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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DS told daycare he saw papa hitting mama

37 replies

DelicateSubject · 08/03/2018 09:45

I don't even want to admit to myself how real this makes the situation.
IRL I am a very private person and I think everyone would be shocked if they knew about our abusive relationship. Especially as DP has the reputation as a lovely, kind family man.
Nursery called me to the office today to explain how DS told them a story in detail about the weekend of papa hitting mama. They even suggested that it was a cry for help, as if they might be able to make it stop. My heart breaks.
I don't think the situation is regular domestic abuse. It doesn't happen very often although he is emotionally abusive too and often attacks my weak spots for example - "you can't organise your life, why are the tools not washed. The only thing you are good at is being a house mother to the kids - nothing in the house gets done". Honestly, I try my best to keep on top of everything but I am also setting up my own business and sometimes I choose work over household commitments. He never wants to reason with me, it's his way or no way. The situation he relayed happened on Saturday where DP wrestled me to the ground by twisting my arms and when I tried to pushed him off he punched me twice, (on the shoulder and arm). He did want to do more but he managed to control himself in time. The worst part was that it was in front of DD and DS - because DS had painted his face and hands with my lipstick.
The daycare have suggested I contact a lawyer to record these things and get advice.
I have no idea where to go from here. Because he did it in front of the children I do realise the seriousness of the situation as they shouldn't see that - never mind it should never have happened, I do know that too. And straight away I told him I was leaving him. Although I really don't know how I could actually do that.

Can someone please advice me what I should do now. What kind of lawyer am I looking for and what do I tell them. It hurts so much to think I might not see my children every day now

OP posts:

Paperdoll16 · 08/03/2018 09:48

Sorry you are in this situation.

Are you in the UK?

BitOutOfPractice · 08/03/2018 09:48

I think you should call the police. Do you think you might be able to do that?

I'm guessing you are not in the UK from your language? Or maybe you are but not from the UK? I'm not sure what resources might be open to you where you are

But you know that you have to keep your children safe from now on (as well as yourself) and that involves removing this abusive violent bully from their home

Aprilmightmemynewname · 08/03/2018 09:50

If nursery report this to the authorities you risk losing your dc if you stay with this man. Make plans to leave ASAP.

VimFuego101 · 08/03/2018 09:50

You say 'daycare' so I'm guessing you're not in the UK, however, it's likely that the daycare has a safeguarding responsibility towards your children and may report this to the relevant authorities. You need to get legal advice and take steps to remove your children from this situation.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2018 09:53

You need to report it to the the Police. You can't stay in an abusive marriage, have your children see that behaviour, have your children think it is ok to be like that, put your own life in danger because you are worried about shared custody. If he doesn't stop himself in time and kills you they will lose you forever.

Please report it and start to work out how,to get out.

Whose name is on the property? Do you have shared finances?

frieda909 · 08/03/2018 09:54

I don't think the situation is regular domestic abuse.

I know you feel like that, because I can promise you that nobody in an abusive relationship ever considers themselves to be in one. However, now that I’m out of mine I can see very clearly that I was absolutely in a textbook abusive relationship. And from reading your post, I’m afraid you are too. ‘It doesn’t happen very often’ doesn’t mean that it isn’t abuse. To quote an oft-repeated mumsnet phrase, the only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none.

Do you have any friends or family that you can speak to? Please call Woman’s Aid who will be able to talk you through your options and offer you some support.

Cricrichan · 08/03/2018 09:58

You are being physically and mentally abused. You need to report it to the police and see a solicitor.

sonjadog · 08/03/2018 09:58

I'm sorry you are stuck in this situation. This is regular domestic abuse. Even if it doesn't happen often, that is happens at all makes it domestic abuse.

The nursery may well report this situation to social services. They have a duty to report children living in abusive circumstances. I think you need to see this incident as the catalyst to you moving out and taking your children away from this man. Start making your plan to leave today.

SpiceRack · 08/03/2018 10:14

If the nursery report this then you risk losing your DC. Call woman's aid or the police, you can't stay in this relationship and your children should never have to see that.

TheFaerieQueene · 08/03/2018 10:16

Your child is obviously very scared. Please, for both your sakes get out - better still - get him out.

Squishysquirmy · 08/03/2018 10:19

Don't tell him that you are leaving him/ thinking about leaving him. Make preparations and keep yourself safe.

Be careful.

Knittedfairies · 08/03/2018 10:20

This has obviously played on your son's mind, and he turned to his daycare providers for help. He's shown you the way. Good luck OP.

Dvg · 08/03/2018 10:21

Yeah sorry to say but firstly i think your son was definitely asking for help, secondly most nurserys/schools report that to SS who will not take what a child says lightly and dont normally leave kids in an abusive family.

admission · 08/03/2018 10:24

If you are in the UK, then the Nursery will if they are taking their safeguarding responsibilities seriously going to be recording and then reporting the conversations that they have had with child and with yourself. At some stage social services will be involved.
You may not feel this is an issue but it is and as others have said for your sake and your child's sake you need to take action now.

HobnobBob · 08/03/2018 10:26

The nursery will have a duty of care and will have safeguarding procedures in place so will refer to social services.

Abuse is abuse regardless of how often it happens and your dc should not be witnessing it. You need to remove them and yourself from this situation.

cakecakecheese · 08/03/2018 10:28

It is 'regular' domestic abuse, if there is such a thing, as he's physically and mentally abusive and, like a lot of abusive people, has twisted it round to make it seem like it's your fault when of course it isn't.

You can't stay like this it's not safe for you and your children. Take the kids and go to a family member's house or find a refuge. Admitting you need help is nowhere near as bad as staying in this situation.

Kerala2712 · 08/03/2018 10:31

Why do you say you won’t see your children every day? Why would you not have full custody? Where are you? You should make a plan, and take them and leave. Daycare may help you but be careful who you tell.

HappyFeet1212 · 08/03/2018 10:33

The impact on children who witness domestic violence is significant. You son is scared & this has affected him. You need to act now to provide a safe home for him away from your husband. You also need to take steps to ensure that what has happened already is evidenced somewhere.

Please go to the Police.

I grew up with this. I now don't speak to either parent. The abuser is well the abuser, but by not dealing with the abuse, the other parent enables this to continue. Your job as his mum is to keep him safe. This is not normal & you need to deal with this.

The fact that your DH has a nice face which he presents to the world is chilling & scary. It's 1 facet of a narcissist. Look up how narcissist & co depend relationships work. Then get rid of him.

Isitwinteryet · 08/03/2018 10:36

That's so sad. You and your children deserve so much better.

Garmadonsmum · 08/03/2018 10:37

How regular does it need to be? I know leaving is really hard but a lot of women say that their children being involved is what made it come to a head for them.

Loonoon · 08/03/2018 10:38

This sounds like a horrendous situation. Your DH is physically and emotionally abusive and has convinced you that it is an acceptable way to live. It isn't. It isn't normal or ok.

If you stay in this relationship you are teaching your children that this is what a relationship is, quite apart from any harm that witnessing the violent attack/s might do. (I have worked with young people surrering from PTSD caused my witnessing such attacks. I have also had extensive therapy myself for similar reasons).

Is there a refuge you can go to?

LoniceraJaponica · 08/03/2018 10:47

Please don't minimise this. You need to escape from this abusive marriage. This is not normal behaviour. Since it has now been flagged up by your child's daycare provider it might be easier to get help.

prh47bridge · 08/03/2018 10:51

What kind of lawyer am I looking for and what do I tell them

You are looking for a solicitor who specialises in family law. Most firms of solicitors will have at least one who fits the bill. You tell them what you've told us. As a victim of DV you should be entitled to legal aid.

As others say, no-one in an abusive marriage believes it is regular domestic abuse. What you describe is definitely an abusive marriage. You need to get out now.

AnonymousAdopter · 08/03/2018 10:57

Seeing DV can have a long lasting impact on the children. Please think of ways to get out of this situation for the sake of yourself and your DC.

tigerrun · 08/03/2018 10:59

Why would you not see your children every day? Surely as he is violent he would only get supervised access if anything, which means he would be unlikely to get overnights.

How you handle it and what the procedure is will depend entirely on what country you are in, there is bound to be someone along soon to help if you can say where you are.

As an adult who was a child who witnessed domestic abuse I can't tell you how important it is to get out now, thank goodness your son said something.

Also it took many years to forgive my mother for allowing this to happen (it was a boyfriend of hers who was the abuser), I always saw her as weak for putting up with it and was very angry with her - no child should have to live in an environment like that - by staying you are condoning it - children don't understand victim blaming - they just feel fear and unhappiness.

Also in your OP you minimise it several times:
I don't think the situation is regular domestic abuse. It doesn't happen very often
Yes it is, it literally only has to happen once.
He did want to do more but he managed to control himself in time
No he didn't - he'd twisted your arm, wrestled you to the ground and hit you twice, in front of your kids. 'In time' is way before that.

Presumably he has normalised this abuse?

Please get help OP, today, go to the police today. Unless you are in a country where that won't help the police are your first port of call, solicitors come next.

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