This. Getting hung up on what was obviously rhetorical exaggeration seems like deflection. He’s simply telling you it’s important to him and he’s not happy with the current situation.

niceupthedance · 10/03/2018 07:45

How good is the 10% everything else? Do you do things outside the home together, do you laugh and have fun? Do you get time to do your own thing, see friends etc? I'd feel oppressed if I thought my relationship was 90% about sex.

Original poster
mellongoose · 10/03/2018 07:52

Thanks for these. You're helping me find some perspective.

He's genuinely great around the house. Definitely equal on the household stuff. I do more for our 3yo but he still does loads. We laugh. We have a lovely life. Struggle for money a bit, but not money to survive, just money to move forward.

It's just this. It's my thing. But he's crap at telling me what I want to hear, which would help. It's definitely fixable with some energy.

Will take some advice from pp about intimacy and foreplay.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfSox · 10/03/2018 08:03

I completely understand you op.

Work, housework a toddler and a demanding DH is enough to wipe anyone out.

I’m very lucky in as my DH knows that a clean and tidy house makes me feel more relaxed and hence more sexy. Maybe it’s time to point out to you DH that he really needs to pull his weight with housework. Because if you’re doing the lions share of housework and childcare, the of course something has to give, and that something is your livelife. As for sex being 90% of a relationship, I call bullshit on that, or did DH have many relationships with socks in his formative years ? Love, respect, honesty, loyalty and laughter are all equally as important as sex, so it’s not 90% sex in my book.

pog100 · 10/03/2018 08:05

unlike most of the OP here, I really think and hope this one is fixable. Somehow you must have some proper communication. Real heart to heart talks without recriminations about how you can both get back to some loving sex. I think maybe he needs to think about how serious this is, or could be, not blame you, but be prepared and work on solutions. It sounds to me like he needs to work on the right approaches to you, not in the 5 minutes before but all week. You need to be able to tell him what those are and how fundamentally important they are. He may be 'crap at it' but he needs to learn, to save your marriage.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 10/03/2018 08:06

It’s like anything else - if it’s not available and you miss it it seems more important

I think this ^ is the crux of the matter.

I do think OP that something that may be missing here is intimacy and by that I mean “closeness” not sex.

He is helping around the house, you both are working hard, you have a child that takes the priority in so much stuff (as with any other child). You are tired.

So it is natural that neither of you have the time or inclination for gestures that bring you closer and nobody wants to have meaningful sex with someone who is emotionally distant. That’s when sex becomes just another chore.

If I could suggest something, talk to him about what you both can do to become closer to each other again. I would suggest ensuring your child is out of the way (think in front of tv/iPad) for half an hour as soon as you or your partner walks in back from work. Use that time to relax together, get a cup of tea and catch up on how was the day for the other. Sometimes you just need to re connect emotionally for the drive to come back. At the end of the day, nothing is more sexy than feeling that the other person cares for you deeply.

bert3400 · 10/03/2018 08:16

Hi OP I am in the same position . My DH who I love deeply would like sex every day or there abouts ...i just don't have that same desire. I would love to find something that gets my libido going ...its the only contention in our relationship. Wish there was a magic pill to take to get me feeling that way . Sorry no advice Flowers

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