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Original poster

Sons boyfriend LYING about cancer?

38 replies

oliviaboo1 · 09/03/2018 19:34

My son has been with his partner for around 6 months now and unfortunately I think he is lying about having cancer. He claims to have bowel cancer but has had treatment such as chemo/radiotherapy before having any tumour removed (also at the same time? Can you have chemo and radiotherapy at the same time?) The operation itself was done as if he was a day patient, in and out, just in time for Eastenders. That can't be right, surely? Not even an overnight when you've had cancer removed?? His recovery time was very quick but the real rub is the scar. It doesn't look like the kind of scar you would have for bowel cancer. It's in the wrong place for a start. More like lower left side, diagonal. I don't doubt he has had something wrong but I really don't know what to do as I don't want to call him a liar, but nothing adds up. There's been no paperwork as such for anyone to see with the words cancer on it and so far he has had no follow up "treatment" or anything similar.

Advice please?? Or any help on what it may be that he had done?

OP posts:

showgirl · 09/03/2018 19:41

You can have chemo before surgery this is not uncommon. It's also not uncommon to have day surgery for cancer (mastectomy is often day surgery.) Bowl I would be surprised as they would want to make sure that your bowl doesn't become necrotic. I am not clinical so I could be completely wrong.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/03/2018 19:43

What's happening as a result of this? Is he saying he can't work and relying on your son for money?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/03/2018 19:44

How old is the scar? When does he say he had treatment?

trackrBird · 09/03/2018 19:56

Is there anything else going on that shouldn’t be?

1234hello · 09/03/2018 20:01

Nothing in your post is medically impossible, or even unlikely. How do you know there is no paperwork? How old is this person? There must be something else to make you think he is lying? Have you had previous experience of bowel operations to know about the scar position?

No point asking internet randoms what we think he has had done

SilentBob · 09/03/2018 20:01

I know a man who lied about this, among a lot of other things, including the death of a partner in real time- late for a meeting at work and claimed his boyfriend had died the night before. His name doesn't begin with L does it?

TolchockLovelyInTheLitso · 09/03/2018 20:03

Lots of people have chemo and radio at the same time, whether before or after surgery. I'm no expert on bowel cancer, but hospital stays can be surprisingly short. I only stayed one night for brain surgery. There doesn't seem to be any reason to think he's lying based on the details you give in the OP, unless there's something else that makes you suspicious?

LIZS · 09/03/2018 20:04

You can have chemo and radio simultaneously (Dm had tablets) . Surgery could be keyhole but recovery is still lengthy, both physically and diet etc. Something does not sound right.

Lifeaback · 09/03/2018 20:05

Whilst none of this is medically impossible, if you or your son have a gut feeling that something's not right then something must be a bit strange- it's not often that people doubt cancer claims unless there's something suspicious IMO

LavenderDoll · 09/03/2018 20:16

None of what you have said is impossible
Is it more that you feel suspicious ?

SleepyOnTheSofa · 09/03/2018 20:18

I'm not clinical but I would be very surprised if bowel cancer was done as a day surgery case. My colleague was in for the best part of a week as they had to make sure waste was being passed properly and there was no infection, my friend had a single mastectomy and was in for 3 days and my son had a thyroidectomy in December - thyroid cancer - and was in for 1 night. We were told he would be in for between 1 and 3 nights.

Both chemo and radiotherapy can be used to shrink tumours before surgery though. I've no idea about scar position or what that might indicate.

My son was discharged with an information pack including copies of letters to his GP about the surgery he'd had and what they'd done, follow up appointments with the surgical team and a treatment plan from the Oncology team. Plus a bag of medication from the hospital pharmacy including sterile wipes, saline and dressings so he could clean and dress his surgical wound until it healed.

You've obviously got reasons for your suspicions but it doesn't sound right to me.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/03/2018 20:19

It's not an appendectomy scar is it? My DD had her appendix out and has a scar like this.

feelinginthedark · 09/03/2018 20:23

Appendix scar would be on the right

SequinsOnEverything · 09/03/2018 20:24

Are you expecting him to bring you a letter confirming his cancer? That would be a weird things to show your partner's parents wouldn't it?

You absolutely can have chemo and radiotherapy at the same time, it's quite common. I know for sure radiotherapy can be used to shrink a tumour before surgery, not sure about chemo.

SandyY2K · 09/03/2018 20:27

My DF had bowel cancer and was in for over a week, but he was over 70 at the time..... so perhaps that makes a difference.

It depends on the stage of cancer and a number of other things.

Has your DS ever offered to go to chemo with him and he declined? Has he said the duration of the chemo?

There must be other reasons for your suspicion.

CheeseyToast · 09/03/2018 20:29

I don't understand why you're suspicious. Has he asked for money?

Original poster

oliviaboo1 · 09/03/2018 20:31

He refuses to tell his parents that he is ill. He fell out with his father when he came out as gay and doesn't live at home. He stayed with us for about two weeks after the operation but was near enough recovered a few days after. He had paper work saying things like don't drink, have bed rest but nothing about treating the wound, no medication etc. I'm not expecting to see any letters however there is nothing other than his word. The operation was in January and the scar has healed well and is looking very good but again I just don't believe it has been bowel cancer. He is in his early twenties and his relationship with my son has been turbulent to say the least and am worried he is getting involved with a potential liar.

OP posts:

Original poster

oliviaboo1 · 09/03/2018 20:34

The cancer just suddenly came out of nowhere, no signs of being ill or unwell at all previously. He always had reasons my son couldn't go with him to appointments, being at work etc. Once they get together again, he seemed to have finished chemotherapy treatment but it seems like he didn't have many sessions in the first place? I may just be very ignorant about the whole situation but none of it sits well with me.

OP posts:

LivLemler · 09/03/2018 20:35

I have no medical training.

A relative has had bowel cancer three times. Each has involved at least two weeks in hospital following surgery. One of those should've been only one week but there were mild complications - but there is no way he would've been out earlier than a week.

Surgery can now be done laparoscopically - but that will involve a few small incisions along with a larger one to get the tumour out IME. AFAIK, chemo and radiotherapy are used before surgery in more advanced cases. Early cases are treated purely with surgery.

Again, all just IME.

ButtMuncher · 09/03/2018 20:38

Okay so without knowing if he's lying or not here is my experience -

Had a boyfriend who would regularly make up illnesses whenever we fell out - so an argument would be followed by a mysterious illness that would require a GP visit. He would regularly make up tales, and was very emotionally draining with wild mood swings. If he was happy, his health was fine, but if he felt neglected or unhappy with me, or anyone, he would revert to the sick role and it would be anything from 'the flu' or worse - he'd tell me he was in a&e if I'd been delayed in replying (to prompt me to call). His biggest lie was having cancer - this happened when I had made attempts to break the relationship off, and however dubious I was of it, I stuck around for a bit but asked questions - which hospital, which consultant, what was treatment - his lie fell apart within the month (he tried to mimic a scar from surgery) and he said he'd done so because he was scared of me leaving.

I'm not saying this is the case for your sons boyfriend, but just giving wider context as to why I think my experience happened. You said the relationship was rocky, which made me think of my own situation.

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 09/03/2018 20:41

I've obviously no idea if he is lying but I experienced someone lying about cancer to me. The lies escalated to terminal cancer with multiple tumours. He used it as an emotional blackmail and it was an awful time for me and the man he was obsessed with. My mum was the first to question if it was the truth. I thought it was terrible that she could think such a thing. But things got weirder and weirder and in the end he was found out. I felt awful for questioning whether someone could lie about such things. But he did. His behaviour became quite frightening by the end. I remember trying to get answers to things, nothing added up. If your gut instinct tells you something isn't right then something may be wrong. Be careful and look out for your son. In my case he was a very nasty, manipulative person

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 09/03/2018 20:42

Oh and these things can have nothing to do with money the others questions. In my case it was the emotional manipulation.

Nsbgsyebebdnd · 09/03/2018 20:43

Meant to say re the other posters questions

LoveProsecco · 09/03/2018 20:46

It's very sick if he is making this up. Are there other ways you have doubted his honesty & integrity?

Original poster

oliviaboo1 · 09/03/2018 20:47

The scar is around 6/7 inches long, left side, around his waist - is this consistent with a bowel cancer operation? What else could it be? I did consider appendix, like previous poster said but that's not the same side.

OP posts:

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