New baby DP mood swings

[Tortoise22]

I need some advice about my DP’s mood swings.

We have been together for 10 years and in this time I have had to get used to the fact that every so often he “needs” to get his emotions out the only way he knows how; through getting angry and starting an argument. I come from a very placid family in which all conflict was avoided so I find these arguments quite difficult to deal with, even after so long together.

Things have been worse since our DS was born 8 weeks ago. Every couple of weeks he will come home from work in a foul mood and will start having a go about how everyone takes him for granted. He says that I am taking the piss by being lazy on my maternity leave and not doing anything around the house (Not true). He doesn’t like it when I have social arrangements during the day as this is “unfair” but he equally doesn’t like it when I make social arrangements at the weekend because he says he can’t cope with the stress and effort of socialising with my friends and family.

He has his own business and is a workaholic. He has staff who work for him but he is a perfectionist so seems that nothing anyone else does for the business is ever good enough. It seems that this attitude is now transferring onto my performance as a SAHP. Last night he accused me of conditioning the baby to only be soothed by breastfeeding so there is nothing he can do with him in the evenings (DS cluster feeds almost every evening from 5pm - 9pm).

These moods are usually only solved by time, sleep and food but have a tendency to ruin our weekends and make me feel upset, unsupported and anxious. A few days after he will sometimes see that he was behaving unreasonably and sometimes apologise. When he’s not in one of these moods he’s lovely, supportive, kind, a doting father, but I’m so tired of going through this cycle whilst being so sleep deprived and everything else that comes with a new baby.

I suppose I am just looking for suggestions of how to handle this and anyone who has been through anything similar. Any help would be greatly appreciated as I really don’t know who to talk to about this.

Accusing you of training an 8 week old is ridiculous. I have no suggestions unfortunately but just wanted to say he's being a bit of a dick.

Do you have family support? You are certainly not getting any support from your DP. IMHO, you are too understanding of his moods. I would insist that he gets help. This situation is not sustainable while you are caring for a young baby.

Hmmm it sounds as though he perhaps has some misconceptions / expectations about having a newborn that he needs to address. When he is in a receptive frame of mind, perhaps point him to websites or books that explain cluster feeding and the fourth trimester so that he recognises that your baby is behaving very normally. Also it is impossible to 'condition' a baby at that age; wanting to breastfeed for comfort is perfectly normal and natural. It is, in fact, our modern way of life that conditions us into thinking this is not the case! In any case, it won't last forever. Soon your baby will be happy to have some daddy time in the evenings and at that point perhaps he could start a nice play time/bath time routine with her.
As for the socialising and housework - he does just sound unreasonable here. I would tell him your priority is the baby so if housework isn't up to standard then he needs to make up the shortfall at weekends. As for going out - it's good for the baby to get out and important for your wellbeing too. Being cooped up with a baby all day is no fun! I think he just needs to get over that to be honest. At the weekend maybe agree that Sundays are just for you guys as a family and to chill out or maybe alternate sociable weekends and lazy weekends? Again, doing absolutely nothing at weekends sounds boring and not very healthy!

Thanks @gummygoddess it’s actually surprisingly comforting to hear that from someone else!

I would ask the hv to have a stern word and explain that your baby needs to cluster feed to grow and put on weight and give him examples of things he can do to help such as burping the baby etc.

In relation to the rest he sounds like a dick and I'm afraid I don't have much helpful advice other than to tell him to give his head a wobble and stop being a manchild!

Sorry for no paragraphs, the stupid app doesn't put them in.

Thanks everyone it’s really nice to read your supportive words!

@disappearing my parents are over 2hours away, they are very supportive but I find it difficult to talk to my mum without her getting over protective of me and too negative towards DP. I’ve spoken to my MIL about it a bit and she just seems to think it’s normal in a relationship and something that I need to ride out.

@katniss thanks for all your advice. I’m hoping things will get easier as the baby grows. DP is a fan of routine so I think this will help when we can have a bath/bed routine. I just don’t want to be wishing away these newborn days.

How can I suggest he gets help? Counselling / anger management? I’m not sure how I would start this conversation

I've always thought that being able to meet other friends was a perk of being on leave, balances out that you can't go to the loo alone! Just a bonus that the babies entertain each other too. Just like a perk of a job is getting a lunch break that you can spend alone or at the gym, etc.

He's behaving like a child and I'm angry on your behalf. How dare he pile on additional pressure. If I didn't do social things whole on mat leave I would have died of boredom.
He needs to grow up quick

You are being much, much too understanding of his dickish behaviour here.

You are at home with a young baby, and you need the understanding and support of your partner - any kind and thoughtful man would understand this. It's NOT all about him at this stage.

Stop running round worrying about him and kick his arse into gear.

I second the opinion that you are trying to be much too understanding. Assert yourself in no uncertain terms. You have the right to socialise how your damn well please and keep house to your own satisfaction not yours. At 8 weeks you are doing amazingly just to more or less survive. Fuck him get angry.

So you are having to manage and accommodate his moods. If he has a bad mood he takes it out on you. And it’s worse since you’ve had a baby?

It’s good that he apologises but I don’t like the sound of this, particularly its cyclical nature. It sounds as if your DM has picked up that something is wrong.

Thanks everyone. I think I recognise that I am a bit spineless in not sticking up for myself when he is being like this. That’s why I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends about it because I just come across as being weak.

I think I was hoping that things would be better not worse with the arrival of DS - either he would be less work focused or I would be better at telling him where to go.

Have you actually told him that you feel upset, unsupported and anxious? If he really is a nice man then he shouldn't want his partner to feel like this -
especially with a young baby.

If you tell him how you feel and he doesn't respond in the right way, then the next option is to suggest marriage guidance counselling. Hopefully that will shock him into realising what he is doing.

What was he like pre baby? My ex was like this, post baby sometimes he could be lovely, then every now and again he got pissed with something and I ended up tip toeing around him. Whilst I managed to bond with my babies very well, i resent the time that he moaned and made everything about him. i hate to tell you but as soon as your modifying your behaviour so he doesn't get angry, that is already manipulative and some would say abusive. I was with my ex for 21 years, I loved him dearly and I had two very much wanted (on my side beautiful children). But I wish he'd have been more supportive and less stuck his own arse to see that actually, you need help.

He never did a night waking, didn't stay alone with my youngest until he was about a year old. The behavior worsened and in the end became very emotionally abusive so i had no choice but to leave.

You need to sit down with him, express your needs and how it makes you feel. if he doesn't listen he never will and I would reevaluate your relationship.

Sounds like you are doing a great job with your newborn. Don't taint this beautiful period with that shit, he needs to stop.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?. Be honest, if it was not for your child would you still want to be with him now?.

I also think you have been far too over accommodating of him here.
Such men do not change, he was also like this before his son was born and this is who he is going forwards too. Accommodating his moods is a slippery slope downwards.

I doubt very much that he will even entertain the idea of either having counselling or anger management. How does he behave around other people and or in company?. Well I trust. Are you the one now who is copping all this rubbish behaviour from him?.

When is this man exactly a kind and loving father to his child?. Would you want your son to treat his future wife or partner like this?. What do you want to teach your son about relationships?. Do not do your bit here to show your as yet 8 week old son going forward that yes, this is how men treat women in relationships.

I would have a long think about your relationship and where this is going ultimately. I also think you have handed over way too much of your own power and control in this relationship for the sake of conflict avoidance. He knows that all too well and has used this to his advantage.

I do not like the sound of this man either, when are you ever supposed to socialise?. I am not surprised that your mother does not like him at all. His own mother sides with him with her rubbish comment, "it’s normal in a relationship and something that I need to ride out". No its not normal at all and no you do not have to ride this out. You have a choice re this man, your son does not.

All of these responses are making me face up to a lot of things that have been just below the surface for me for so long. One of the most difficult things for me is the way that he is so Jekyll and Hyde. On balance there is more good than bad. Last weekend we had such a nice time as a family and it was like all this nastiness and stress has disappeared... only to return again last night.

I was quite seriously ill in the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy and had a fairly traumatic induced delivery and he was amazing throughout all of it; memories of this period make me question the doubts I have about the relationship on bad days.

Some of the comments that have hit home...

What was he like pre baby?
Like this but less often. He says it’s the stress of work combined with the lack of sleep that’s making him blow up like this.

as soon as your modifying your behaviour so he doesn't get angry, that is already manipulative and some would say abusive
I’m aware of this and feel this rings true (although I desperately want to deny that I am letting this happen), I just don’t know how I could say this out loud to him. I expect (on a reasonable day) his response would be along the lines of “you should tell me to get stuffed! You shouldn’t do things you don’t want to!”. Which I guess amounts to victim blaming. I think he has grown up in a family in which arguing, anger and name calling are part of relationships and something that happens in the heat of the moment that you forget about later.

How does he behave around other people and or in company?. Well I trust.
Like a polite, cordial, witty angel

you have handed over way too much of your own power and control in this relationship for the sake of conflict avoidance.
I think this is true. It’s been a gradual decline and I need to regain my power balance.

So much to think about.

Tortoise it took me years to recognise my relationship for what it was. You are seeing it already so you could, potentially try and see if he will change or at least talk. If he won't engage you have your answer. I wish I was as wise back then as i am now, I know its hard. You deny it for so long as you feel responsible for it. I ask myself now, does anyone else in my life treat me like he does. The answer is no. All my other relationships are friendly, loving and supportive. And that is how a relationship can be.

I thought it was normal, now when I see genuinely happy couples I realise what I missed out on all those years. Keep observing, and see if he will talk. But if you have to think about "catching" him at the right move.....again that is manipulation. If he won't engage, you have another reason to reevaluate.

If he can control his behaviour around others then its a choice.

It isn't acceptable to use you as a whipping boy and he has to find other strategies for coping.

I would recommend Patricia Evan, the verbally abusive relationship.It will help you understand his mindset and help you to be assertive.His behaviour isn't acceptable and he needs to learn you will not tolerate it.
It doesn't need to be aggressive, just assertive. Make him aware you will not tolerate his venting at you, end the conversation or ask him to leave the room til he can be calmer.
He is behaving like a toddler with poor emotional regulation and he needs to sort it.

I honestly don't know how you've put up with this behaviour for so long.

Everything you're doing with the baby is 100% normal. I think he's jealous of your bond with the baby...and that's why his behaviour is escalating.

If it were me I'd be very tempted to leave the house with the baby and go to my parents and tell him I'd come back once he's prepared to treat me with respect and stop these ridiculous moods.

I'd just pack and go. My DH annoyed me a few times when DD was a baby...He pushed me too far once, so I packed a few things, took DD and checked into a hotel (My parents are over 3 hours away) and he was shit scared.

He realised that I wasn't going to put up with his nonsense and he'd be the one who saw DD very part time if we split up.

why are you being so accommodating?

you are describing my dad. He has been like this with my mum for about 50 years. It's why I avoid him. Frankly I can't believe he's still here but these horrible temperamental cranky gits always live to 103....he'll probably outlive me.

do you want your DC to be saying that about their dad when they are adults? Either he gets "help" - if there is help for being a Grade A asshat - or he ships out. I've chucked my dad out of my flat twice for this behaviour and now he's banned from visiting.

Of your MiL thinks this is normal and you have to ride it out, it makes me wonder about the dynamics of his childhood and how much he learned .
from his parents.

He may have his own business but he isn't your boss. You have to stand up to him.

I second what pudding and many others have said... if you are altering your behaviour in the hope of not aggravating him, if you have to ‘pick your moment’ to raise a subject...then you are already being ruled by fear.

This may sound extreme, but that phrase ‘walking on eggshells’ is a euphemism for that: living on the edge, worrying what he’s going to pick on next.

Your baby is only 8 weeks old. He should be worshipping you! And doing everything he can to ease your path.

His priority at the moment should be supporting YOU, not picking holes in what you’re doing and castigating you for going for coffee with other new mums or mates. He should be thinking how brilliantly you’re doing, even though you’re feeling knackered and unlovely.

Privately, tell your Health Visitor what he’s doing. You are very vulnerable post-birth, you need lots of support. Unfortunately Health Visitors see this quite often. I think your H had controlling tendencies before the birth, and now he is ratcheting up to being abusive. He is critical of you and manipulating you and, frankly, scaring you with his anger...this is not right.

I know it is hard to hear, but this IS what’s happening to you. If you are too afraid to bring up the subject of anger management with him, then you must conclude that he is bullying you.

I’m really sorry you are going through this OP, I recognise it because it is what happened to me. I come from a family of non-confronters and my XH was quick to temper and quick to cool down again, or so I thought. At first I thought this was healthier than bottling things up. Until I realised how bad it had got, how scared I was and how miserable I was. And it escalated rapidly even days after the birth of our first dc.The worst bit was that no matter how much I tried to communicate with him - gently, tactfully, diplomatically etc. - pleading, he just didn’t care and in fact got angrier and more terrifying. Needless to say he didn’t behave like this with anyone else...somehow I had become the incompetent, selfish, lazy one who needed telling. It was heartbreaking, and just kind of kills your soul and kills everything you hoped for in terms of a happy family life.

I’m not sure you can do much to change him...you’ve already tried telling him how much his behaviour upsets you. The best thing you can do is to keep seeing your friends, ALLOW your mum to support you...she must be worried for you, maybe you and the baby could go and stay with your parents for a bit. Don’t let him isolate you from your family and friends...even though his criticism is aimed at questioning your loyalty and cutting you off from support.

Sorry to be depressing. It is hard to believe that someone who you love is doing this to you. You are not a failure. It is him that is failing you at this time. It is not your job to make things right for him, don’t let him convince you that it is.

He’s not your boss, and you’re not his punching bag. It is doubly unacceptable for him to take these stresses out on you when you are trying to manage a new baby. If you can’t say these things can you make flash cards to throw at him? Go through them with him when he is in a good mood which ones you will pull out for each situation -‘ I’m not your slave or housekeeper and I’m allowed to have friends’ ‘I’m a good mother, this behaviour is normal, a newborn is difficult and if you arent going to help please fuck off’ ‘I am your wife/ partner. You may not take your stress out on me. If you can’t control yourself fuck off until you can’