New baby DP mood swings

[Tortoise22]

I need some advice about my DP’s mood swings.

We have been together for 10 years and in this time I have had to get used to the fact that every so often he “needs” to get his emotions out the only way he knows how; through getting angry and starting an argument. I come from a very placid family in which all conflict was avoided so I find these arguments quite difficult to deal with, even after so long together.

Things have been worse since our DS was born 8 weeks ago. Every couple of weeks he will come home from work in a foul mood and will start having a go about how everyone takes him for granted. He says that I am taking the piss by being lazy on my maternity leave and not doing anything around the house (Not true). He doesn’t like it when I have social arrangements during the day as this is “unfair” but he equally doesn’t like it when I make social arrangements at the weekend because he says he can’t cope with the stress and effort of socialising with my friends and family.

He has his own business and is a workaholic. He has staff who work for him but he is a perfectionist so seems that nothing anyone else does for the business is ever good enough. It seems that this attitude is now transferring onto my performance as a SAHP. Last night he accused me of conditioning the baby to only be soothed by breastfeeding so there is nothing he can do with him in the evenings (DS cluster feeds almost every evening from 5pm - 9pm).

These moods are usually only solved by time, sleep and food but have a tendency to ruin our weekends and make me feel upset, unsupported and anxious. A few days after he will sometimes see that he was behaving unreasonably and sometimes apologise. When he’s not in one of these moods he’s lovely, supportive, kind, a doting father, but I’m so tired of going through this cycle whilst being so sleep deprived and everything else that comes with a new baby.

I suppose I am just looking for suggestions of how to handle this and anyone who has been through anything similar. Any help would be greatly appreciated as I really don’t know who to talk to about this.

I have to echo what Hillfarmer said. You need to confide in someone, as what is happening is not right.

It may seem small, or that the good times outweigh the bad, but it is likely to get worse as time goes on. What you have described as his 'need' to get angry and start an argument is all too familiar:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse#/media/File:Cycle_of_Abuse.png

So is his Jekyll and Hyde nature, his resentment at your having a life outside the home, his criticism of you, and accusations that you are lazy when home with a newborn.

I know he isn't always like this and is lovely the rest of the time, but this is what can happen when controlling relationships step up a gear.

Do start by having a frank talk if you can. But don't feel you are to blame for this, by not being assertive enough, or letting it happen. If he is controlling, as he appears, then unluckily controlling people do not play by the same rules as the rest of us. The usual techniques can have unexpected effects, or no effect at all.

He is being a complete dick.. you need to pull him up in his behaviour . Having said that your lives have just been turned upside down and he is probably tired . I always let my dh sleep and I did night feeds because he has a stressful job and frankly needs to sleep . Do you think he may just be overtired or was he like this before the baby . In which case refer back to my first sentence .

He's being a knob
There's no justification for it.
How much longer would you stay with him if nothing changed?

Good post, Hillfarmer.

I can’t thank you enough to everyone who has taken the time to comment; I’ve never posted about anything this personal before and I feel quite overwhelmed with the feelings of support and solidarity from everyone.

Reading through these comments has made me reevaluate my position and I now feel a real change in myself that it’s not my responsibility and definitely not my priority to deal with his unreasonable and at times what I now recognise as controlling behaviour.

Things have been calm today but I have made the decision to prepare my confidence for the next event so that I can calmly stand my ground, tell him that I’ve had enough and will take DS to my mum’s. To be honest I have considered doing this before but thought that he would accuse me of taking DS without consent, but I now realise that this would be a completely reasonable response to his controlling behaviour.

I honesty don’t know what is going to happen to our relationship but I am determined to make sure that my DS is set positive and healthy examples. Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to read and post.

to you, op.

Your son is lucky to have such a calm and clear thinking mother. All the best