Just need to get this off my chest

[AskingForAnEnemy]

I have come to the realisation that my mother has never loved me.

I was never shown any love or affection after the age of around 5 or 6.

She told me once that she wished this girl that lived down the road was her daughter instead of me when I was around 14.

I was used as her emotional punching bag. If something was up then she took it out on me. She never physically hurt me but I was terrified of her.

When I was an older teen and started meeting boys she would tell me "they won't be interested in you"

I have extreme anxiety and major self confidence issues and I now realise it's all down to her.

Not really expecting any response but just needed to get my feelings out and tell somebody I don't want to write too much in case it's outing.

I don't want councilling as I don't want to dig up anything that's been buried.

I have a lot of fucking issues.

I have to run but read your post and am thinking of you.

There is something amiss with your Mother and nothing wrong with you. You were very unlucky to get her so you need help to repair the sense of security and love she should of given you.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I hope you can repair the damage done by finding other people who love you.

I feel sorry for your Mother to not be able to love.

HI - just wanted to say hello too, and sorry you got lumbered with such a shitty Mum.

But... you admit yourself you have a lot of fucking issues - you need professional counselling to help you work through these. If you don't want it, not quite sure what you want to do.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

Asking

Its not you, its your mother who has let you down abjectly here and left you floundering with FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) issues.

You were but a child and what happened to you was not your fault at all. You do not mention your dad here; where is he now?.

Have a look also at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these relationships pages and read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point.

You do need counselling though and you are worthy of it. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

What you have been through at your mother's hands will return time and time again to bite you at unexpected times and hard with it. This often happens as well when the adult child in question becomes a parent. These types of issues do not and cannot actually stay buried within because they will destroy you from the inside out. Please seek therapy for your own self, its an investment in you.

My mother was like this(dead now) she was the one with the problem not me. I think back to some of the stuff that she said to me and it’s unbelievable a mother would do that. I think I’m great !! And I’m sure you are too, don’t let her issues be yours

Thanks for replying. I have a husband who loves and supports me. He thinks councilling might help but I just don't really want to talk about it to somebody, like I can say that X happened in my childhood but I don't want to get into conversations of "how did that make you feel?" I suppose I don't want to confront those feelings? I don't want to bring them to the front of my mind.

The weird thing is I feel like I don't care. I don't care that I didn't receive love and affection. I'm mad because I should have but I don't care that I didn't, if that even makes sense? That's genuinely how I feel. I'm not upset that I wasn't shown love and affection, I'm just not. But it has had a knock on effect, I struggle to be loving and affectionate to my husband, he is however very loving and affectionate towards me.

Atilla My dad passed away before I was born. I often wonder if he'd been here how different things could have been, maybe he would have treated my differently.

I had a very good relationship with my grandparents (My mother's parents) especially my grandfather who was essentially the father figure in my life. I did not cope well when he died.

The not caring is a front that you have put up as both coping and defence mechanisms as a result of your mother's abusive treatment. Confronting the feelings you have now will help you rather than further hurt you.

You need to find someone who fits in with your approach as well as someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together. Interview these people at length before you actually decide on any one person to see, treat this like you would a job interview.

I think you care very much that you did not receive love and affection.
What happened to you as a child was your mother's fault and hers alone. I also wonder where your dad was when all this was going on because to my mind he is culpable as well. Do you have siblings, if so how were they treated compared to you?.

Your last sentence here is precisely why you should seek a therapist now, dysfunctional and abusive parenting like you received as a child spills over into all aspects of your adult life including relationships. What happened to you here at her hands was not your fault, the fault here is all hers entirely.

Thank you sparkle

Just be grateful for the relationship you had with your grandparents think of them in the parental role instead

Cross posted re your Dad. I am sorry to read that he died before you were born. I am glad that you had a good relationship with your grandparents and particularly your grandfather when he was alive.

I was the oldest child so I got the brunt of it but she wasn't loving and affectionate to my brother either. She's told me on more than one occasion that she wished she'd never had kids.

Yet she is great with my son. She dotes on him.

Yes I'm very thankful that I had my grandparents, I miss my grandfather a lot, I wish he was here.

Asking,

I would seriously consider now keeping your son well away from your mother who is actually not worthy of the term. She was abusive to both your brother and you and such people do not change.

She may simply be using your son now to fill her own emotional void, he certainly does not know how you as his mother and your brother as his uncle were treated as children. A good rule of thumb here is that if a relative is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with, its the same deal for your kids as well.

I would think that your grandparents would want the best for you and your own family unit now. They would want you to be happy and not further internalise your mother's abuses of you and inherent secrecy that goes with same. It is neither your brother's nor your fault that your mother is the ways she is; you did not make her that way.

I think there's some lovely advise on this thread. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as any other type of abuse. Please know that your attachment to other people, as in how you view interactions with others and how they will treat you are based on your experiences with your mother. More importantly that attachment type is flexible as in it can be changed but will require work when your ready x

My brother has nothing to do with her, hasn't spoke to her for 3 years. And I feel guilty that if I cut her off she will have nobody. She will be alone. I know that's not my problem and I shouldn't care but I do.

"I suppose I don't want to confront those feelings? I don't want to bring them to the front of my mind.

The weird thing is I feel like I don't care. I don't care that I didn't receive love and affection."

If you really didnt care then you wouldnt be too bothered about talking about it. Not wanting to confront it is a sign that theres probably something there to confront.

That's because your a better person ... see I told you!

Digging up old stuff from the past is initially painful and horrible, but it helps you deal with it, and could hopefully help with your anxiety and feelings of self worth. I recommend counselling, I have found it helpful before

I had the exact same through my childhood ad into my adult life as well. I can honestly say that my mother not once cuddled me, told me 'I love you' attended one single parents evening, got a 'well done' etc. I regularly got smacked, told I'd have my faced punched in, told she wished she'd never had me, can't wait for me to turn 18 and get out of her life. She would go weeks without speaking to me. No father either as he walked out when I was 3.

I tried to have a relationship of sorts with her in my adult life (I moved out when I was 17 and had passed my driving test, bought an old banger and flat shared). For my own mental sanity though I cut ties with her over 15 yrs ago and I haven't seen or spoken to her since. In those 15 yrs she hasn't bothered to get in contact either and I have been reliably told she has no desire to meet her grandson (my child).

I have no idea how I have got to my 40's without being a total screw up. I do know for sure though that my parenting skills are nothing like my mothers and I have a very close loving relationship with my own child.

I do have bouts of feeling guilty for cutting her out of my life, why I do not know after all the EA and physical abuse I endured over the years.

You have every right to be angry about your childhood and your mother’s total failure as a parent. That was a truly terrible experience.

If you don’t want to talk it out with a counsellor, but want to face it in your own way, you could try writing for a limited amount of time per day. Just get it out there and on paper /screen. Some people find this very healing.

I know you have suffered much harm, which you are still dealing with. Looking forward to the future though: it’s fair to point out you could have had the best mother in the world, and still got to adulthood with severe anxiety and confidence issues. It does happen. Different counsellors have different approaches, so if you want to think about seeing a therapist who deals with CBT, or some kind of positive goal oriented therapy, she/he might help you solve your problems going forward, rather than digging around in the past.

It’s something to consider, anyway. I hope you are able to find a way forward which helps you.

OP - I could have written your post. My mother is cold, distant, has never hugged me, has never told me she loves me. One of my earliest memories is my dad telling me: ‘we both love you very much’ and me replying ‘Mummy doesn’t.’ I was three years old.

I had severe chronic depression from 11-12 until my mid-thirties. You wrote ‘I have extreme anxiety and major self confidence issues and I now realise it's all down to her.’ - that’s exactly how I felt.

Counselling pretty much saved me. It was a long long road - painful and frustrating and hard - but I’m no longer depressed and my anxiety is under control. I was terrified of my mother too - now I mostly feel compassion and pity. I’d hate to live my life in her head.

I know you say you don’t want to dig down into certain memories and issues - but you’re thinking about some of those issues now anyway. Maybe this is your brain’s way of telling you you’re ready to confront them?

If you were my friend and I knew how you were feeling, I’d be worried about how you might feel in future - when your mum dies for instance, or if you have a child of your own. I’d say keep counselling in mind as an option, and keep this thread to come back to.

I know how shitty this feels and I wish you all the best

The problem with counselling is that things will get worse before they get better.

But, it does sound as though you do need it, because you seem unwilling to cut her out of your life.

You say she's brilliant with your DS and dotes on him, well that is going to make it even harder for you. Every time you see her be loving to your DS it will bring up times when she wasn't loving to you. So whether you like it or not, what you have buried IS going to rear its ugly head.

Sorry - I missed the post where you mentioned your son.

Agree with @TalkinBoutWhat. Stuff like this is like an abscess- it festers unless you open it up and deal with it!

I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. My mother was normal ish until I was 10 and then basically couldn’t stand me being independent of her. Took me a long time to realise it and I often fall into old traps.
She’s also brilliant with my son (I haven’t the strength to no contact, fear obligation guilt is a hell of a thing). But I wonder if she’ll turn on him too. He’s 8 now so I’m alert for the signs.
I’m not offering advice (hardly in a position too). The thought of coucilling, explaining all this to a stranger and hoping they believe me is just as ridiculous as when my friends say tell your mum to get lost, don’t let her speak to you like that. Ha bloody ha.
Anyway you’re not alone.