Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending marriage so soon

42 replies

FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 22:33

Name changed as don’t want this linked to previous posts. DH and I got married last summer. We’re late 20s. We hadn’t been getting along for over a year but just got caught up in all the wedding rush, neither of us felt like we could pull out etc. We want different things in life, we spend our days avoiding each other. How do we get out? Do I stick it out and hope for the best? Maybe it’s just a phase? The “problem” is we’re both good people, good jobs, reliable, there’s no cheating, we have a long history, common friends. But I think we just don’t love each other anymore. This will absolutely cush our parents and I’m not sure if I can deal with the fall out. But this marriage feels like a sham. I looked up divorce and we can’t even get one yet! And it requires us blaming each other which feels wrong. I can’t stop thinking about splitting up but also not sure if I can go through with it. Any advice would be appreciated...

OP posts:
mrwalkensir · 09/03/2018 22:37

if your parents care about you, they'll be relieved you realised it really wasn't working and got out. Buried my father recently who clearly massively regretted two appalling marriages. Life really is too short.

mrwalkensir · 09/03/2018 22:39

and if you can't get divorced yet, it gives you breathing time.

HeddaGarbled · 09/03/2018 22:42

You are as clear a case for relationship counselling as could be. Your marriage may be salvageable, it may not. I think you need some objective help to unravel what's going on, support you to fix things if possible, or to extricate yourselves as painlessly and amicably as you can, if not.

Lovelyivy · 09/03/2018 22:47

Get out while you still can! My sister was exactly in same relationship and decided to stay...they went counselling, holidays,..things always got better for a while and then bad again ... they divorced after 7years...she still regrets she didn't do it sooner!

Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 22:47

Thanks mrwalkensir! I just keep thinking what if I can’t do any better than this? Throwing away a stable marriage to start dating at 29? Who is going to want to go out with a 29 yeard old divorced woman? On paper, he’s such a great guy. But we really do want such different things, I feel like there is no way to make this work without one of us making pretty big sacrifices. It’s so stupid, we knew this all along and we both thought the other one would change....

OP posts:
Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 22:48

Thank you all!

OP posts:
trackrBird · 09/03/2018 22:49

Have a talk with him. If he feels the same you could try living apart for a while, if your finances can cover it.

trackrBird · 09/03/2018 22:51

Who is going to want to go out with a 29 yeard old divorced woman?

:) lots and lots of people, you would be fighting them off

Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 22:51

That’s the thing - things do get better for a while! And then we’re back where we started, all the old arguments come back. We’ve been going in circles for years. We had such a massive, lovely wedding - I feel really bad for all the people that travelled all that way and gave us such lovely presents!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 22:52

We did have a talk the other night, he feels the same way, down to the guilt and sense of duty to stay. We somehow decided to give it another try. We used to have major screaming matches - we don’t even fight anymore!

OP posts:
Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 22:54

I just feel like such a massive screw up!

OP posts:
SevenStones · 09/03/2018 23:25

If you both feel the same way, both avoid each other, both want different things, both know you expected the other to change but they haven't...why on earth have you decided to give it another try?

Sense of duty to whom?

This sounds like madness. Why not admit you both made a mistake and get on with your (separate) lives.

Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 23:33

I think it started to feel too real and we backed out.

OP posts:
Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 23:36

I’m going to see my parents this weekend and will bring it up with them, they’re the only people I think I could maybe talk to about it. It’s madness but we’ve been together a really long time and all our friends are by now somehow common friends! I don’t feel like I can talk about it to anyone. My heart is racing just thinking about it.

OP posts:
userxx · 09/03/2018 23:37

You both sound like you know the marriage isn't right, cut your losses and move on.

Hermonie2016 · 09/03/2018 23:39

What have you argued about? I wonder if the screaming rows caused a disconnection.

It is worth speaking to someone as you seem to have a good foundation and share friends so can you be so different?

I am not suggesting you stay at all costs however but you may both need to change how you communicate.Unhealthy arguing can cause the emotional disconnect you are both feeling.

Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 23:39

I genuinely feel like a massive failure. Which is ridiculuous because I wouldn’t judge another woman having a divorce. Honestly. Never. But the expensive wedding dress, the wedding, the honeymoon- utter madness.

OP posts:
Rightmovestalker · 09/03/2018 23:41

Good lord, life's too short, leave!

Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 23:47

The problem stems from what we want/our background. He’s from a more traditional/religious background which didn’t matter when we were at uni. But now he wants me to be home more, be more domestic, change my name, move back to our home country. I’m building a great career which I love but also requires long hours for now and I’m not going to give it up. I love it here. There is nothing for me in our home country but become an isolated housewife (his home town is very far away from everything else).

OP posts:
Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 23:49

The screaming rows did cause a disconnection. Some things were said that neither of us can get over.

OP posts:
Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 23:50

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 23:51

We share friends because we went to the same uni and we’re both immigrants from the same place.

OP posts:
userxx · 09/03/2018 23:52

You both want very different things and it's only going to work if one of you compromise massively, then the resentment will kick in.

Original poster
FiveStar2805 · 09/03/2018 23:52

That’s what I’m afraid of @userxx

OP posts:
DevilsDoorbell · 09/03/2018 23:53

I also don’t see the point in giving it another go. It’s. It a case of you both compromising. One of you will be desperately unhappy.

End it now whilst you still like and respect one another. Give it a few years and there will be itching but hatred, resentment and bitterness.