Yep. Could have written it too.
I can actually trace my mother's love for me 'switching off' back to an incident that happened when I was about 3. It got thrown back in my face right up until the last conversation i had with her when I was 37.
I was told I didn't deserve her love; she wished I'd been disabled because then I'd have been deserving of her love (she based this upon the voluntary work she did with children with DS and the relationship she felt she had with some of them); I was too fat/ugly/unfeminine/intelligent/pale/opinionated/challenging/nonconformist/politically minded/alternative/pear shaped/independent to be loved.
I sucked my thumb/bit my nails/mashed my boiled potatoes into my gravy/dyed my hair/drink beer/wasn't interested in learning to cook so that I could feed my husband (not myself, just a fictional husband and his boss)/pierced my nose/looked too much like my dad/didn't look enough like her/was utterly unlikeable/dropped out of university/got a first class degree... and thus would never be loved.
I was also told that I was/am too fat; my boobs aren't big enough, my small waist only made my bum look bigger; my thighs are too big...
As you can hopefully tell, i was told these from being about 7 years old until our last conversation. I realised she didn't love me when I overheard a conversation between her and my dad when I was 9 - they had concerns about there being something 'wrong' with me but wouldn't seek any help incase it meant she was obliged to support, and "be stuck with", me "forever".
I was never told a single positive thing. I can't imagine what, if anything, my mother didn't despise about me.
Unfortunately, I believed it all and, as a result, have never expected to be loved or have a 'proper' relationship. So I allowed myself to be used for sex because, although i knew it was wrong, I felt 'wanted' by someone for the duration.
I was threatened/mocked/humiliated/punished/ hit to get me to behave/be more compliant/feminine/respectful of men in an attempt that my character might make up for my physical failings (I imagine).
I eventually married a man who I knew didn't love me.
I've never been in a relationship where I was loved.
I actively sabotaged any interest from any decent men who showed a genuine interest in me because I felt embarrassed/ashamed for them that they hadn't realised I wasn't deserving of it.
When I told her the first time a man hit me, she asked what I'd done to provoke it and said that, if I wasn't careful, he might dump me next time. I was in my late 30s before I realised that it wasn't 'normal' to get hit in a relationship and that abuse wasn't part of all relationships.
I am 43 and hadn't dated anyone who could even drive until I was 38.
As a result my relationships have been superficial/noncommital/disrespectful at best and abusive at worst.
I was out with her once and a lad with a similar style and a sinilar age to me did a bit of a double take. She confidently said, "did you see that? Even he was looking at me?" I just replied, "has it not occured to you that he might have been looking at me?" And she just replied, " You? Why would he have been looking at you? " she seemed genuinely baffled that anyone would even give me a second glance.
It's shit, but you are not alone.