Is it 90% sex/10% everything else?

[mellongoose]

Ugh. I think we hit a new low this evening.

My sex drive is shit. It has been ever since I gave birth (but that was over 3 years ago). It's caused a lot of problems in our relationship.

I've felt under pressure to 'perform', even though he hasn't actively been putting me under pressure. I feel bad for him, but I just don't feel sexy. He's said a few things during arguments which have made me feel worse.

It came to a head again this evening. Everything else about our relationship is great. He is really highly sexed and my mojo is dwindling fast. I've no idea how to get it back.

Tonight he said that sex was 90% of what a relationship is about for most men. Is this right?!

God, how do I fix this? I really want us to get better. But I don't want to lie back and think of England either! What s bloody mess

Maybe he needs to be told that 90% of a womans desire for sex comes from the mans behaviour towards her

I think there’s a lot in that!

Arguing about a percentage is not going to get you anywhere.

Imagine if you gather from this post that sex is 10% of a relationship. This is not going to change his mind or feelings.

His 90% may be a way a gauche way to tell you he needs it more often and the lack of it is important to him.

So rather than focusing on numbers, which will only make things worse since you will each find data that supports your feelings, perhaps you should focus on validating each other's feelings.

You could be the bigger person and make the first step: " you say it's 90% of a relationship, help me understand how you feel. " validate than have your turn.

I don't want to feel like this. How does one re-find their mojo?!

Depends on the person. I think the first stage is to have a very honest think about what you want. Do you want sex more often? If so, what needs to change in your life to make that possible?

Then you need to have and open and honest chat about this with him. He needs to feel like you understand and appreciate his wants and needs too. More than 3 years is a long time for this to have continued, it’ll feel even longer if he doesn’t feel like anything is going to change or you don’t understand his feelings.

From there you can try to work out if there’s any changes you can both make to make sex more likely.

I also think it’s worth a visit to the GP again as there might by a health reason why, not just that life is getting in the way.

What stuff has he said in arguments that is having an effect still? They sometimes don't realise how much their words hurt and how we remember forever.

B@ll@x sex is not 90% a relationship for men
My god if that was so then they don’t live they’re women

I found a book called Rekindling Desire very helpful. If nothing else, it helped me realise that I'm not "broken" for not wanting sex lots atm. I'm tired and pregnant and thus resentful etc etc. The book helps deal with specific areas you might feel 'blocked' sexually...unresolved anger, for eg. Even just a brief skim Read helped me get my mojo back enormously.

Maybe also building in intimacy-but-not-sex evenings might help? Massages, naked times, baths...setting a time limit (so you're not anxious about it dragging on and into You Time) and being clear about expectations (eg You'll give him a hand job at the end but no full sex, or he will do x and y but not z) helps you not brace yourself for what you don't feel like. Sounds mega unsexy talking beforehand but found it helped me relax and so enjoy the intimacy for what it was.

Also...cut yourself a break. You're working extremely hard, it is stressful and normal.

Huge thank you to all of you for your kind words and support. I'm too embarrassed to talk about it in rl. Also, I don't want to be disloyal to him!!

Thanks also for the book recommendation. Will look it up next.

His one downfall is that he's an absolute arse during arguments!!! None of us are perfect. I'm over sensitive but I also debate better than he does and when he doesn't have an answer, he gets really hurtful. I don't really want to give examples but he knows my buttons and he hurts me with his words. It's shitty behaviour and his words stick. I've told him this and he says he won't do it again, but in the heat of the moment.

I want to work this out. It's a bad loop at the moment which I think we can resolve in time. Thanks again for giving me perspective 🙏

But he's crap at telling me what I want to hear, which would help. It's definitely fixable with some energy.

And for many woman not hearing, feeling special leaves them not having a for filling sex life...

If he’s say one thing to you, you need to explain to him how he can help you

he's crap at telling me what I want to hear, which would help.

Has he always been crap at that? What was attractive about him in your earlier relationship, before you had a child?
If you can think back to that time, and work out how to revive the way you both were then, it could help you to fancy sex a bit more now.

Focusing on the actual sex act, foreplay etc may not be very useful.

As others have said. It's not true that men think 90% of a relationship is sex.

I can also understand how having a toddler and having two jobs would drain a person and make them feel too tired and unsexy to have sex.

For some men though, closeness and intimacy is directly related to sex. What I mean is, it could be that in order for him to feel that your relationship is strong and you still have feelings for him in the relationship, he can only get that from sex.

It sounds like maybe you two need to talk more. You need to find nice and polite ways to explain to him and tell him what you need to hear from him in order for you to want to feel like having sex with him.

You need to find a partner for whom sex isnt so important.
Not a very helpful suggestion for a woman having a tough time and who really wants to make things work with her partner.

Brilliant post my mm2one

By, not my

Tonight he said that sex was 90% of what a relationship is about for most men. Is this right?!

Fuck no. I'd say the exact opposite.

Do think about some practical stuff - what contraception are you on apart from having two children ? Has hormonal contraception or fear of pregnancy affected your feelings? Also antidepressants aren't great for the libido, though tbf neither is depression. Talk to your GPS if you think citalopram has made your libido less.

I would have a think about what you really like and what really makes you feel aroused. I don't think women are encouraged to focus on their own arousal enough. I love written erotica, oral sex in the shower, music on during sex, dirty talk and a man who will tell me exactly how his cock is feeling, plus a bullet and some lube. I have found precisely zero men who are up for all that. Dh was with me for 15 years and still never remembered to wet his fingers before touching me. Right now things are tough, you're going to need gold star sex to feel interested. He should care.