Sons boyfriend LYING about cancer?

[oliviaboo1]

My son has been with his partner for around 6 months now and unfortunately I think he is lying about having cancer. He claims to have bowel cancer but has had treatment such as chemo/radiotherapy before having any tumour removed (also at the same time? Can you have chemo and radiotherapy at the same time?) The operation itself was done as if he was a day patient, in and out, just in time for Eastenders. That can't be right, surely? Not even an overnight when you've had cancer removed?? His recovery time was very quick but the real rub is the scar. It doesn't look like the kind of scar you would have for bowel cancer. It's in the wrong place for a start. More like lower left side, diagonal. I don't doubt he has had something wrong but I really don't know what to do as I don't want to call him a liar, but nothing adds up. There's been no paperwork as such for anyone to see with the words cancer on it and so far he has had no follow up "treatment" or anything similar.

Advice please?? Or any help on what it may be that he had done?

Dm has a long scar about level with belly button but of course location would depend where the tumour was supposed to be. It seems unlikely that he would be discharged same day with such a wound though. Dm had drains and significant pain relief. Couldn't lift or drive for several months.

You can have chemo and radio at the same time, and it’s common to have it prior surgery to shrink the tumour first. That’s quite a sizeable scar, especially for a day surgery! Most things are done keyhole these days so that is an indicator that it was a slightly more serious op. Has he got follow up planned?

Everything seems feasible to me as a doctor part from being a day case. It would be very unusual to be a daycase with such a large wound, however to be in just one night is not uncommon .

Does your son have suspicions or does he believe it? You say the boyfriend is staying with you- do you have a good relationship with him? If so I'd try to insist upon taking him to any follow up appointments etc he has, taking a day off work if necessary. If he's telling the truth no harm done if you go from a 'we're here for you' angle, if he's not then he'd do everything in his power to stop you and I think it'd become obvious something's amiss. Someone who lies about having cancer is a very very toxic person so I'd tread carefully in order not to be openly suspicious (especially because it could be true!) but I'd do a lot of research and ask a lot of questions.

His age will definitely be to his advantage. Much of what you have said about him, could also relate to my Friend's Brother. I cannot tell you how well he looks and he's never needed to stay as an inpatient after treatment.

That's quite a sizeable scar though.

Could you ask him various bits, like what ward does he goes to? Do they have a day treatment section that they do chemo etc? How long the chemo drip is usually set up for? If it is a drip, try to be lighthearted and say that it must be a pain if he needs the loo before it finishes, as he'll have to pull the contraption with him. Ask him if he gets bored and is the chemo different colour liquid (apparently, this is a thing)

Try to find out if there are regular attendees that he's got to know and have any of them passed away since he's been going. (My friend said this is very hard for her Brother to see)

Obviously you can't ask these things all at once, just casually ask when you're chatting.

If try and find out which hospital it was.

The left side is where my DFs scar was. That is a very large scar. DF was in surgery for 10 hours under GA...no way was he able to be discharged the same day.

Who picked him up from the hospital? Because I had a dental extraction under sedation and was not allowed to leave on my own.

DH had an investigative appointment under mild sedation and could not leave without being accompanied.

Making excuses not to have your DS there is dodgy to me.

Ask if he's got a review period with the oncologist. Or just say you have a friend of a friend going to that hospital who has bowel cancer and ask who his consultant/oncologist was. See if he is able to come up with a name.

Or say the same person is anxious about the treatment they'll be having and you wondered if he'd be willing to talk to them to allay their fears. Just watch his expression and response. If he agrees.. I'll play the friend of a friend for you.

As my DF had bowel cancer, I know a lot about it...from listening to numerous medics.

Well I know a young guy dying of bowel cancer and you would never guess from his appearance.

I’d leave it, if he’s telling the truth and works out you suspect he’s lying you ll never be forgiven

Olivia,

re your comment:-
"He is in his early twenties and his relationship with my son has been turbulent to say the least and am worried he is getting involved with a potential liar".

I think your fears are not without foundation here, infact that has already happened. I also know someone who lied about cancer and he was going around telling people too. It was attention seeking behaviour and emotional manipulation.

Have you talked to your son about his relationship with this person, if it has been turbulent to date the chances are that it will be going forward as well. What does your son get out of this relationship with this man?. Your son could have easily been taken in by a master manipulator here; men can be manipulated in relationships too.

Chemo can be used to shrink a tumour prior to surgery or afterwards to blast everywhere to prevent more occurring. That sounds like quite a big scar and the wrong side for an appendix. Also sometimes they open up and decide the tumour is too big or difficult to remove so go for chemo first instead.

No, that doesn't sound like my DD's appendix scar now! Much bigger! Although she has a friend who had peritonitis, and his scar is HUGE.

That sounds like a Rutherford-Morrison incision. It can be used for bowel surgery to access the colon. I'm surprised that he was released the same day, but without knowing what operation he had, it's impossible to judge. Either way, you don't fake a 6-7 inch scar, so he's had a significant surgery. These days, they go laparoscopically if they possibly can, so the fact that he had open surgery means that there was a significant 'something' to deal with, or it was in a very awkward place.

My DH appendix scar sounds like this, but his was done in the 80's. I presume now it would be much smaller