Ending marriage so soon

[FiveStar2805]

Name changed as don’t want this linked to previous posts. DH and I got married last summer. We’re late 20s. We hadn’t been getting along for over a year but just got caught up in all the wedding rush, neither of us felt like we could pull out etc. We want different things in life, we spend our days avoiding each other. How do we get out? Do I stick it out and hope for the best? Maybe it’s just a phase? The “problem” is we’re both good people, good jobs, reliable, there’s no cheating, we have a long history, common friends. But I think we just don’t love each other anymore. This will absolutely cush our parents and I’m not sure if I can deal with the fall out. But this marriage feels like a sham. I looked up divorce and we can’t even get one yet! And it requires us blaming each other which feels wrong. I can’t stop thinking about splitting up but also not sure if I can go through with it. Any advice would be appreciated...

Nothing not itching!

youre not a failure. It wont be as big a deal to others as you think. Hasnt practically everyone got a failed marriage behind them these days? Ive got one, my mums got three! If anything people will just feel sad for you for a while.

Neither of you have done anything wrong. You dont owe your parents or anyone else anything in this respect.

i didnt read the update. You honestly are about to embark on the best years of your life, and I really dont think you need him weighing you down

Get it. My ex and I separated after 18 months. He called it off but he just blinked first. Thank goodness he did. It was shit for a whole and i felt this incredible shame but life soon got better. Just get on with it. Really - you'll be fine

Oh and when it came to the practicalities I said 'im going to petition for unreasonable behaviour just because it's the easiest quickest way and we both want it done. This is what I've written so you're not surprised when it comes through.' we were having dinner in in wagamamas at the time :)

And it was fine

It sounds as if you are good friends, as if people thought you’d always end up together - you did - but the story didn’t come with a neat ending.

The fact that you feel slightly mortified about it is ok, because it shows how seriously you’ve taken it, and that you’re not considering splitting up lightly. And I may be wrong but I suspect many of us stick in a defunct relationship partly from embarrassment.

So I think your feelings are quite healthy and only to be expected. If you decide to split, an amicable split would be a great outcome.

But just quietly experimenting with living apart for a while might be a start. Whatever anyone else thinks, in the end, it’s no-one’s business but your own.

Thanks everyone! This morning I feel like my mind is made up and so is his, I think. I’ll start getting things in motion. How long does it take to be awarded a divorce from when you file the petition? Splitting finances will be easy on our part, we’ve always kept things separate.

Thank you for all your kind words.

Took blimmin ages for me but that's because I messed up the paperwork twice . If you're less stupid than me you can get it all done in six months I reckon yourself if you're happy not to involve solicitors - plenty will say you need one to sort an official financial settlement even if you agree things between you. We didn't bother because like you and yours my ex and I still liked and trusted each other , and still do
Good luck!

Don´t waste your life in an unhappy marriage because you are embarrassed about splitting up so soon. I can guarantee you that not one single guest at your wedding would want you to stay in a relationship that made you unhappy because they had given you a big present or travelled a long way to be there.

Glad you feel more settled in your mind today. There might be some tricky days ahead, but nothing you can’t handle.

If it would make you feel better could you hand the gifts back or repay monies given?

The bit about the wedding is that we’re from a different country, much more traditional, where people don’t divorce, I’m going to get a lot of “but you need to work it out” “you’ve made vows” “think of the embarrassment for your parents” etc. And eveyone will be blaming me, not him. Which is why I also want to talk to my parents first, give them a heads up. I live in the UK so they’re the ones who will actually have to deal with some of the (social) fallout.
Given we can’t even get a divorce yet, my plan is to look for a place to stay (I’m not a fan of the area we live in but he is), live apart, quietly get things in motion, other people don’t need to know yet. I’m confident H will be quite calculated and reasonable about this, especially after our talk a few days ago.

Oh, people won’t accept the gifts back. They would face a lot of backlash from their own communities if they did that. It’s more that I feel bad about how lovely and nice people were! I feel like we deceived them. Oh well...I’m not going to stay in a miserable marriage because if that though.

I dont think you need to tell them yet. Work out with your husband to live seperatly, or live together but with seperate lives or whatever you need to do to make this easier on yourselves.
Your families are obviously not going to be delighted, but the other choice is to stay in a sham marriage and give up on your own happiness. I really dont think thats even an option, and it shouldnt be. You dont have kids, so while this is a mistake and a fuck up, it could be a hell of a lot worse

29 is young nowadays. Always hard going against social norms (we had that a bit with ours) but years from now they'll give you credit. And as [Branleause] says, no children involved yet. Worth a year or two of stress for the long term benefit. When you see somebody on their deathbed who massively regretted the last 25 years of their life (to the extent of trying suicide) because they were too weak to get out (although to be fair it sounds like you have a better relationship than they ever had - which I realise is why it's harder) it's def worth it. Talk it over in the calm and friendship of your relationship and fingers crossed your parents will be quietly supportive. They might even see you as role models for the future xxx

You’re really making the right decision here. If you move somewhere you’re isolated and have children you’ll never get out. If he already doesn’t respect your wishes he will only get worse.

You tried, you really did. Let him find a housekeeper to marry and you go have a good life of your own with someone who respects you.

The bit about the wedding is that we’re from a different country, much more traditional, where people don’t divorce, I’m going to get a lot of “but you need to work it out” “you’ve made vows” “think of the embarrassment for your parents” etc

I would develop a generic and bland response to this, something like "thanks but we know we're making the right decision for our future happiness. We have put a lot of thought into this and we both know our parents wouldn't want to see us being unhappy."

At 29 with no DC you'll be beating them off with a stick, trust me!